Did I mention that the carpet dudes are here, laying the new carpet? Hockey God stayed home to make sure they don’t lay me by accident. Heh heh heh heh heeeeeeeeee! (How does that joke go, anyway, “A guy goes over to lay this woman’s carpet…” No, it’s “A floor is just like a guy — lay it right this first time and you can walk all over it for the rest of your life.”)

Or… (stick with me here, I swear I’m going someplace with this…) “Soap” ha! I love you, Soap! I loved that damn show so much, I’ve seen every episode about ten times. If you’ve never seen it, go get it on DVD and have some good laughs.

I’m thinking of the episode where Jessica and Chester give marriage counseling a try. The minister who is supposedly counseling them flips out, rants and raves about his ex-wife, what a complete slut she was, “We were having new carpet laid. The installer apparently got confused about what he was there to lay…” Then he develops a raging crush on Jessica and can’t deal.

In walks the minister’s daughter (this episode had it all), Chester becomes obsessed with her and leaves Jessica. The minister’s daughter then leaves Chester.

“Why??” he asks.

“I found someone better.”

“Better how?”

“Better looking, better dressed, better in bed. Better.”

Chester: “Better dressed???”

The carpet guys just left — the carpet is perfect. A kind of wheat color — neutral, but not boring. Bright, and goes with the woodwork nicely, but not, you know, gray and stained like it used to be.

Better.

The following is from a school newsletter a reader sent along. To all the responsible parents, school staff, medical people, daycare providers, church staff, etc., Wacky Mommy says THANKS for dealing with your lice and NOT BEING A JERK, I appreciate it.

No, we don’t have lice again, but my head is still itching from last spring.

I recommend you save this letter, crib from it, and circulate it if and when you ever need to. May you never need to.

love,
WM

Head Lice

A Plan for EnLICEnment…

Hello parents and guardians of our beloved students! It’s head lice season. Hats, scarves, costumes, cuddly blankets and pillows. Warmth is good. Cuddling is good. Head lice? Not good.

There is a lot of misinformation out there for the parent – or teacher – who discovers the critters on the head of a child – or children. How did they get there? How do I get rid of them? Who can I talk to?

The answers are now being put out there for all to easily see!

Our school library now has four or five books for kids that teachers or parents can check out, to tell their kids about head lice. There are also a couple of books for caregivers explaining how to get rid of them. Soon there will be a binder with information in many languages that teachers can photocopy and send home with students.

Everyone and anyone can -and do- get head lice. They are persistent little pests. Getting rid of them is not as easy as just a shampoo – you must comb and comb and treat and comb some more, washing tons of laundry and putting non-washables in plastic bags and vacuuming and – whew! It is work; several days of hard work. There are many parents at the school
who have had to deal with it. Those of you who would be willing to be on a list, available by phone to help a newly nitpicking parent, please e-mail me, and I will make that list available. Then, when you are in the throes of it, you can call me or another mama and we’ll try to help.

Some brief info:

Not surprisingly, chemical shampoos actually may NOT work well, especially as directed. Contrary to myth, olive oil, coconut oil, tea
tree oil, and mayonnaise CAN work. This is good news for our environmentally-minded families! And there is more good news! You can actually take steps to prevent getting head lice.

The obvious things: don’t share hats, pillows, combs, hair ornaments, etc. (be sure your kid has bike helmet at school, for example, so they do not have to borrow).

The other things: use tea tree oil shampoo; when someone in your class has head lice, start checking your child each day for several days. Make a spritz of water with seven drops each tea tree oil, lavender oil, and rosemary oil, and spray your child’s hair – and your own – thoroughly and allow to dry. Smells good to humans – wards off head lice!

The district website, sadly, pooh-poohs the use of natural oils (which I can personally vouch for). This chart shows the efficacy of the chemicals out there: It may surprise you.

Head Lice to Dead Lice

For really good information, I also recommend:
Head Lice Info
Alt Medicine
Hints and Things
Harvard Edu

So… start prevention and detection now! Check your head, too! And TALK to other parents about it. The school district says that there should be no stigma about it, since anyone can get it; in the same breath they encourage ‘discretion’ so that kids with it don’t get made fun of! Discretion, shame, and secrecy only perpetuate the stigma. Let’s be informed. Use the books and materials in the library. Use natural oils. Call parents who have been through it. Don’t panic. Be enLICEned.

Thanks,

Responsible Mom

Quote any of these and everyone will think you’re a little smarty!

Have fun reading!

love,

WM

(I found these on Litline)

100 Best First Lines from Novels

1. Call me Ishmael. —Herman Melville, Moby-Dick (1851)

2. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. —Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813) (more…)

You will find it’s never too late to plan for the rest of your life, even if you’re not going anywhere over at Grasshopper. It’s the last post I will be writing for them — life has gotten too damn busy here, and I don’t want to do it half-crocked.

Well, I would like to do it half-crocked, actually, but how can I get there on half a glass of wine? I want the entire bottle or I want nothing. Understand, heart? No, it’s okay. I’m a big girl.

I’ve found a few ways to trick myself — virgin Bloody Marys (that just sounds so wrong), herbal tea, decaf coffee.

And half a glass of wine.

“It’s a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it.”

— The Blues Brothers
(Titania was in a “blue” mood)

I would love to leave this messy, half-packed house behind for a week and hit the road with my husband and the kids. Would love that. Maybe the carpet guys will come over and move all the furniture for us and we can go? (We’re getting new carpet this weekend! Not for us — for whoever we sell the place to. So they can say, “Jeez-US! This carpet is ugly — who would pick this color?” It’s kind of a taupe, kinda wheat color? Neutral but not boring.) Then they will spend much $$$ tearing out carpet and putting in laminates. Or hardwoods, if they have that kind of cash. Or maybe under the plywood upstairs they will find… oak!

