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Spa Day and L. Ron Hubbard

May 1st, 2005

(this entry is from Sat. 4/30)

Lied to husband. Said I had no plans to spend his money when in fact I did (having already booked massage and haircut at day spa. Was unable to book manicure/pedicure appointments due to impulsiveness of call — two hours in advance). In desperate need of being around adults who do not urinate on floor when bored, as WB has taken to doing.

Sat in parking lot in Northwest Portland, waiting for appointments to begin, eating pulled pork sandwich with shredded cabbage salad, v. tasty, and Tazo ice tea. Read “How to Lose Your Ass and Regain Your Life,” by fat girl actress Kirstie Alley. Immediately began feeling better, having realized early on into book (ie — acknowledgement page) that I’m doing flippin’ great. I base this on the following: When/if I ever do get one or more of my books published, I will never feel compelled to thank L. Ron Hubbard. Who, as Kirstie puts it, “…turned out to be the most helpful friend I’ve ever had.”


Plus, she thanks her typist. I know how to type. Hmm. What a tremendous day this has turned out to be! I had no idea that just reading an acknowledgements page would make me feel so lucky. And she thanks all the big-butted girls.

You’re welcome, Kirstie.


Spa was flippin’ great. I had a spectacular massage with J, who worked out that painful kink in my neck that’s been keeping me awake nights, and got a transplendent haircut from B, who has fallen for a widower from Arizona and was just so sweet and goofy happy about it. Before the massage appointment I took a lovely shower, and no one opened the door on me OR peed on the floor! Fantastic! Plus I got to wear a cushy white robe that no cats had thrown up on. Well, deluxe.

In between appointments I sat in the steam room and meditated, then read a sexy article about Kim Cattrall, who is Happily Single. I nibbled on walnuts and dried apricots and cranberries, and drank some kind of crazy tea that they said was peppermint and licorice, but I think was drugged, cuz I promptly fell asleep right after finishing it.

Right in the big cushy armchair, I just passed out and dozed for about half an hour, with my feet up, snuggled in my Joan Crawfordish white robe. Ahhhhhh… No one yelled at me to get them milk, I didn’t have to go anywhere, the dog didn’t stick his tongue up my nose, the phone didn’t ring — it was cool.

I recommend this treatment, or a variation on it, for everyone, it rocks.




  1. Roxie says

    Yeah,You! I’m so happy that you did a nice thing for yourself. Sounds like a slice of heaven. I could use a massage about now, after working in the yard this afternoon. Geez, I hate feeling old.
    Now about the pedicure . . . I was thinking about getting one. What a coincidence! It is always fun to get a pedicure after you’ve had a couple of vodka lemonades with a friend. After, you both go and giggle, while getting pampered. aaaaaah! Interested?

    May 1st, 2005 | #

  2. zipdodah says

    Rock on Wacky Mom…….You DESERVE it!

    Oil changes are every 3,000 miles; Tune-ups every 6 months; complete checkups, tire rotations, detailing at least every 30,000 miles…..
    Diaper changes – every 3 hours; Children’s check-ups; every 3 months;
    complete physicals with cold tables and paper-thin frocks; once a year.

    After spa treatments they need to give Momma’s a sticker (like they give you after your auto oil change) that says to return in 3 months or after 3,000 diaper changes.

    May 2nd, 2005 | #

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