I was the neighborhood foosball champion, growing up. Did you know that, Internet? That’s right. I even got a first-place trophy when they had a tournament because I kicked ass at foosball. At pool? Not so much. But I still played all the time. That’s because instead of going to the library, I hung out at our local underage poolhall. That’s where I was Aug. 16, 1977, when I found out Elvis Aaron Presley had just died. It was a real shocker to me, finding out the King was gone, because although I was only 13 years old, I was already a huge Elvis fan. (more…)

Sometimes going out to work with your Podmates (I have two. Both girls, and they are so cute and funny and chatty), perhaps to Baja Fresh, where they give you slices of lime for your ice tea (I love this) and 8 kinds of salsa, including this new spicy one that is so good, plus a basket of chips, just for you (you, you, you. No one is reaching their fingers in and eating them because your co-workers have their own baskets of chips…

And even if they didn’t? Unlike your family members, Your Podmates Have Manners and would not swipe your food willy-nilly. At least not this early in the Podmate Game)…

…sometimes, it leaves you energized for the afternoon and refreshed. Like an icy glass of ice tea, with lime.

And sometimes, it leaves you longing to leave work, with your Podmates, and all go for pedicures. And mimosas.

We do work for the government. Don’t government employees do things like that?

We didn’t.

Dear World Wide Web,

I’m tired. I’m working full-time the next two weeks, still waiting to hear on permanent jobs, the kids are getting out of school for the summer soon, we have swim lessons ending and starting right up again, a house torn apart from our awesome painter (no you can’t have his number, I’m keeping him just for us)… weeds to pull, laundry to hang out, fifty more dollars’ worth of gas for the car? Sure thing!

God. I remember having two measly bucks, coasting my Dodge Dart into the gas station for a drink, and praying the attendant would take pity on me and give me an extra buck’s worth. I am that old.

Speaking of — my birthday is coming up. I will be 43. My mother assures me this is not old at all and to please shut up.

A brief round-up, and then I am off to do more laundry and try to figure out where my purse is. (I mean it when I say the house is torn apart. I saw my purse yesterday and haven’t seen it since.) Also, the floors? Trashed. Cooking? Not happening. Dishes? Piled up. So what do you do when you can’t deal with your own house? Go look at the homes of Others. Others Who Can Afford Gardeners and Maids.

My mom and I went on a great tour of gardens this afternoon. My new loves: Baggesen’s Gold shrub honeysuckle, California incense cedar, honey locust, climbing hydrangea, verbena, hostas, candy hearts, clematis… I got so many ideas from the three places where we stopped, I do not know where to start. Perhaps with art. My favorite garden was stuffed full of tiny and big sculptures, pieces of blown glass, decorative stepping stones, everything. It was delightful and a little kooky. But in a genuinely kooky way, not a “Look at me, I’m so kooky!” way. I do not like the “deliberate kook” she is not my style. Wacky Girl went with us and fell in love with the bus stop-sized outdoor hangout that had benches, pillows and shade and everything she’s ever dreamed of, and was just the right size for an almost-8-year-old.

I liked the greenhouse next to it. Ahhhh…

And… in lieu of a real review… next to the DVD player and and next to the nightstand at Wacky House we have:

Punk Rock Dad, by Jim Lindberg (Pennywise lead singer) — totally hilarious read. I’ll give it a full review soon (with help from the Pink-Haired Housewife, I’m hoping) but in the meantime — go pick up a copy. Pick up two and give the extra to a friend. Perfect baby shower gift, anniversary gift or birthday present for the dads (and moms) out there. He’s such a good writer, and so funny.

When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts, a Spike Lee Joint, Pick up a copy of this one, too. And please do not forget, when you’re thinking about Darfur and orphans abroad and the movie stars who love them — New Orleans and the South still desperately need our help. Do what you can and do it now.

Sunshine State, directed by John Sayles

Strictly Ballroom, directed by Baz Luhrmann

Onions in the Stew, by Betty MacDonald

Blood Diamond, directed by Edward Zwick

(Yeah, try to figure out how my brain works based on that list.)

Love,

WM

Amongst my top search terms, y’all were looking for the following:

* naked neighbors (they’re not here this weekend!)

* scarf site sex

* nasty neighbors wives

* cathy mincberg

* nekkid pool

* husband parked in front of the damn tv

* hockey wives

* hockey sluts (followed by…)

* dirty sluts (Hey! We are not!)

* i love my wild cherry tree but hate the mess (me too!)

* i rubbed cocaine on my lips will i be tested positive (me too! No, wait… that’s not true.)

* if you see your mother this weekend tell her satan satan satan