Some mornings it’s best you don’t know that

1) You’ll have to clean-up cat throw-up, first thing

2) you will not get your work-out in

3) you will not get your shower in

4) your kids will refuse to eat, then will get low blood sugar and flip out

5) that mowing the front and back lawns will take less time than you thought it should, but longer than it should have. And there was all that weeding. And the flower bed border that needed to be rearranged. And more weeding. And the two yard debris containers that you will stuff full. And the spider webs that have taken over the yard, each containing one fat, happy, pregnant spider. Sorry, girls. My patio furniture is not a home for wayward spiders.

6) that while bringing in the little kid lawn chairs (wet, moldy) to leave them in the basement for the season (it’s only August 21st! Summer is not over, even though the spiders tell me it’s winding down) — that you will fling black greasy… what??? (some kind of liquid) all over the office, the dining room, the dining room carpet… and you will be halfway down the basement steps, kids yelling behind you, “What is that, Mom?” before you realize what a mess you’ve made. All over the house. Which was, you now realize, relatively clean (despite having been on vacation for two weeks) until you walked through.

7) It’s probably best, that when you woke up this morning, you didn’t realize you’d be mopping the kitchen floor, doing three loads of laundry, running the dishwasher, vacuuming and dustmopping the office, dining room and what the hell! the living room, too. Because the black goo, it got everywhere.

8) including all over the walls, doors and recycling bin. Damn.

9) It’s best that you didn’t know about all the dusting. (Because really? Why not go the full nine yards?)

10) Then there’s the recycling that you might as well deal with, since it’s overflowing.

11) Then there’s the inquiry from the Employer. Would you be interested in one of these three jobs? You would. Will you send a fax, pronto? You will. Since you set up this entire awesome home office three years ago when they allowed you to work at home, and the fax machine was part of the deal.

12) It’s best that you didn’t know all that. (Not thinking about the basil that hasn’t been turned into pesto, the corn and beans that haven’t been picked. I’m relishing what I have done, not what I haven’t. I’m relishing that the kids caught the cleaning bug and cleaned upstairs — “We saw your sign on your door that said ‘Housekeeping Please!’ and we cleaned!!!!” Yay, kids.)

13) It’s best you didn’t find three more home improvement projects that can’t wait. Why did I not notice these before?

14) But the shower? The glass of wine at 2 in the afternoon? The kids, both peacefully watching movies (The Wizard of Oz for Wacky Girl, Scooby Doo for Wacky Boy) and there you are… watching General Hospital. Jason just laid the hugest kiss on Lizzie. Lizzie, leave your cop husband for the gangster! Ordinarily I would not recommend this, but in your case… go, go, go. Do it, girl. (Can I watch GH if I get a full-time job? Yes, thank you TIVO.)

15) Some things are worth the surprise.