Reviewed today, in three seconds flat:

Why am I doing three-second book reviews? Because I haven’t written any fiction in, I don’t know, all week?? Most of break? I need to write, Internets. Blogging is writing, but blogging is not getting me a book deal. And my kids? My kids are thoroughly, completely, kicking my ass with their whole, “No traditional bedtime! We stay up ’til 1 a.m.! We have new books to read! Toys to play with! Cats to chase!” attitude. I am so ready for them to go back to school. Their break was late this year — they got out of school, I don’t remember when, exactly. Christmas morning they had a half-day, I think? They go back to school Monday, thank you Jeebus. On to the Shortest Reviews in Life:

Re: Sex Detox, by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. (Collins, $24.95, 256 pages). Let’s just say, I have been asked by someone in my home to not discuss this book or my love of it. Let’s just say, am now living a monk-like existence, meditating, deep breathing, further examining my already thoroughly-examined life. Don’t be fooled by the hot pink cover and its !!!!!! recharge! revitalize! rejuvenate! etc. It’s an interesting book. Just sayin’.

Re: Little Stalker, by Jennifer Belle. (Riverhead Books, $24.95, 333 pages.) Melissa Lion turned me on to this author. Thanks, babe! (Also, because of Melissa Lion, I now know the difference between a Brazilian and a Frenchini. Excellent!) I am about halfway through “Little Stalker” and it is just funny and crazeee and a good read. I’m having conversations with the character, Rebekah, in my head, as she stalks a Woody Allen-type director, makes friends with an old lady who fakes catatonia, steals money from her dad. I’m thinking, Stop! No, go! Go, go, go! Stop, aiiiiiiiii, are you crazeee? Then I’m telling myself, Self. Calm down. It’s just a book. I like this book — she has a couple of other books published, too — “Going Down” and “High Maintenance.” No, really — I have no idea why I’d be so drawn to this girl. Ha.

re: Thick as Thieves, by Steve Geng. (Henry Holt and Company, $24, 292 pages.) Ah, you know I have a soft spot for guys named Steve. This one takes the cake. And the records. And any drugs you might have in your medicine cabinet. And forgets to call his sister, his parents, his sponsor… Just like with “Little Stalker,” I was saying, Stop, no, Jesus, what are you thinking? No, that’s a terrible idea. OK, go, go, GO! all through this one, too. I couldn’t put it down until I was finished with it. His sister, Veronica Geng, was a great writer and you know, her brother’s a pretty great writer himself. Now, dude — stay clean.

And with that, I bid you all adieu.

WM