Quote any of these and everyone will think you’re a little smarty!

Have fun reading!

love,

WM

(I found these on Litline)

100 Best First Lines from Novels

1. Call me Ishmael. —Herman Melville, Moby-Dick (1851)

2. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. —Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813) (more…)

You will find it’s never too late to plan for the rest of your life, even if you’re not going anywhere over at Grasshopper. It’s the last post I will be writing for them — life has gotten too damn busy here, and I don’t want to do it half-crocked.

Well, I would like to do it half-crocked, actually, but how can I get there on half a glass of wine? I want the entire bottle or I want nothing. Understand, heart? No, it’s okay. I’m a big girl.

I’ve found a few ways to trick myself — virgin Bloody Marys (that just sounds so wrong), herbal tea, decaf coffee.

And half a glass of wine.

“It’s a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it.”

— The Blues Brothers
(Titania was in a “blue” mood)

I would love to leave this messy, half-packed house behind for a week and hit the road with my husband and the kids. Would love that. Maybe the carpet guys will come over and move all the furniture for us and we can go? (We’re getting new carpet this weekend! Not for us — for whoever we sell the place to. So they can say, “Jeez-US! This carpet is ugly — who would pick this color?” It’s kind of a taupe, kinda wheat color? Neutral but not boring.) Then they will spend much $$$ tearing out carpet and putting in laminates. Or hardwoods, if they have that kind of cash. Or maybe under the plywood upstairs they will find… oak!

(They can dream, can’t they?)

Even more than the carpet situation, the carpet situation which is going to consume our entire weekend and on into next week, this fantasy hinges on us having enough cash to do what we want, where we want, without having to worry about work, vacation time, depleted PTO, kids who are in school. And you my dear, beloved readers, would say something like “Girl disappeared! Huh. She’ll be back later…” so I wouldn’t have Blog Guilt. (Those of you who blog, do you have guilt for not updating? I do, sometimes.)

Top Picks if We Were to Pack Up and Go Right This Minute:

* Disneyland!
* Vancouver, B.C.
* to see the grandparents, first in Denver, Colo., then in Iowa City, Ia.
* MEMPHIS!
* New. York. City!
* Kelowna, B.C., sez Hockey God

Thelma: “Are you sure we should be driving like this, I mean in broad daylight and everything?”

— from the film “Thelma and Louise”

I believe I signed up for NoPoMoFoMamaLamaDingDongWriteEveryDay in November, The New Internet Sensation. I thought that what this meant was that at the end of November, somebody would send me, via Fed Ex, a nicely-completed, fully-edited manuscript, with my name attached, and an agent’s phone number. An agent who had already sold the manuscript for a healthy advance.

This is apparently not what NoPoMoFoMamaLamaDingDongWriteEveryDay in November is at all.

Dammit, I really need to read the fine print from here on out.

And figure out how to use BlogRolling so I can get my blog listed on the website.

Farewell,

WM

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, 13ers and all THE USUAL SUSPECTS!!!!!!!

We love Halloween at our house. I love it so much that I would like to eat a pound of chocolate right now to celebrate. Self-control is good, but on Halloween it goes OUT the window. I will try to not eat too much chocolate. I always try to try. Here are 13 funnies for you:

13) One of the first Halloweens my husband and I spent together, we all three dressed up as princesses — Hockey God, me, and Good Ol’ Wacky Dog, who was adorable in a pink sparkly cape and pointy pink hat. We went to a party where a few friendly lesbians took a liking to him, and spent the evening “frenching” him and feeding him beer. Arooooooooooo! (Here is a picture of him, the cutest dog ever, from last year, with my sister’s dog, who is dressed as a dinosaur.) (He used to like to spend Halloween bum rushing the door every damn time the bell rang, and scaring the kids.) (Good puppy! Why did we not lock him in the office? He was part beaver and would have chewed his way out.) (Poor dog. Poor scared trick or treaters.)

12) One of my favorite memories is my daughter’s second Halloween, when my mother tried to “teach” her how to hand out Halloween candy. Only neither one of them would let go. The neighbor kids found this to be “frustrating.” We have it all on videotape, it’s pretty hilarious and a little goofy.

11) First Halloween for Wacky Girl? I dressed her as a bear. Second? She was a little bunny, and every time a kid came up on the porch she shrieked with glee and nearly scared them off.

10) “Trick or treat and make it snappy!”

9) Wacky Girl is dressed as a pirate tonight; Wacky Boy is dressed as a hippie.

8) Wacky Girl: “On Halloween, little girls go wooooooooooot-wooooooooooooooot! Hallelujah! Tricker treating!”

7) Wacky Boy: “On Halloween, little boys say twick o tweet. TWICK O TWEET FOR UNICEF!!!!”

6) Wacky Girl, upon finding out that trick or treating ends when you turn 12 or 13: “I thought that was horrible and… pretty bad.”

