How, oh how, Wacky Mommy, you ask, did you get your house and life so organized? People, you need to do this:

* Decide you’re moving, thus you need to get the house ready to sell. (Or you need to get your rental fixed up to get your deposits back.) Begin putting things in boxes.
* Change your whole outlook.
* Change your whole life.

(PS to the guys who think that it’s up to their wives to get them organized. No, no, no. All of this is not “woman’s work,” whatever the hell that outdated expression means. She needs you/you need her/do this together please, thank you.)

Honestly, you would not believe the number we’ve done on our house since we’ve started talking about relocating. My. Friends. Are. Jealous! Ha. (My friends are rarely jealous of me. Mostly they call me, saying things like, “Honey. I’m worried about you.” I love my friends, their loyalty, their relentlessness.)

(Edited Friday afternoon to add… I’ve been following Rockstar Mommy’s comments section all day — she has what sounds like a bad case of depression at the moment. She is not the only one. No, the winter holidays are not the only time people get depressed — spring is a bad time, too. So if your house is a mess, your life is a mess — this would be me, Wacky Mommy, from time to time — step back and ask yourself if you could be suffering from a bit of anxiety or depression. How your house looks can be a big clue into how you’re feeling. No, I am not a mental health professional, but talk to a professional, please, if you need to. And now…)

My girlfriends are amazed — AMAZED — when they walk through the front door and see no stacks of paperwork (except the one persistent stack on the table that will just not budge, no matter how hard I fight with it), no newspapers scattered around, no toys hither and yon. Mail? Opened, recycled, filed and dealt with (calls returned, bills paid). Plants? I gave away all the plants and am focusing on the outdoor plants only. Cats? Have not been barfing. (Maybe it was the plants?) Dog? I miss the dog still, as you’ve probably guessed. But no dog equals no puking, no pooping, no fur all over the place. No spilled dog food, no broken dishes, no missing cubes of butter. Dogs really trash the place.

I didn’t realize until today just how many of my friends also own crazy, shaggy, woofy, kooky black dogs! So it’s like Wacky Dog is still with me. I have (let me count here) five friends (and that’s just off the top of my head) who have dogs exactly like Wacky Dog. It makes me feel better.

That is not what I’m writing about tonight, however.

1. First things first. Start with the laundry, dishes and garbage. Deal with them daily. Do not let them get the best of you.

2. Start with the paperwork by — get this — going through it. How easy is that! You can wade in slowly, then pick up the pace later on. Buy a shredder, or if you work at a business where documents are shredded (for the Feds, for instance), ditch it there. I have been setting out between two to four bags of recycled paper for pick-up every week, and there is lots more to go. It is my albatross. (Damn writing career. Damn scrapbooking. Damn magazines and newspaper clippings and utility bills going back ten years.)

I’ve saved every piece of art the kids have ever created. I scribbled “Wacky Girl’s first drawing!” on no less than four drawings. This is madness. A book I read on organizing suggested saving one or two pieces of art per month, per kid. I’m working on two pieces of art per week, per kid. It’s a start. My pet peeves: The art made with feathers, shaving cream, buttons and glitter. You cannot recycle it, and it’s kinda fancy, so you can’t bear to throw it away.

Throw it away. Or give it to a friend or family member. The big pieces I use for gift wrap. TIP A: BURY THINGS IN THE GARBAGE SO YOUR KIDS DON’T SEE THEM GOING OUT THE DOOR. TIP B: WHEN YOU’RE ORGANIZING, KEEP THREE BAGS OR BOXES CLOSE BY — ONE FOR GOODWILL, ONE FOR RECYCLING, ONE FOR GARBAGE.

2. Go through the cupboards — kitchen and bathroom — and figure out how many of those plastic cups and hair doodads you really need. Pare it down.

3. TIP C: KEEP A CHANGE JAR, WITH A LID ON IT, IN THE KITCHEN. SO MUCH OF THE CLUTTER AROUND HERE IS LOOSE DAMN CHANGE. I can afford my latte habit now. TIP D: KEEP A BOX BY THE FRONT DOOR FOR THE MAIL. KEEP THE END TABLES IN THE LIVING ROOM CLEARED OFF SO YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND READ A BOOK, WITHOUT A STACK FALLING OVER ON YOU.

4. Dust, once a surface is cleared off. Look at your space through a realtor’s eyes. What paint needs to be touched up? What chewed-on woodwork needs to be replaced?

5. Boxes need to be labeled, put in the attic or basement, and forgotten about. Look at them a year later and ask yourself, Do I really need all this stuff?

6. If you have kids, I’m begging you to reconsider all the plastic. Polly Pockets, Legos, Duplos, Barbies, frogs, snakes and dinosaurs. Save a few of each item, or give them all away. If you have resistance from the kids, you have my sympathy, but do you want them to be packrats like (possibly?) their parents? No, I think not. Repeat these words: “It’s broken. It’s going in the garbage.” “You have six of these. Three are going to Goodwill.” “You can live without it for a month. It’s going in the attic.” If you have no storage space, you may have to be ruthless. Which brings me to TIP E: BE RUTHLESS.

7. Pianos: Sheet music in bench. One, two or three music books ONLY on music holder. One or two items (max) on top. (Ex.: One nice framed print. One small vase.) Personal photos: Everyone knows you love your kids. You do not need a ton of photos cluttering up the joint. Put away some of the pix, and rotate them. Ditto: certificates, awards and trophies. Stash them in a file drawer or get a trophy cabinet going.

8. Plastic bath toys: One small bin or mesh bag is more than enough.

9. TIP F: PUT ON SOME GOOD MUSIC AND HAVE SOME FUN while you’re doing all this. Don’t make it something you’re dreading. Don’t be ashamed of your mess: Embrace it, then deal with it.

10. Once you start paring down, cleaning up, getting it straight — it just gets easier and easier. Believe me. Starting out is the hardest part.

11. Simple is perfect. One candle, not fifteen. Two shelves’ full of kids’ books, not six. (They can go in the attic or a dry basement. Or just away. That’s what libraries are for.)

12. Paint, paint, paint.

13. Get some new, good habits. Get used to the beds being made, the kitchen floor being swept, the windows being washed. (Not that I’ve gotten them all washed, but I did get to a few of them. This is huge for me.)

14. A place for everything and everything in its place. The blocks go in one drawer under our train table; the train tracks and trains go in the other drawer. If only everything in my house had its own space. But I’m trying. I have portfolios for the kids, a dedicated space where I put the permission slips and newsletters from school and church, an end table that is for my husband’s stuff and his stuff alone. The phone books? Next to the phone. (This is new.) The calendars? School, church and personal, all on one wall. I need one of those big dry-erase boards but cannot commit to that much control.

15. Make a list of meals for the week and stick to it. Use what’s in the cupboard, fridge and freezer. Everything seems to fall into place when we do this here.

16. Half an hour before playdates are over, get the kids to pick up. You may need to help with this one.

17. No snacking anywhere but the kitchen and dining room. No eating in living room = no crumbs in living room.

18. Don’t hang onto magazines or newspapers. I took two years’ worth of National Geographics to school for the kids to do collages with. Ditto old birthday cards, journals, letters and scraps of paper. I am no Simone de Beauvoir. I am fine with this.

More sites:

FlyLady — I love you, FlyLady!
What records should I keep, and for how long?
About: Housekeeping

Best wishes and happy spring!

Love,

WM