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April 9th, 2005

My WM Living Will is as follows:

A “Do Not Resuscitate” order is a fine idea, but damn, if I get hit by a bus or something and am unconscious in the street, get me to the hospital, please. “Sorry! She said she didn’t want heroic measures.” “Yeah, we should respect her wishes, she’d want us to…”

If (God forbid) it ever comes to this, my husband would pull the plug on me so fast, half of my friends wouldn’t even have been notified that I was Knocking on Heaven’s Door. I mean, c’mon, this is the man who didn’t go get the doctor when I was in labor. FOR THREE GODDAMN DAYS. (From 3 p.m. Wednesday until my beloved c-section and 10 pound, 2 ounce baby girl arrived, 8 a.m. Saturday. You do the math.)

“The nurses say you’re doing OK!” (direct quote from WD.) NO I WAS NOT DOING FINE. Fucking back labor. Fucking epidurals that wear off. Fucking “progressions” that don’t progress.

“I’d say you’re at… five centimeters now!” (midwife, bright and chipper, hour 30.)

Yeah, we were in the hospital for all but the first few hours, I wasn’t trying to brave it out at home. And no, for the record, I never insisted on natural childbirth. It’s been almost six years ago and yes, dammit, I’m still pissed about it. Is that wrong? (Claire just had her baby, sans drugs, on last week’s episode of “Lost” and I’ve got childbirth on the brain. I’m like, hello, what’s she going to use for diapers? What about rice cereal? Will they still be stuck when the baby’s eating solids? Is anyone else going to get pregnant? Does Sawyer have a stash of condoms tucked away somewhere? I love that show, it’s terrible, really.)

So, for the record, if WD goes first, I’m keeping him on life support just to torture him. And at his funeral I’d serve BBQ (he’s a vegetarian), have a DJ play the greatest dance hits of the ’80s (no Coltrane, no Monk), and I’d buy him the biggest, tackiest display of plastic flowers I could find. Maybe have a nice display out of stuffed teddy bears, too.

He’d want it that way.


  1. Moi says

    Preparing a Living Will:

    Highlights include:

    Leave at least one reasonably flattering photo for the press. This point cannot be emphasized enough.

    Telling your friends while you’re drunk that it would suck to be on life support doesn’t constitute a living will. Make sure to write it on the back of a coaster.

    Don’t underestimate how quickly your family, including your beloved wife and two cherubic children, will tire of the burden you will become.

    April 13th, 2005 | #

  2. Wacky Mommy says

    And don’t write it in crayon on the coaster, either. Find the barmaid and borrow her pen.

    April 13th, 2005 | #

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