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Thursday Thirteen #78: 13 Things I Found Out at the Vet’s Office Today

January 31st, 2007

Pet lovers of America: Are you neurotic? If so, your pet must have inherited it from you. If you’re well-adjusted, no problem. You must have some unexplored, deeply hidden neuroses because your pet? All of his/her/its problems are your fault.

For my Thursday Thirteen:

13 Things I Found Out at the Vet’s Office Today

13. I need to modify my behavior if I want the dog to change, according to the vet tech. I began cursing at her, and it went downhill from there. And yes, she already knew about this and this (but not this) from reading his chart. (Is it karma? Is this whole thing my bad karma, because I stole the dog? Universe, you win.)

12. “I have fucking tried everything. Nothing works,” is what I hissed at her. (I did not slap her, as promised. Sorry.) Then I told her I was ready to have him put down over this, because my life is a mess. My house? Also a mess. She harumphed and left. They then sent in another vet tech who was nicer.

11. Just because the cat has worms it does not mean the dog does. Or the other cat. We now have a prescription for worm medicine for the one cat.

10. I found out that if I give the dog four tablets of Benadryl (25 mg. each) he may sleep at night and not stay awake, tormented, chewing his feet and tail and keeping us awake. (Bonus: I didn’t have to buy any! I’m planning to give him the liquid stuff I give the kids. Not straight out of the bottle — I’ll use a medicine spoon. Which I will wash afterward. Or burn.) (Also, the whole visit set me back $144. And that was without shots.)

9. The vet: “If you’re not getting enough sleep because the dog is keeping you awake, this might make you a little stressed.”

8. Then: “Our goal is to keep you less crazy than your dog.” Good, because that’s my goal, too. Finally we’re on the same page.

7. I need to take out the trash every time I leave the dog alone in the house. And keep all the dishes done. (Funny, I’ve already been DOING THAT. Because the few times we haven’t: Chaos.)

6. I am to give him one Metronidazole tab, 500 mg., every 12 hours for the next week. This supposedly will prevent bowel-carnage all over my domicile.

5. If I fill out a nine-page “Canine Behavior Consultation Questionnaire” and pay a vet who specializes in separation anxiety hundreds, perhaps thousands, of dollars, she will work with us. Sample questions: How does your dog get along with family members? Answer: Too well. He cannot bear to see us go. Describe your dog’s learning ability. Answer: He is smarter than I am. I’d have to say “Pretty good” to this one. List family member with least control: Hahahahahaha!!!! See? It’s always gotta come back to me, doesn’t it?

4. The Dog Whisperer says, “Give me a biting dog anyday over one of those frickin’ neurotic Yuppie Black Labs because those dogs? Those dogs cannot be helped.” (Or words to that effect. Actually, I didn’t find this out at the vet — I told her that I’d read this in an interview with him. She sadly agreed.)

3. If we try giving him treats we might be able to teach him better habits. (If we hadn’t already tried that one, lady, my dog probably wouldn’t weigh NINETY-SIX POUNDS. Not 85 — 96.)

2. Doggie Prozac might help. We probably would not be able to find a good adoptive home for him. (We’ve considered this.) “Dogs like this are extremely hard to place.”

1. “It might come down to how much your quality of life is suffering. Not his — he’s fine. I mean, look at him. He’s fine. But this is not good for you.”


  1. Gattina says

    He, he, he, wonderful post early in the morning and then the first one and I could laugh ! Thanks to you I start my day with a good laughter ! I know it only too well, I have four cats ! That’s even worse, because a cat does what she wants and you just have to agree. So I am NOT a cat owner but OWNED by four cats. Now I think you vet needs absolutely psychological help. He or she puts all her frustrations on the dog owners ! Keep a clear head and continue to love-hate your “little” doggy !

    January 31st, 2007 | #

  2. John says

    Good post. Buffy is on doggie prozac and it has helped her a lot so far. The only problem is that it’s $80.00 for a bottle of 30 pills and she has to take 2 pills a day. It’s getting pretty expensive.

    My 13 are up.

    January 31st, 2007 | #

  3. TopChamp says

    good luck with the dog…..!

    Happy TT

    January 31st, 2007 | #

  4. Brad says

    With apologies to your stress and turmoil, your post made me laugh, partically because we have been having doggy problems (all three dogs seem to be suffering from prolonged cabin fever) for the last few weeks.

    February 1st, 2007 | #

  5. Lori says

    We had two dogs who drove us completely insane. We ended up having to take them back to the pound where I’m sure they were destroyed because they were so bad. It hurt me but it ended up being a safety issue.

    RE: #9, Ya think? Good grief!

    February 1st, 2007 | #

  6. LIB says

    WM- I’m sorry sorry you’ve been saddled with that guilt–you don’t NEED it and you don’t DESERVE it.(Please excuse the analogies I make throughout this comment to dog-ownership and parenthood; I know the LAST thing you want to think about is Wacky Dog as your kid.) There is nature and there is nurture–all of our kids problem/misbehaviors aren’t due to parenting, some of their issues are due to problems inate in the kid. I was beating myself up about how materialistic my younger daugher is. (I thought I didn’t instill enough values in her.) A wise friend said it wasn’t my fault that she’s materiaalistic–she’s that way DESPITE the values I had instilled. That same friend has teenagers who aren’t model citizens. A mom with younger kids, hoping to raise perfect teenagers, asked, “What did you do wrong?” The truth is often kids turn out differently than we hoped IN SPITE of our parenting.

    February 1st, 2007 | #

  7. Wacky Mommy says

    “What did you do wrong?” Oh, that is precious. Argh.

    February 1st, 2007 | #

  8. Loretta says

    LOL ~ less crazy than your dog is a very good goal! Happy thirteening!

    February 1st, 2007 | #

  9. Bubba says

    I love this list…made me laugh out loud! As for your vet…I lovingly refer to such people as “those who have a firm grasp on the obvious.”

    If you get some doggie prozac…are you gonna share?

    February 1st, 2007 | #

  10. Janet says

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve having such trouble with your dog. It’s a tough call when the vet visits cost so much…

    February 1st, 2007 | #

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