5) How about some candy, y’all?

4) My dad used to take us out trick or treating for blocks and blocks and blocks and never gave up before we did. That is my definition of a great father. My mom used to sort out all of our candy after we went to bed and only ate some of it, not all. That is my definition of a great mom. Also, she used to sew all of our costumes — gypsies, clowns, witches, whatever we wanted.

3) Wacky Girl’s definition of the perfect Halloween: “You get a medium amount of candy. You go home, you eat half of it, and you go to bed. The next day you don’t go to school cuz it’s Candy Hang-over Day. Then after lunch and dinner the next day you eat the rest of your candy. And that’s a perfect Halloween.”

2) Wacky Boy’s definition of the perfect Halloween: “I do not have one.” (Proceeds to wrap ribbon from sword all around the office. “It took me a very long time to do.”)

1) Happy Halloween, and I hope you get lots of treats and hardly any tricks.

WM

Linus: [to Charlie Brown after Sally tells him off] You’ve heard of the fury of a woman scorned, haven’t you?

— from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”

Oh, Linus, I root for you and the Great Pumpkin every year.

Wacky Girl, this morning: “What are you going as for Halloween, Mom?”
me, thinking it’s best to stick with what you know: “How about… a scary witch?”
Wacky Girl: “How about a MOM they’re the scariest!!!”

I want tricks and treats! I was smart and bought only candy I don’t like — Nerds, Tootsie Pops, Reese’s sticks and Mounds. (I like the Mounds, but it was the smallest bag.)

4:45 p.m. here — We’re going to attempt dinner. Ha! Futile, but I’ll plough ahead. The kids will pretend to eat. My sister is coming by. Hockey God is bringing home Indian food yes chole and samosas! Woo-hoo!!! Wacky Girl is already in costume, dressed as a pirate, yar, complete with a stuffed parrot and a ribbon-festooned sword. She keeps practicing with the sword, it’s a lot of fun.

Wacky Boy? He’s a cute little hippie, complete with a hat his sister knitted him, a scarf I knitted him, a tie-dye shirt, peace symbol necklace and his dad’s safety glasses. (Don’t ask. The boy likes safety glasses.)

“Nothing is really so very frightening when everything is so very dangerous.”

— Gertrude Stein

I got a real shocker when I picked up the kids from school today.

“Dad says you’re supposed to feed us dinner, so we can carve pumpkins when he gets home!”

What? I mean, what? I need to play chef? For the Kids Who Refuse to Eat? I’ve turned into Cher in “Mermaids,” when she serves the kids cocktail weiners, aka “pigs in a blanket,” and fruit kebabs.

We are now eating a pu-pu platter of goat cheese, crackers (the healthy kind — Wheatettes!), dried cranberries and cashews. By “we” I mean “I am” because the kids aren’t touching any of it.

Let’s play a game, it’s called, what will your 8-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son eat, Wacky Mommy? Have they gotten over that whole Picky Eater thing?

Q: Vegetables?
A: No. Except french fries. And not all french fries, just the crinkly kind. No, the shoestring kind. I think. Who knows. They won’t eat home fries, sweet potato fries, anything that doesn’t “look” like a french fry.

Q: Vegetables with ranch dip?
A: Nope.

Q: Fruit?
A: Yes. But only pears, apples, oranges, raspberries (Wacky Girl); pears, raspberries (Wacky Boy). Wacky Girl: “I kinda like strawberries. And watermelon. Kinda.”

Q: Cheese?
A: Mostly, especially if it’s combined with macaroni or melted on top of pizza.

Q: Meat?
A: They do not care for meat. Any meat. Wacky Boy occasionally likes a Dino Nugget from Costco.

Q: Hot dogs? Hamburgers? Weiner wraps? Chili dogs? Sloppy Joes? Meat or veggie ones?
A: They will say no.

Q: Desserts?
A: All desserts are accepted. Desserts, however, are not regularly offered, due to the lack of eating Real Food.

Q: How about tater tots? All kids like tater tots!
A: Not mine. Once in awhile my daughter will eat a baked potato, and she likes cornbread, and spaghetti. (No meat sauce, no meatballs.)

Q: Is it a bitch, trying to cook for them?
A: Nope. I used to sweat it, now I just roll with it. Vegetables and fruits: Offered (and refused). Bean burritos, tacos, nachos: Offered (and refused). Mashed potatoes? My daughter will sometimes eat mashed potatoes. Wacky Boy could live on cereal bars, toast, and vanilla yogurt. Que sera, sera.

They’ll eat when they’re hungry.

From Saturday Night Live, circa 1976:

Madeline: “So then the man gets bare naked in bed with you and you both go to sleep, which is why they call it “sleeping together.” Then you both wake up and the man says, “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable?” No, wait a second, um, no, I think that comes, uh, before. Anyways, it’s not important, it’s not important.”