“If you came and you found a strange man… teaching your kids to punch each other, or trying to sell them all kinds of products, you’d kick him right out of the house, but here you are; you come in and the TV is on, and you don’t think twice about it.”

-Jerome Singer

We do watch too much television here, it’s the truth. Yeah, but I do think twice about it, and that’s why all my kids watch on TV is PBS Kids and some movies that are not “Scary Movie 3,” Chucky or “Snakes on a MFin’ Plane.” (They love “Herbie Fully Loaded,” all the Muppets movies, “Cheaper by the Dozen” 1 but not 2, you know. Stuff like that.

Now comes Wacky Girl with a plan: No TV for the month of September.

It’s her own version of TV Turnoff Week, only expanded.

As my friend’s husband, Wacky J, put it as he settled into the couch with the remote in hand, “Just cuz the kids are doing it we don’t have to. Right?”

Right?

And in September instead of April.

September is when all the new shows start, you will please remember. Lost, Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy (which for the record I swore, through streaming tears, I would never watch again because, “You killed Denny! You bastards!”), Martha Stewart (yes, I adore Martha Stewart’s show. It’s disgusting, like the confetti kettle corn I bought the kids last week at the Farmers Market, but I. Cannot. Stop. Don’t take Martha awaaaaaaaaaay…), the Earl, Darnell & Joy show and yadda yadda.

Yeah, I watch too much TV and I am so busted. Also GeneralHospital (which I’ve watched since I was 12! Crazy) and One Life to Live–Tess/Jess?Vikki/Nikki? OMG. I tape everything and watch it without the kids. Well, I tape half of all the shows I love and watch about half of those. Does this make sense? Sorry, doesn’t to me, either. Main thing is, no the kids are not watching the grown-up shows. Especially not with all the Jon Benet news going on right now, and the Katrina stories that make me feel desperate and panicked, and what the hell is up with that show, The Outsiders? Never mind, my kids don’t need to know and I don’t, either.

WG tells me, “It doesn’t matter for Daddy, cuz he doesn’t hardly watch TV anyway. But we watch too much TV. So no TV!” I don’t think her brother has grasped that this means no Ruff-Ruffman, no Barney, no stoned sloth “Well, hi, hey you guys! Whoa!” on Big, Big, World, no Aristocats.

I’m hoping he’ll be my get out of jail free card, but she’s pretty determined, this one.

Wish us luck.

(Edited at 9 p.m. to say — Yeah, we made it through the first half of the day, at least. My girlfriend C was here with her four gorgeous kids, and Wacky Nekkid Mini-Neighbor from next door came over. C and I decided why fix the kids lunch when we could do all their hair, instead? Brushing and combing and spritzing and braiding… Screaming and chaos ensued. I fed them. Hair was looking great. More chaos ensued. More hair was coiffed. The wailing, the howling, “P…B…S… KIDS WE NEED PBS KIDS!” and they watched two hours of TV while we collapsed in the living room. You know how this one goes — the next show is always the “favorite” show. Reading Rainbow for WG, Ruff Ruffman for A, C’s middle daughter, Barney for WB. Tomorrow is a new day — wish us luck again.)