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Settin’ the Lawn on Fire

July 3rd, 2007

It’s only the third of July, but damned if the Wacky Family will be deterred from lighting off fireworks early. I DO NOT HAVE A DOG IS WHY. Poor dog. I miss my dog — every time I walk by the huge fern in the back yard I expect to see him come slithering out. (It was cool and dank under there — nice and chilly on a hot dog’s belly.) But he is gone. I loved that crazy dog. And by crazy, I mean “teched.”

BUT NOW WE DON’T NEED SEDATIVES. So I bought the hugest box I could find at Target (the legal Oregon ones, not the illegal Washington ones, thanks) and Wacky Boy picked out his favorite. It has a big stick.

Because that’s what it’s all about in this life, and my son has figured that out — Who has the biggest stick?

We jammed it in the lawn, lit it, and KABLOOIE! Right away it starts acting like an illegal Washington firework (where they have the good ones. Same as the reservation fireworks. None of this wussy crap. The good ones. Like in Missouri!). It spits sparks and fireballs all over.

“That could catch our lawn on fire,” I say.

“Yep,” my children’s father says.

“It is catching on lawn on fire. I’ll get the hose.”

“Yep,” my children’s father repeats.

The kids just now, on their way to bed: “Wasn’t that so cooooool how dad caught the lawn on fire???”

Happy Fourth, y’all. Here’s to our continued American independence, and our need to thrust our independent ways down everyone else’s throats.

Happy Fourth, Scooter Libby, ya bozo. Whew! Close one.


  1. Mallory says

    You caught the lawn on fire? Coooool! Even cooler that it did not catch the wacky house on fire. Check your spam filter, I left another comment that disappeared into the ether. Happy Independence Day and hope we get a president whose not a corrupt dope the next time!

    July 3rd, 2007 | #

  2. Leanne says

    You, as my neighbor, would scare me silly and make me want to have a party with a kegger at the same time.

    Happy 4th!!

    July 4th, 2007 | #

  3. Wacky Mommy says

    We are fairly obnoxious. But our neighbors are worse, what with their guns, meth, pitbulls, thieving and all.

    Happy holiday!

    July 4th, 2007 | #

  4. Jenny says

    Well last night my husband lit off a rocket without putting it in the launch pad thingy thing that I found after the rocket almost came through the screens. We thought our neighbors with the young kids were gone for the week, damn, but don’t you think I saw Mom today at work. They were happy to hear the finale, lol. We got some serious fireworks here in NH.
    Dads + Fireworks = testosterone in overdrive.

    July 5th, 2007 | #

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