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One Kid, Twelve Kids, Whatever. You Get a Frickin’ Headache No Matter What

June 7th, 2006

So. The Lovely Miss Amalah posed the question, re: what to do when you and your spouse can’t agree on how many kids to have (zero? 15? four and a half?): “Whose definition of “complete” did you end up using?”

AND THE READERS WENT COMPLETELY NUTS. It’s a pretty interesting read. But don’t consider jumping into the fray, cuz the comments section, she is closed.

Honestly, people, people, people. The question is not, “How many kids should we have?” but rather, “How the hell do I get rid of this headache that I’ve had for two weeks, that is considerably aggravated by my screaming kids?” One kid, 15, four and a half, it doesn’t matter. They’re going to scream, and you’re going to get a headache.

Yeah, I’m looking forward to summer break, you betcha. All that brotherly/sisterly love. Fwaaaaaaaa.

Back to the headache… I should probably say, “This headache that has come and gone since I first became pregnant almost eight years ago. How do I get rid of it? Cuz tylenol, advil, drinking enough water, cutting back on caffeine, none of it is working.”

Please, I want my kids to not shriek. Please. I love them so right now. They are sound asleep.

I finally went in for the overdue CAT scan (to see about my sinuses. I cannot breathe from my left nostril. Thus the headache? Will know more when doc calls with results.) I found the scan to be disgusting and scary and very weird.

Do you remember a decade or so ago, when that episode of Pokemon made all the little kids throw up and have seizures? Well, who the fuck knows if that really happened or not. Let’s just say the CAT scan machine had a Pokemon effect on me and it was freaking awful. So Pokemon freak-out kids, damn, I feel for you.

They stuff me into this thing — they lean my head waaaaaaaaaay back into a cradle. Now mind you, at the time of the scan (it was Monday) I had had this neck ache/headache combo pack going for a good two weeks. So it was not the best physical position for me to be in. Then they straight-jacket me in, with this lead blanket? (Sorry, not one for details, especially when I’m trying my damndest not to puke.) And the upper piece of the machine keeps sliding back and forth, taking images, there is a huge fluorescent light above that, with four tubes, and it keeps popping in and out of view, as the thing slides.

Then a circular piece (this brought on the Pokemon Effect the worst, I think) lights up like a spaceship and whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir starts spinning and fuck me running — it was not fun. I was burning up, and sick, and shaking. Then I did what I always do when I freak out: Hold my breath. Great.

I’m thinking, “Don’t cry. Don’t throw up. Breathe! God. Think of… Jesus this is worse than labor!” (I thought being fully clothed for the scan would make it better. It did not. Nothing made it better.) I finally called, “YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF HERE!” And the two techs called over the intercom, “Just finished up, hang on, we’ll be right there.” Then when they pulled me out (I did not throw up, yay!) I could not stop shaking and crying. The techs felt like shit, but they’re used to it, they said. Brought me a wet rag for my head.

“We need more WD-40 for that thing,” one told the other. I thought it was the panic attack, making me hot, but they said no, the room was way too hot.

“Why’s it so hot in here?” one asked the other. I have never been so glad to get out of a medical facility in my life. I called Wacky Dee on the phone and he thought they diagnosed me with brain cancer or something, I was crying so hard.

“Don’t drive yet! Just breathe for a minute, OK?” I love my husband. All that — sexual attraction, and “oh we have so much in common!” and all that? None of that shit matters. What matters is does he look out for you when you’re panic attacking? Does he clean out the gutters in the pouring rain because he doesn’t want you to have to deal with a flooded basement again? Does he put a door stopper thingy on the wall, so the new paint doesn’t get gouged? Yes, yeah he does all that.

So the CAT scan freakout — it was like an extraterrestrial experience. And a day before 6/6/6. A quincidence? I think not.

Headache/neck ache still haven’t gone away. I need to go see the acupuncturist.


  1. Comic Mummy says

    Sorry to hear about that – yeah, I had a CATscan a few years back and remember it not being a whole lotta fun!!

    Thanks for the link to the ‘more kids’ debate – I’ve been tossing and turning as to whether to go for number three for quite a while now, but hubby’s not as keen for it as I. Still, it’s probably for the best, at least for the moment!

    June 9th, 2006 | #

  2. Wacky Mommy says

    I was set on four, but two is alright here.

    June 9th, 2006 | #

  3. Zipdodah says

    WM – sorry to hear about your experience. I seriously believe anyone getting a scan should given valium or something before.
    CAT scans, lava tubes……not my idea of fun.
    My last scan was full body scan. Lead “blanket” draped over my lovely gown…And to make me relax were headphones blaring Billy Ray Cyrus. Come to find out…uh..duh..we’ve scanned the wrong hip…you have to come back…well for the love of Jebus…at least give me some Johnny Cash to listen to next time!
    And those lava tubes? Near Bend. Pretty cool…from the OUTSIDE.
    They give you a lantern and then you crawl down into the belly of the earth. One lantern. My better half and two monster children thought it would be funny to run ahead and hide the light from me….Uh NO. 20 minutes later I am screaming, which the bats don’t particulary care for. Next vacation stop will be ABOVE ground, thank you very much.

    June 9th, 2006 | #

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