Thursday Thirteen Ed. #52
Happy First Birthday, Thursday Thirteen!!! Woo-hoooooooooo… let’s have some virtual cake now.
For your reading pleasure this week, here are:
THIRTEEN THINGS I DO TO FUCK WITH MY CANTANKEROUS NEIGHBOR
13. Travel on the weekends with my extremely handsome and virile husband. (She gets a little jealous.)
(PS — I am not talking about Wacky Nekkid Neighbor. With a name like that, don’t you think she needs her own blog? She has her own fan club, just from her rare and fleeting appearances on my blog. She is a real sweetie pie, WNN. Has a little girl, G, who is a year younger than Wacky Boy. All three of them, Wacky Girl, WB, and G love to play together. WB and G act like an old married couple (“I said not that one! This one! No! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh,” feeding each other sand out of the sandbox, stealing each other’s clothes “That is my shirt, not yours,” etc.) WNN is expecting Baby #2 in December and we are all thrilled. Almost as thrilled as we were when they finally BROKE DOWN AND BOUGHT WINDOW COVERINGS, thus sparing us our daily viewings of their flesh.)
Now, where was I? OK, I promised myself I would not be bitchy this week, but Internet, I am not consistent. You knew this when you hooked up with me. It is this neighbor I am talking about.
12. Spray off her hideous patio as soon as she leaves for work. Buh-bye, doggie pee and poo! (She leashes up the dog from inside the house and throws him out the back door, where he has approximately four square feet in which to “make.” Poor stupid pissing dog.
11. Tell her she needs to build a fence. (You think she would, if only to keep me the hell out of her yard.)
10. Argue with her when she says, “Then the dog couldn’t guard the house!” Me: “Yes, he could.” Her: “No, and someone tried to steal my son’s car!” Me: “You still need a fence.”
9. Play Raffi’s Christmas Album loud out the window, June through September. “There WAS a little baby/oh my LORD/way DOWN in Bethlehem…”
8. Make best friends with her elderly mother, who enjoys pitting us against each other.
7. Yelled “FREE THE DUCKS! FREE THE DUCKS!” when they had two ducks living in a steel cage on their patio. (It only took me two days of yelling to obtain their freedom. They are now living happily along the Columbia Slough.)
6. Give her homemade cookies, cakes and truffles cuz, y’know. Kill ’em with kindness when you’re not fucking with ’em.
5. Play salsa music in the yard and stay up way too late. (I must say, our neighbors ’round the corner have us beat on this one. They do the same, but with a DUNK TANK. A dunk tank, I’m tellin’ you. In the backyard. The neighborhood kids were stoked. And soaked.
4. I water my plants. She is not big on watering, thus my plants? Huge and green. Her plants? Withered and not green.
3. Bring in her garbage can and recycling bins for her. (See #6.)
2. Have workers over here all the time and believe me, they pester her more than I do, what with their bigass trucks, ladders, loud boomboxes and the way they throw debris hither and yon.
1. Smile at her.
, 
.
OMFG! You are freakin’ HILARIOUS! You have GOT to go visit my friend Chickie, ’cause ya’ll have the same sense of humor. I want to live vicariously through you…you have lots more balls than me. And I love the “kill them with kindness” idea. Be nice, then make fun of her. TOO GREAT!
August 2nd, 2006 | #
http://skitteringthoughts.blogspot.com/
Chickie’s blog
August 2nd, 2006 | #
Dammit all to hell, Hockey God won’t let me wax his back. (Just read Chickie’s blog — funny.)
August 2nd, 2006 | #
I am all for the back waxing – did not read the blog but when you are Nekid as much as we are back waxing is good idea.
Wacky Mommy is very lucky we got the window coverings because at 5mos preggers, WNN is not a pretty sight to see.
August 2nd, 2006 | #
That was funny! Good list!
My TT is up.
August 3rd, 2006 | #
LOL great list. Will you come over to my house and help me torture my old lady stalker neighbor? She’s determined to drive me nuts, I’ll have to try some of your tactics.
August 3rd, 2006 | #
Just started with the TT. Love your blog! I love reading about people who are just as much of a smart ass as I am! Jenny
August 3rd, 2006 | #
WNN is wrong, she’s gorgeous. Especially when she’s pregnant. I am just a prude is all. When someone nekkid walks by I’m all, “My eyes! Where do I put my eyes???”
August 3rd, 2006 | #
TOO funny! I love it… you killed me with the “My eyes! Where do I put my eyes???” Still chuckling…
August 4th, 2006 | #
Hey! Can you come over and handle my neighbor for me? Gawd mine is Dumb as a Brick, trying to be like me with the plants and crap too! Build the dang fence already!!
Thanks for joining in – have a great weekend!!!
August 4th, 2006 | #