(They can dream, can’t they?)

Even more than the carpet situation, the carpet situation which is going to consume our entire weekend and on into next week, this fantasy hinges on us having enough cash to do what we want, where we want, without having to worry about work, vacation time, depleted PTO, kids who are in school. And you my dear, beloved readers, would say something like “Girl disappeared! Huh. She’ll be back later…” so I wouldn’t have Blog Guilt. (Those of you who blog, do you have guilt for not updating? I do, sometimes.)

Top Picks if We Were to Pack Up and Go Right This Minute:

* Disneyland!
* Vancouver, B.C.
* to see the grandparents, first in Denver, Colo., then in Iowa City, Ia.
* MEMPHIS!
* New. York. City!
* Kelowna, B.C., sez Hockey God

Thelma: “Are you sure we should be driving like this, I mean in broad daylight and everything?”

— from the film “Thelma and Louise”

I believe I signed up for NoPoMoFoMamaLamaDingDongWriteEveryDay in November, The New Internet Sensation. I thought that what this meant was that at the end of November, somebody would send me, via Fed Ex, a nicely-completed, fully-edited manuscript, with my name attached, and an agent’s phone number. An agent who had already sold the manuscript for a healthy advance.

This is apparently not what NoPoMoFoMamaLamaDingDongWriteEveryDay in November is at all.

Dammit, I really need to read the fine print from here on out.

And figure out how to use BlogRolling so I can get my blog listed on the website.

Farewell,

WM

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, 13ers and all THE USUAL SUSPECTS!!!!!!!

We love Halloween at our house. I love it so much that I would like to eat a pound of chocolate right now to celebrate. Self-control is good, but on Halloween it goes OUT the window. I will try to not eat too much chocolate. I always try to try. Here are 13 funnies for you:

13) One of the first Halloweens my husband and I spent together, we all three dressed up as princesses — Hockey God, me, and Good Ol’ Wacky Dog, who was adorable in a pink sparkly cape and pointy pink hat. We went to a party where a few friendly lesbians took a liking to him, and spent the evening “frenching” him and feeding him beer. Arooooooooooo! (Here is a picture of him, the cutest dog ever, from last year, with my sister’s dog, who is dressed as a dinosaur.) (He used to like to spend Halloween bum rushing the door every damn time the bell rang, and scaring the kids.) (Good puppy! Why did we not lock him in the office? He was part beaver and would have chewed his way out.) (Poor dog. Poor scared trick or treaters.)

12) One of my favorite memories is my daughter’s second Halloween, when my mother tried to “teach” her how to hand out Halloween candy. Only neither one of them would let go. The neighbor kids found this to be “frustrating.” We have it all on videotape, it’s pretty hilarious and a little goofy.

11) First Halloween for Wacky Girl? I dressed her as a bear. Second? She was a little bunny, and every time a kid came up on the porch she shrieked with glee and nearly scared them off.

10) “Trick or treat and make it snappy!”

9) Wacky Girl is dressed as a pirate tonight; Wacky Boy is dressed as a hippie.

8) Wacky Girl: “On Halloween, little girls go wooooooooooot-wooooooooooooooot! Hallelujah! Tricker treating!”

7) Wacky Boy: “On Halloween, little boys say twick o tweet. TWICK O TWEET FOR UNICEF!!!!”

6) Wacky Girl, upon finding out that trick or treating ends when you turn 12 or 13: “I thought that was horrible and… pretty bad.”

5) How about some candy, y’all?

4) My dad used to take us out trick or treating for blocks and blocks and blocks and never gave up before we did. That is my definition of a great father. My mom used to sort out all of our candy after we went to bed and only ate some of it, not all. That is my definition of a great mom. Also, she used to sew all of our costumes — gypsies, clowns, witches, whatever we wanted.

3) Wacky Girl’s definition of the perfect Halloween: “You get a medium amount of candy. You go home, you eat half of it, and you go to bed. The next day you don’t go to school cuz it’s Candy Hang-over Day. Then after lunch and dinner the next day you eat the rest of your candy. And that’s a perfect Halloween.”

2) Wacky Boy’s definition of the perfect Halloween: “I do not have one.” (Proceeds to wrap ribbon from sword all around the office. “It took me a very long time to do.”)

1) Happy Halloween, and I hope you get lots of treats and hardly any tricks.

WM

Linus: [to Charlie Brown after Sally tells him off] You’ve heard of the fury of a woman scorned, haven’t you?

— from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”

Oh, Linus, I root for you and the Great Pumpkin every year.

Wacky Girl, this morning: “What are you going as for Halloween, Mom?”
me, thinking it’s best to stick with what you know: “How about… a scary witch?”
Wacky Girl: “How about a MOM they’re the scariest!!!”

I want tricks and treats! I was smart and bought only candy I don’t like — Nerds, Tootsie Pops, Reese’s sticks and Mounds. (I like the Mounds, but it was the smallest bag.)

4:45 p.m. here — We’re going to attempt dinner. Ha! Futile, but I’ll plough ahead. The kids will pretend to eat. My sister is coming by. Hockey God is bringing home Indian food yes chole and samosas! Woo-hoo!!! Wacky Girl is already in costume, dressed as a pirate, yar, complete with a stuffed parrot and a ribbon-festooned sword. She keeps practicing with the sword, it’s a lot of fun.

Wacky Boy? He’s a cute little hippie, complete with a hat his sister knitted him, a scarf I knitted him, a tie-dye shirt, peace symbol necklace and his dad’s safety glasses. (Don’t ask. The boy likes safety glasses.)

“Nothing is really so very frightening when everything is so very dangerous.”

— Gertrude Stein