Things my children have stolen from me that I would like back:

1) my scotch tape
2) my purple calculator, the cool smooshy one
3) my heart
4) my sanity
5) my standards for cleanliness

That’s right, it’s time for Cleaning Tips 101. This is more for my benefit than yours, don’t get all het up and think I’m criticizing your tidiness (or lack thereof). Sometimes I want to just say to hell with all that, but you know what? I like a clean house. I also love an uncluttered house, but that is a work in progress.

Also, my mother-in-law arrives June 25 and that means T minus 3 weeks to get this place ship-shape.

* We really like the Earth Friendly line of products (and no I’m not shilling for them, just mentioning). Especially the toilet bowl cleaner (also good on sinks, showers and tubs!) and the orange all-purpose cleaner.

* On a good day, it takes me twenty minutes tops to clean one of our two bathrooms. (That’s forty minutes for two bathrooms. That’s nothing.) (So why are the bathrooms always filthy then? Yick.) On a bad week (or a busy week, like this one was) it takes me three full days to clean a friggin’ bathroom.

Steps: 1) remove clutter from counters 2) shake out rugs and bathmats, throw in laundry 3) replace soap dishes, toothbrush cups 4) spray outside of toilet, counters, mirrors and tile in shower with orange cleaner 5) squirt toilet bowl cleaner in toilet, sink and floor of shower 6) Use rags to wipe down surfaces & paper towels to wipe down toilet. Scrub toilet, sink and shower floor. Rinse shower walls with sprayer from shower 7) Sweep bathroom floor 8) Mop bathroom floor with hot, soapy water (I used to use the orange spray cleaner, but it didn’t seem clean enough. It was, it just didn’t seem like it, alright? 9) Take out bathroom garbage 10) light incense 11) when floor has dried, put down clean rugs and bathmat 12) refuse to let anyone use bathroom

This week I cleaned the toilet, sink and shower one day; wiped down the counters the next day; finally mopped today. That is ridiculous. That is what you call, Slow Torture Via Cleaning.

We also love Bon Ami for cleaning, or just plain baking soda with a squirt of Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap. Tricks: Leave scrub brushes, cleaners and rags stashed in as many rooms and in as many spots as you can find. If they’re there, and easy to find, you will use them. We have stacks of rags throughout the house — in a bin in the basement, in both bathrooms, in the cupboard next to the dishwasher and tucked behind the computer monitors. I also love Swiffer everything, so those supplies are also easy to find. (I like the Swiffer dusters for at work, too.)

My old friend H used to make a whole ceremony of cleaning her house — when she was finished, voila, it was like a shrine (much like our spotless bathroom at the moment). She always lived in places with hardwood floors, and used Murphy Oil Soap on them. Then she would light incense all over, beckon Lord Ganesh, and the world was a happy, peaceful place. Right up until her roommates got home with the keg.

OK, back to studying, chop-chop.