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Friday Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others

January 20th, 2006

Dear Martha Stewart,

Hi, it’s me. What should I do, Martha? I just want to slap the shit out of practically everyone I run into. (Not my spouse or kids, thanks. I have some, but not much, self-control.) I can’t go slapping everyone who pisses me off. I mean, there was that kicking incident at Staples recently (see Jan. 10 entry). Pattern may be emerging.

So how did you handle it in prison?

It’s like your theme song, “…am I the same girl?/yes I am/yes I am…” Am I the same girl? I don’t think I’ve always been so irritable.

Please advise.


Wacky Mommy


  1. HH says

    First off… what are these people doing that you are running into? They may very well deserve a sound slapping (see Jan. 10 entry). But as you said we can’t go around slapping everyone– such bad manners. I would suggest something we in the pen would refer to as “gettin’ high.” With endorphins that is. I don’t mean a little treadmill, a little pump, pump of the bench press, then hit the spa, I’m talking SWEAT here! Exhaust yourself! Don’t do it to lose weight. Do it because you are imagining that punching bag is your latest run-in’s face! Do it because you have aggression that needs an outlet or it will make you sick! Do it because perhaps you don’t want your children to see you haul off and slap someone (not the best role modeling, but ah, exercise is). It may be hard at first, but consider the alternative. You are the same girl just as I am, sometimes we just need to “get high” (it seems increasingly so with age). Give it a go. I would be very surprised if you didn’t see some improvement in your condition. How do you think I maintain my energy and good manners? It’s how I maintain my job of saving the world from bad taste. It’s a hard job. Good luck… It’s a good thing. –Martha

    January 21st, 2006 | #

  2. Wacky Mommy says

    See? You knew it! I didn’t work out once this week and it shows. Damn this shitty, rainy weather, it’s keeping me from walking. Just because others are not courteous doesn’t mean I can’t be.

    January 21st, 2006 | #

  3. zipdodah says

    “Auto scream therapy” is an addition to my weekly workouts. I tell zipdad and zipkid I need to go for a quick run to the store. Get in my car, roll up all the windows and scream scream scream…I tend to do this after dark, seeing as I don’t want to scare the oncoming drivers with bugged eyes and a gaping mouth. Just one of many stress releases I have. Maybe Martha will add this to her “to do list.” ;-)

    January 22nd, 2006 | #

  4. Wacky Mommy says

    Screaming — It’s a good thing…

    January 22nd, 2006 | #

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