I don’t think I care to find out.

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Thursday 13ers and dear, dear Usual Suspects,

Our house is going on the market soon SOON as in… maybe this month? (In my dreams.) Or possibly we’ll wait a few months.

Chores take time. And so does yardwork.

Thirteen EXCELLENT Things About Selling Our Home:

13) One word: Newcarpet. The whole house looks sunny and light now.

12) Our storage space is filling up as the house gets emptied out. Goodwill, friends, trash, storage, or Artfully Arranged: A place for everything and everything in its place. (My desk is the exception to this rule.)

11) No more picking up 800 Dr. Seuss, Little Bear and Magic Treehouse books — they’re packed.

10) Ditto 1/2 of our clothes.

9) The front yard is edged. Well. Half-edged. Our lawn is rarely edged.

8) It’s still covered with weeds, which I’m justifying for this reason: If the new owners want a nice lawn, they can pay for it themselves. If they’re going to cover it with flagstones, ground cover and zero-scaping EXCUSE ME xeriscaping, why should I bother? (Good one, eh? I love my logic when it saves me from weeding.)

7) The beds are weeded, though, and we’ve done about 1/2 the pruning.

6) I have never been so in love with my husband in my life. And honestly, I have been madly, head-over-heels with the guy since he was my neighbor down the street. He has done every single one of the projects we (and by we I mean “he”) needed to tackle. Exposed wires covered, new sprinkler system box installed, touch-up paint done, new back door.. to quote Dooce — After all that, I don’t even need a gin and tonic to get in the mood.

5) Did I mention the weather has been gorgeous in Portland, Ore.? (Trying not to jinx myself.) When it’s sunny, I am much more inclined to work in the yard, keep up with the house, go for walks with the kids… and then I get excited about moving all over again. Why? Because we’ll have a new neighborhood to walk in! Yay.

4) I think we’re going to buy Ikea bedroom furniture. Should I really splurge and spend a couple hundred bucks? Yes. I was quite enamored of my mother-in-law’s new room when we visited her in Denver last summer. Her set-up looks kinda like this. I love my futon and all but I am a grown woman now! Sick of sleeping on floor.

3) The kids are enjoying their rooms more now that they’re decluttered. They have room to play. On the floor. Did you know that bedroom floors could be used for this, and not just toy/debris/clothes storage? It’s a revelation.

2) I can find things in my kitchen now — lids to Tupperware, the corkscrew, cooky cutters — now that we’ve cleared some of it out. And the counters? It’s easier to cook, once the counters are cleared off. Again — a revelation.

1) I won’t miss the Nasty Neighbor one bit. She yelled at our carpet guys! Why? They were cutting carpet. In the street. In front of my house, which is next door to her house. She was rude to them and they were so nice about it. I apologized to them, and to their boss, too. “Yeah, people get a little strange sometimes,” one said.

Yeah, no kidding. I’ll miss most of our neighbors — especially the Nekkid Ones — but her? I try to be a decent person and rise above it. For instance, I didn’t throw a corndog at her when she yelled at the carpet guy. I haven’t called the city on her lately. I haven’t flashed her or anything. But she still insists on throwing the toxic vibe around all the time. I will step aside and let it zing right past me, as much as I can.

You know, I won’t miss her even one little bit.

Happy Thursday, everyone.

WM

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We’re making an offer on a house in the suburbs. What do you think of that, world wide web? It’s Agrestic. No gates, but lots of little boxes, on the hillside, little boxes, made of ticky-tacky… (more…)

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Here, dear readers — My day in real time.

Sort of.

5, 6, 7 & 8 a.m.: Sleeping. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Large Wacky Cat 2, the stripedy one, pins me in on one side; muscular husband pins me in on the other. Why does the Cat want to sleep with us? It’s so flippin’ hot. Unable to move. Sex? No. Have to sleep. Can’t open eyes. Consider a new lifestyle that involves not staying up so late at night. Hmmm. What time did we go to bed? Vaguely remember 11 o’clock news. Keep eyes closed. Sleep. (more…)

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I’m definitely in the mood for Thursday Thirteen this week. Oh. Man. Has it been a looooooong school year or is it just me? I thought we had one of the shortest school years in the nation? Oh, all those Wednesdays and Thursdays off, I guess they mean. They add up.

Yesterday wasn’t the last day of school for my kids (who are now proud to be kindergarten and third grade students-in-waiting), but it sure felt like it. It was field day! Water balloons, dumping buckets of water on each other, the long dash, the frisbee toss… fun.

13. Goodbye, Bruno. I hope over the summer you learn to stop stabbing yourself with scissors. I also kinda hope you try out a different school. One where they have more counselors? (more…)

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Hola! ?Como estas? Have you ever held a progressive party in your neighborhood? Yeah, me neither. But five of our neighbors and the Wacky Family are going to go for it, New Year’s Day. For years we’ve been talking about a summer block party, but, you know. Some of us don’t get along as well as others of us. That is, some of us like to dance around naked and happy, and others like to spit at everyone as they walk by and criticize the way they park. More on Evil Neighbor — if you park in front of her house, she will waddle out her front door and she will tell you, “You need to move your car. You can’t park there.” It is a public street! Yet people are so scared of her evil eye they move their cars. No progressive party for Evil Neighbor. We may invite guests and encourage them to park in front of her house, though.

