For my Thursday Thirteen (helloooooooooo everyone!) Wacky Mommy, Advisor to the Would-Be Stars presents:

THIRTEEN REASONS YOU SHOULD NOT GO ON “AMERICAN IDOL” (and I’m not joking here, people):

13. Most of you are unable to keep your breasts inside your bedazzled halter tops.

12. You don’t know how to pick songs to save your ass.

11. Your asses (speaking of) are not shakin’ nearly as well as that girl’s in the opening credits of “Las Vegas.” That is some ass-shaking, there.

10. Simon is a jerk. Paula is drunk. Randy is unpredictable. Ryan doesn’t give enough hugs.

9. Your kids need you at home. (Did you catch the guy who missed THE BIRTH OF HIS BABY GIRL because he was waiting to audition? AND HIS WIFE SEEMED TO BE OK WITH THIS. Good thing for him the judges said “yay.”)

8. Your wardrobe needs to consist of something a little more, I don’t know, telegenic? Khaki: nope. Dirty T-shirt: nopey-nope. Jeans that don’t really fit: triple-nope.

7. They won’t let you bring your dog to howl back-up. And I know you won’t leave home without him.

6. There are other ways to become a star.

5. You need to give more attention to your blog.

4. And the dog.

3. Really, do you need to break your parents’ hearts? No, I did not think so.

2. Your acting is much better than your singing.

1. You’re just not that damn good.