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February 12th, 2007

Oregon, I love you Oregon. Your deserts — so near. Central Oregon — so lovely. Your beaches — from Portland, only two hours away! Your big mountains, also only two hours away! We can ski, snowshoe, swim and surf. Bring a wetsuit, though, and possibly the Coast Guard. It’s a little rough, our beach. (And I’m talking all of the Oregon coastline, until you hit far, far south.) It’s rocky and often rainy and windy and sunny and gorgeous, sometimes all at the same time.

I hate you, Oregon. Your lousy schools, your rude citizens… (It did not used to be this way, I’m speaking as a native here. However, a new transplant, a woman who moved here from the Bay Area with her pre-teen daughter, recently described Portland to me thusly: “Portland is like a really beautiful woman, and you think, ‘She seems nice!’ Then you find out she’s this rude, evil bitch.” I apologized because, you know, I Am Portland, Hear Me Roar, and told her, “I could not agree more.”)

… your hellish traffic, your mold and mildew that clings to our lungs and sinuses and makes my daughter’s asthma come back…

(We hate you, asthma. Bugger off.)…

…and brings my bronchitis back for its twice- or sometimes thrice-yearly appearance. Will it turn into bronchial pneumonia? Will it not? Will antibiotics work, or will my lungs kill me this time? Stay tuned.

Hockey God and the kids and I have been dreaming — in all honesty, it’s my dream, I’ve just dragged them into it, now — about moving away. We’re thinking Iowa, where his family lives.

“We come from Iowa/
corn in every hand/
finest in the land/
we come from Iowa/
That’s where the tall corn grows…”

Do we really need:
7 Bed, 2.25 Bath
3,400 Sq. Ft.
7.38 Acres


Do we?

Well hell yes we do, because it’s priced to sell at $269,900, and that is much less than you could get a fixer-upper for here. And “here” would include no acreage, no view, plus lousy schools, bitchy people, more rain than you could ever dream of, and possibly a drug house or two on the block. Because, you know. “The neighborhood is transitional! That’s why we can get you in at this price!” Love, Your Realtor.

We love Iowa. We’ve started job-hunting. The kids are already starting to pack.

More on this later… of to take Wacky Girl in for a doctor appointment. Asthma.


  1. Jen says

    Having lived in Centralia, WA (You know…the potty stop between Portland & Seattle) for 3 hellish years…we have now been living in the beautiful bluegrass of Kentucky – where the rain doesn’t last for more than 5 days in a row!!! It is fabulous…and I’m no longer the crazy mommy who will follow a ray of sun around the house…you get the picture!

    February 12th, 2007 | #

  2. WackyMommy says

    Oh GOD, I do that! I follow sunshine around from room to room, seeking it out. I’ve heard Kentucky is gorgeous — enjoy it.

    February 12th, 2007 | #

  3. Nekkid Neighbor says

    We will miss you.

    Portland is great and could not imagine living anywhere else.

    February 12th, 2007 | #

  4. WackyMommy says

    To you, Vermont girl (aka Wacky Nekkid Neighbor), I say — you haven’t been living in the rain for 42 years. We will miss you, too, and your Nekkidness. If we go, that is.

    This whole deal hinges on jobs and whether or not we can locate two.

    February 12th, 2007 | #

  5. edj says

    NOOOOOO!!!! Don’t go!! I will never see you. I never see you as it is. :( WAAH!!!

    February 13th, 2007 | #

  6. Mary says

    Can’t say as I blame you WM. Portland has been going slowly down the drain for some time. The schools DO suck, no matter what the PR dept. at PPS says. If I wasn’t tied here for a job I would be loading the kids and critters and moving out. Best luck to you! Wacky Mommy does need a Heartland bureau, no?

    February 13th, 2007 | #

  7. LIB says

    I’ve just met you, & you’re going to leave??!!??(Read in whiny voice.)

    But, you have to do what’s best for you and your (& kiddo’s) health. We can still be cyper friends.:)

    February 13th, 2007 | #

  8. Terrible Mother says

    Iowa? IOWA?

    No, WM. You can’t leave now!

    February 13th, 2007 | #

  9. Mrs. Flinger says

    oh, AMEN, hon. I mean, you’re moving to IOWA? Sucks. But that Portland thing? SERIOUSLY. And to Jen in Centrailia, HI! We pee there EVERY TIME we go back down to Portland! Love me some Centrailia Safeway bathroom.

    But from a native Texan who moved to Portland six years ago and Seattle five months ago, I miss the sun. I miss cheap housing. I miss nice people. But I love the mountains. And water. And… *sigh* I just can’t win…

    February 13th, 2007 | #

  10. Mrs. Flinger says

    Also, I can spell Centralia. No, really…

    February 13th, 2007 | #

  11. Wacky Mommy says

    It’s a vitamin, I think. Centralia Plus. Yeah, the winter blues have hit harder than usual this year. And everyone? I would still be HERE. Just not here.

    February 13th, 2007 | #

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