Dear Wacky Mommy: I am sorry. Am I the only one with crazy in-laws? One is a drunk at night and likes to find men and the other one is stuck in the south with his crazy wife and his four kids (Hello—-stop breeding). How to deal with these people? What I would really like to do is just go to the Caribbean and fish for our life. We would have to get a bigger boat. And lots of rum — we are parrotheads.

Signed,

Parrothead Mommy

Dear Parrothead: No, we all have crazy in-laws. Except WM! I am blessed, and I mean that. (Also my FIL sometimes reads my blog — kisses to him, and a private note: We’ll call this weekend, I promise! Yes, it’s still raining here. And the kids are still sleeping til 10 a.m. every day, the little slackers… miss you!)

Sounds like your FIL doesn’t live in town, but does your mother-in-law? (ie — is she picking up men and bringing them to your place? Please God, NO!!!) Haven’t people read “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” or seen the movie, with drunken Diane Keaton? I read it when I was a mere child, 15 or something, and saw the movie, too. It scared the shit out of me enough to never ever want to drink ‘n’ date. OK, except for maybe just a little. So thanks for the loan, Mom! (It was her paperback.) It worked!

Give her a bag of old paperbacks with a copy of “Goodbar” mixed in, and hope she reads it. I could see if my Mom still has her old copy of it…

Seriously, though, I’m sure she’ll be fine — just don’t let your kids ride in the car if she’s driving. And I probably wouldn’t have her babysit at night. As for your FIL’s breeding habits — so, your kids have some uncles and aunts that are the same age as them, or close? Well, that could be cool for them, when they’re older. Maybe they’ll have more of a hangin’ out cousin relationship than bossy aunt-rude uncle/pissed off niece-or-nephew type of relationship.

I’d stay in touch with the younger crowd (birthday cards, e messages, visits, when possible) for the sake of your kids. Be guarded with the in-laws, but treat them with the same dignity and respect with which you would like to be treated someday when you’re an old, possibly still breeding, drunk. Heh heh.

And look into the rum/Caribbean option.

Love,

WM