Friday Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others
Dear Wacky Mommy:
My husband sleeps until all hours of the day. He sleeps too damn much. How do I get him to not sleep so much? He says sex will help, tit for tat or something, I say forget it.
Help?
Signed,
No Sex for Sleep-In
Dear No Sex:
Well, we’ve reached what we in the Advice Field like to call “An Impasse.”
He’s not getting what he wants, you’re not getting what you want, but the kids are probably getting what they want, ie — lots o’ television. I’ve noticed that people who like to sleep a lot tend to like to watch TV a lot, too. They might have missed something, while they were asleep. You just never know.
You could try reverse psychology — a week or two of soapy handjobs, middle-of-the-night sex, nooners while the kids are watching a video, etc. but my guess is this will make him even more relaxed and the sleep problem will not decrease. Is he depressed? Does he have sleep apnea? Insomnia that you don’t know about, so he’s making up for it at odd hours? Make an appointment for him to get a physical, then wake him up and drive his lazy ass to the doctor’s. Does he exercise? Eat right?
Anyway, once you’ve eliminated potential reasons for his big snoozin’, if it’s still a problem, break out the big guns. Change the sheets on the bed, while he’s in it. Better yet, just strip the bed and take all the blankets and pillows away from him. I mean, what is he, a 16-year-old stoner, or a husband and father? You could invite all the neighbor kids over to have a bongo parade through the bedroom. I once poured a bucket of ice water on a boyfriend’s head when he was in the shower. (I think I stood on a stepstool, outside the shower? I’m tall, so it wasn’t too much of a stretch.) Can’t remember details, but it woke him up.
A few times, Wacky Daddy has referred to our income as “my money” (he’s the primary breadwinner, I write novels that I can’t get published, I blog, cook and clean, and, oh yeah, take care of the kids). My solution? I bought myself a new piece of jewelry every time he said “my money.” Problem solved, with only two or three purchases! You have to be creative, mamas. One of my Wacky Mommy friends used to pinch her husband’s nostrils shut while he was sleeping, then when he woke up gasping for air would say, “Oh good! You’re awake!” and make her demands. The man never listened to her! It was terrible, really. But she figured out a solution and they’re happily married today because of it.
You might want to try her trick. Cover mouth and nose both if he’s a mouth-breather. Write later and give us an update, would you please?
Love and kisses,
Wacky Mommy
PS — I am not a trained professional, and none of this advice should be considered “professional medical or mental health advice” in any way, shape or form. TTFN, WM
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Hey Wacky Mommy
yes, he has insomnia, it’s called a double shot americano at 8pm! He called the other night saying “I don’t understand-I’m so jittery all of a sudden, I only had a double americano…” I know, I know, I’m married to a genius. I’ve tried the blanket and pillow trick. I like the bongo parade-he is a drummer, he just might join in. Sixteen? possible yes, his father just moved into town, so he may be revisiting his stoner days…ah well. Exercise? Eat right? What are those???? I think my only hope is the nostril trick…I’ll let you know.
Thanks,
No Sex…
December 1st, 2005 | #
Thanks for the update, baby. Good luck to you and your guy.
December 1st, 2005 | #
I have this same problem with my husband. I think he suffers from depression, can’t sleep at night, sleeps in as late as he can get away with. It drives me crazy! He is supposed to be a role model for our children. What kind of role model sleeps in until 10 am sometimes while the rest of the family is up? He does take a daily pill for depression, eats well and exercises 2-3 times per week (only when I make him go). I am at my last straw here and I think the sheet changing, bongo parade or nose plugging will just add to the fighting this already is causing. He thinks it is no big deal and tells me not to worry about him…. I know he is stressed because he started a new job, but I think he should be getting his lazy butt out of bed early to work as hard as he can to get better at it. Please give some words of advice.
Desperate!!!
May 5th, 2006 | #