Tuesday Recipe Club: Recipe for Disaster
Start with: One riotously fun outing to Chuck E Cheez for D’s birthday party. Both kids: “THAT WAS FUN! CHUCK E CHEEZ IS FUN! WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TAKE US THERE BEFORE? YEAH, WHY MOM? CUZ CHUCK E CHEEZ IS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. WHEN CAN WE GO BACK?”
Next day, combine: Pinkeye and runny nose in one Wacky Boy.
Following day, add:
Sick day for Wacky Boy = no school = lots of questions for Mommy: “Why is the moon out now, in the morning? Why does it look whole? How does it get whole? It’s always whole out in space. I know it has to be the moon. I know it looks like it’s made out of rocks, but everyone knows the moon is made of cheese. Heh heh! Everyone knows the moon is made of cheese! Heh heh!!!! I thought the moon was made out of rock. I want to watch ‘Little Bear.’ You don’t have to be on Nick Jr. to watch that. I have the tape. ‘Little Bear’ will only be on Nick Jr. or on tape.”
(Really, there is no need to attempt to answer any of these questions cuz Wacky Boy monologues. Gets it from his father.)
Stir in: One Wacky Girl, waking her parents up at 6 a.m. the next day to tell them her brother is puking. Transfer both kids to our bed. Get first bed changed. Adults go downstairs to wake up and make coffee.
To the mix, stir in: One Wacky Dog, who decides that the time is now to drag his ass across the rug. (Medical term for this: Expressing anal glands.) Me, screeching: “EWWWWWWWWWWWWW OH EWWWWWWWWWWWWW PUT HIM OUTSIDE!” Hockey God: “Heh heh heh heh heh.”
We put the dog outside, start breakfast, start laundry. I beg Hockey God to stay home. He is smiley-happy. Way too smiley-happy for so early in the day, making me realize the missing ingredient:
One: Husband who gets to escape to work. He goes back upstairs to get dressed.
Add: Wacky Girl running downstairs to announce, “I got Daddy, cuz he (her brother) said he’s going to throw up and is not going to use the bowl. I only slept like one hour! I am wide awake now! I have a headache! I’m going to go fix my hair. Where are my clothes? Do you like how I did my braids yesterday? I’ll do them like that again.” (And she’s off, monologuing. Just like her dad.)
When Hockey God comes downstairs again I ask if he stripped the bed, and how the kid is.
Yeah, he stripped the bed. And look on the bright side: “At least he’s not expressing his anal glands.”
Add: One more sick day for Wacky Boy, and more running commentary, “Roosters go cock-a-doodle doo! Cock-a-doodle doo! Cock-a-doodle doo! Mom, can you eat roosters? No? I did not know that. Huh. Only hens. Woo-hoo, cock-a-doodle doo! Woo-hoo, cock-a-doodle doo! Woo-hoo, cock-a-doodle doo! Mom, how do people know if things are pigs, or roosters, or hens? And how do they tell with ducks? Huh. Can I watch ‘Little Bear’?” (He walks around in circles on the futon, pondering these questions and more.)
Off to do sixteen loads of laundry. Cuz he didn’t use the bowl. Do you ever find yourself inside a day like this?
, 
.
I’m so sorry, Wacky Mommy. Isn’t life fun?
October 10th, 2006 | #
Wacky Mommy needs a “Calgon take me far away day”
October 11th, 2006 | #
“At least he’s not expressing his anal glands.”
Is it bad that that TOTALLY made me laugh?!
October 11th, 2006 | #
Is it bad that my husband would think that would cheer me up?
October 11th, 2006 | #
For the record, I don’t actually recall saying that. I do remember snickering as the damn dog started dragging his ass across the carpet, though.
Sometimes if you don’t laugh you’ll cry.
October 11th, 2006 | #
Well, it did crack me up when you said it. Then five seconds later I thought, How pathetic is this??
October 11th, 2006 | #
Holy crap. I’ll hold down Chuck E. You pummel his ratty little face.
October 11th, 2006 | #
Chuck E Cheese Me…..
It had to be the “ball pit!”
The ball pit is a caldron of evil brewing bacteria.
Someday I’ll share the story of our experience with the crazy Chuck E Mouse…my 20-year-old is still traumatized at the sight of any rodent.
October 11th, 2006 | #
I’d love to try this “recipe” but unfortunately, no Chuck E. Cheese near me! Dang! Sounds like a fun day in WackyLand.
October 12th, 2006 | #
Why does everyone except me know how to spell Chuck E. Cheese? My mad spelling ability is gone. I originally typed: Chuckie Cheez, but knew that was wrong. We are almost healthy here. (Knock wood.) This has been a HORRIBLE two weeks HORRIBLE I tell you. The only thing that’s made it better? Books. Just finished Jennifer Weiner’s latest, “Goodnight Nobody,” and it was GREAT. (Do you know where she got the title from? Take a guess.) It was a FANTASTIC BOOK and you all need to read it straightaway. Those of you in Africa may need to be content with online excerpts. http://www.jenniferweiner.com
Also, Anne Tyler’s latest, “Digging to America,” is her best ever. BEST.
Also, if I never read, “There’s A Wocket In My Pocket” again I will be okay with that. Ditto any of the Boxcar Children books. I am still best friends with Little Bear, however. It’s the skunks kissing — it gets me every time.
October 12th, 2006 | #