(more…)

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I called the city on my neighbor last week. And the county. And then (because I was on a roll, obviously) Animal Control. If she keeps being so rotten to her aged mother, I’m calling Elder Control, too. (Wait, I don’t think that’s what it’s really called.) Yee-haw, virtual high-fives to me for finally getting up the nerve to do this AFTER SIX YEARS OF HER.

As those of you who regularly read this blog know, I have two neighbors: Angel (Wacky Nekkid Neighbor) and Devil (Evil Neighbor). I am sorry to be so simplistic, but there is just no way around it. I am in Purgatory. Apparently I was really rotten as a child and this is payback. (more…)

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Happy First Birthday, Thursday Thirteen!!! Woo-hoooooooooo… let’s have some virtual cake now.

For your reading pleasure this week, here are:

THIRTEEN THINGS I DO TO FUCK WITH MY CANTANKEROUS NEIGHBOR

13. Travel on the weekends with my extremely handsome and virile husband. (She gets a little jealous.)

(more…)

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I am not blogging this week. Or next. But Thursday Thirteen beckons, and I’m superstitious. The number 13 and all. So we have, from the world-famous home of Wacky Mommy…

THIRTEEN REASONS I’M NOT BLOGGING THIS WEEK

13. Eyestrain

12. Neck hurts from hunching over the keyboard, spazztically typing

11. Kids seem to think I spend too much time on computer, and it’s… summer?

10. Apparently you’re supposed to be outside in the summer.

9. Yet once the kids got me off the computer, they then dominated it themselves (ie — watching movies on it, visiting the Big Crunchy Site o’ Fun, yelling at me to find their I Spy Fantasy game)… so who’s spending too much time on the computer, huh?

8. In spite of their yelling, feeling waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too mellow to blog with my usual furor.

7. Can’t deal with writing about the dog piss on my neighbor’s patio, which reeks to high heaven and has been an olfactory irritant since the summer we moved in here.

6. Have come up with a new plan: Take the kids to the outdoor pool. Not their wading pool, the real pool. Have yet to implement this plan. (Items needed: Cash for admission, sunscreen, swimsuits, sunglasses, goggles, arm floaty things.) Much easier to go to the indoor center where we take lessons and turn them over to someone while I go to water aerobics. Is this wrong?

5. Need to find a floral swimcap for water aerobics, so I fit in better with the 70 year olds. Large pink flowers with white centers would be best.

4. Or, figure out a way to stylishly wrap a scarf around my head and lower myself gracefully into pool, fully accessorized (earrings, necklaces, large rings) in manner of said 70 year olds.

3. Need to recall conversation starters that do not include, “No, we’re not going to the outdoor pool” or “Stop choking your father.”

2. Am unable to think up clever sex tricks to publish on Internet. Except this one: It’s kind of sexy sometimes to try to be really super-quiet during sex. Like, sneaky teenager quiet. Also, it’s awesome to pitch a tent in the yard and get it on under the stars. Also, the best, coolest thing you can do to your partner after sex is give them something I call a Worship Caress. Not like a full body massage — more like a… OK, this is tough to describe. Kind of stretch out over them, like Cat’s Pose in yoga (this website I just linked to is a little kinky, if you ask me. What’s up with the huge carved wooden skull looking thing? Would find it hard to relax looking at that…) Next, start at the top, caress and kind of just run your hands down your partner’s body, all the way to the feet. It feels great, just try it. Only don’t say “Namaste” afterward, ‘k? (Ah-ha! Three! All is not lost.)

1. Really need to find an agent and get one of my manuscripts published. The blog is just not getting the bills paid.

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Enough about the school district, school closures, recipes, how-to’s, product and book reviews (I have a backlog that I still am not reviewing anytime soon, but will someday, sorry), the remodeling, the kids who will just not stop screaming and whining (hmm — wonder who they get that from?), etc. OK, I will say one thing, cuz I know the anticipation has been killing you — THE TILE IS ALL DONE! I EVEN TOOK PICTURES TO POST! But I can’t because I am just too toasted. So deal. Also, the tile guy is so nice and now hates my neighbor more than I do. Cuz her yard stinks. And she stinks. And she was rude to him. My tile guy, who is pulling this whole long, sad, way overdue project together and ta-da!

Don’t be rude to my tile guy, damn, what the hell is wrong with you, Neighbor from Hell?

(PS — NOT Naked Neighbor, she is an angel. And I owe three or four babysitting swaps cuz I’m lame and haven’t reciprocated. I mean the one who helped extricate me from The Mess. And was this a bonding experience for us? It was for me, but not her, apparently, cuz she bitched me out up one side/down the other two days later??? Shut up, WitchyPoo! I was feeling all sentimental toward you.)

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT HER AND HER STINKY BARNYARD BACKYARD AND HER IDIOT DOG WHO FRICKIN’ NEVER STOPS YAPPING AND HER XMAS TREE WHICH IS, YES, STILL IN THE DRIVEWAY. It’s April, savvy?

This is all about me, me, me and my hideous sinus infection and the “course of steroids and antibiotics” that I am now taking to avoid pneumonia. For the second time. I just went through this in February. Yes, it’s not enough that I get a sinus infection that makes me ache and cry and feel swollen and unable to breathe. It moves right down the nasal passages into my lungs and voila! Bronchitis, then bronchial pneumonia.

(more…)

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