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Friday Advice Column/My Husband is Too Sexy for This Blog

September 28th, 2006

We were at dinner. Two tables over I saw this cute family — both kids dressed in their school uniforms. Well, the parents weren’t that cute, they were kind of homely. But the kids were cute, because of the uniforms and all. I’m thinking, like I always think when I see those adorable jumpers and the sharply-creased slacks and the plain white shirts, “I love school uniforms. So practical! So not Hello Kitty and Crazy Doesn’t Even Begin to Cover It (with that stupid bunny that my daughter and all the other girls adore) and My Pretending to Listen to You Should Be Enough and Your Shirt Says ‘Princess’ But Your Face Says ‘Frog.‘” Etc.

(I have a fondness for school uniforms that is not shared by my friends who attended parochial school. Unless their kids are at parochial school, in which case they all say, “School uniforms are the best. You don’t have to hassle every day about what to wear, and it’s cheaper, and NO FIGHTS ABOUT SLUTTY CLOTHES.”)

So I’m daydreaming about uniforms, and cursing crop-tops, low-slung jeans and bitchy T-shirts and I notice that her kids have left her table. And her husband. She’s alone. She’s having a moment of “mommy me time.” And she’s… tongueing something?

What? It’s the little cuppy the salad dressing came in, and she must really like salad dressing because she’s giving it the best hummer it’s ever had.

Me: “Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! Do you see that?”

Hockey God: “I think she’s, uh, trying to get someone’s attention?”

Me: “Who? You? You wish.”

HG: “Uh. Yeah.”

She finishes off her merlot. She’s cupping the glass with both hands, peering into it, as if to say, Only half a glass? That’s it? Sigh. She drinks it up, sets down the glass, walks by our table, and waggles her boobies at my husband. It was blatant. People, she was wearing a SWEATER SET. Low-cut, but a SWEATER SET NONETHELESS.


HG, smiling: “Told ya.”


And now a word from Wacky Girl:

Girls go to Mars/to eat candy bars

Boys got to Jupiter/to get more stupider

Girls go to college/to get more knowledge

(Beth from Planet Nomad warned me a year ago that this would be Wacky Girl’s favorite jingle this year. Even though they’re in West Africa, she knew this. It’s universal, apparently.)

And now, a long-lost friend…


This week, our guest columnist is Wacky Sister, mommy of Random Pooper.

Q: Do you feel guilty leaving your dog alone all day while you’re working? I have a small dog, too, and I think she gets lonely.

A: Yes, I do feel guilty. Especially on sucky days at work I’m thinking, I wish I was home with my dog, napping. Do you have other pets? My dog has two cats she hangs out with and they keep her busy. She grooms them. Also, it makes me more aware of weekends, that I need to get in walks with her. The activities I do are more “dog-oriented.” My friends invite me over to watch movies and she goes with me. We go on lots of walks. She runs errands with me.

If the weather’s warm, I run errands earlier in the day. When I’m going to be gone, I fill up a small Kong with tiny, bite-size dog biscuits, and that keeps her busy.

The reality is, when I have days off during the week, I see how much she sleeps. She might watch The Today show with me, but then she’s off to take her morning nap. Small dogs sleep as much as cats. I don’t know if your small dog sleeps with you, but my small dog has her deluxe Costco bed, and when she sees me getting my bag and coffee ready for work, she heads back to bed. My dog likes the oldies station, so sometimes I leave the radio on for her.

Have fun with your doggie!


  1. Sharpie says

    Oh the jingle…I know it well. How the hell does it spread like clamidia? And the Sweater Set has nothing on the nurses who always ask my husband if he’s married. He says yes. They ask if it matters. Nice, no?

    September 29th, 2006 | #

  2. Wacky Mommy says

    “Does it matter?”??? What nice nurses.

    September 29th, 2006 | #

  3. edj says

    See? I told ya. Just so you know, WackyBoy will recite it too, just in reverse. Girls go to Jupiter, etc

    September 30th, 2006 | #

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