Dear Wacky Mommy:

I would like some advice about (gasp!) love n’ stuff, and since you have a great relationship with that great guy Wacky Daddy, I thought you might oblige.

I pretty much swore off men a few years ago. Not just, “I-had-a-bad-breakup-and-I’m-swearing-off-men-for-a-while” kind of thing, but a whole “after much soul searching, I have concluded that I need to be on my own to just work on ME for a while.” Also, I am very busy and barely managing to keep my own life afloat so why mix another person and relationship/problems/time commitment in there?

Then (in a moment of lonliness-induced weakness,) I filled out an eHarmony profile. I did this mostly with the thought of “Yeah, right, like I will meet anyone who will be interested in me, so why not?” The problem is, I did! In fact, I met two very nice men. I’ve been e-mailing and chatting with them and now it is about time to decide whether to meet face to face. (We’ve exchanged pictures.)

Now I have all these decisions: Do I start dating? If so, how do I make time for it? (Am Busy Single Mom). How can I tell if he is a psycho freak and/or pedophile as they do not have categories for this on eHarmony? Where should we meet, if we should meet at all? Help!

Signed,

Lucy Lovelorn

Dear Lucy L.:

To answer your last question first: Coffehouses and bookstores are pretty safe places to meet. No meals for first dates — too much of a time and money investment. Bars? Eh. Can be dicey.

And great relationship with WD! Ha! Ha! That’s precious. WD is at the moment Christmas shopping (for me, I’m assuming, since Wacky Boy asked me, “Mommy, what you want for Christmas?” as they left). It’s Thursday evening, the kids need to be in bed, not out gallivanting. (Horrible day today.) Also, what will we be doing tomorrow, on one of his rare days off? That’s right, shopping for the kids while they’re with Grandma. Sure, we could be spending the whole day in bed, or drinking at a dark, smoky bar (fun, not dicey, once you know the guy), or WRAPPING PRESENTS, but no, we’ll be out in the crowds.

He doesn’t like the presents I bought for them (My Littlest Pet Shop for Wacky Girl, Large Monster Truckfor WB) and insisted on doing the rest of the shopping himself. And swore he wouldn’t wait until the last minute. I guess he’s thinking, “Is not Christmas Eve yet, is not last minute, see? Am organized! Have time to spare!” And Wacky Daddy? Has that phobia where you completely freak out in crowds and hyperventilate and get that little sweat mustache over your upper lip. What the hell is that phobia called? Then he tugs on my arm and says, “We need to leave. Right now.” Even though we’ve purchased exactly zilch.

None of this has anything to do with your lovelife, I’m sorry. It’s just — it poured down rain all day and traffic was awful, then some assholes tailgated me all the way home, cracking themselves up about it, and kept slamming on their brakes in order to not hit my car, which contained my children, and then my asshole neighbor let his dog crap on my lawn. Again. And was rude when I asked him not to. Merry Christmas, assholes! Fwaaa.

Bahy-bahy, I think it is so cool you’re giving love a go again, even though you know all about these assholes in life who let their dogs crap all over. Metaphorically speaking. I think the whole eHarmony, Match.com and all that is so cool, and such a step up from Lonely Hearts Clubs of years past. Oh shit! Those still exist! You need dating service to find Ukrainian or Russian bride for creating happy family?

There is no way to figure out if someone is a pedophile/freak/bad dog owner unless they have a criminal history, or a mouthy ex. I sent away for the list of registered sex offenders in my neighborhood — once you know the zip codes of any potential Lover Men, you can do the same. Also? Wacky Mommy previously was not always the sharpest knife in the drawer re: Men. So one of my girlfriends insisted on running a criminal background check on WD before we got too serious.

(I was already pregnant with our first child at the time, but was unaware of this. Smiles now, years later.)

“Vision correction” showed up on his check. Yes, the man is required by law to wear glasses when he drives. I thought this was so sweet I married him straightaway and started having his babies. I finally told him about the crim check a couple years into our marriage and he was offended. I was like, “Hello? Just because you were from the Midwest didn’t mean you weren’t a serial killer! Clutter family, ‘In Cold Blood’ fwaaa…”

I would, if beginning to seriously date someone, interrogate his family members, ex-girlfriends and wives, kids, neighbors, etc. once we got serious. “So, none of the restraining orders were his fault, eh? Yeah, he does seem like an awesome guy to me! Hard to believe…” Also, your own kids are the best bullshit detectors. And, in defense of underappreciated stepparents everywhere — if they’re decent people, they will show their true colors when the first family emergency occurs. Which will probably be within a week or two of getting to know your kids. They’ll work with them, if they care enough about you to make it work, that is.

A motto to adopt: Get the weak shit out. If they can’t handle you — and that means the entire you, hectic career, house, kids, limited free time and all — then Buh-Bye. You are a complex woman — that’s a beautiful thing.

Much love, and good luck,

WM

PS — WD and Wacky Children just got home, bearing Ferrero Rocher truffle-y things. L’amour, l’amour, it is grand.