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halfway to dead with guest star Sam Adams, Mayor of Portland

June 19th, 2009

Yes, it’s my 45th birthday next week, which makes me officially halfway to dead. “If you’re lucky,” Steve sez. (My response: ???. I think, before it’s too late, he needs to take some “hints” from our Facebook friends on how to talk to ladies. Sheesh.) In honor of the big day, we went out for a little birthday dinner tonight at Pizza Fino, over in beautiful historic downtown Kenton, North Portland, U.S.A.

Of course our poor, beleaguered, misunderstood and sometimes, allegedly, drinkin’, drivin’ and cryin’ Mayor of Portland, Ore., Sam Adams, was there with three of his associates, constituents, friends, what have you.

That sentence was too long, I’ll start over.

I’m assuming the associates were picking up the tab, since between lawyer bills and all he can’t afford to make his mortgage payments. (“Portland: We’re So Broke Our Mayor Can’t Afford A Grown-up Boyfriend OR His Mortgage.”)

The staff was playing, as always, a lot of really sucky music that I believe the kids refer to as “techno.” That, combined with the fact that we had to wait an hour for our food, combined with the fact that the mayor was there, combined with the fact that our waitress was so absolutely beautiful and sweet that I couldn’t even hold the whole “food never arriving thing” against her, gave me what I refer to as “fucking headache behind my left eye.” Then, out of nowhere, they played ZZ Top, I’m Bad, I’m Nationwide, I’m assuming in honor of my birthday and the mayor.

Only he isn’t and I am.

“We going downtown in the middle of the night
We laughing and Im jokin and we feelin alright”

You know how old Wacky Mommy was when that song came out? That’s right. I was a freshman in high school and already getting into bars and never getting carded when I bought booze at the store. You poor kids nowadays, I feel for you. Don’t drink and drink, though! That’s bad.

Then they played a bunch more techno crap, I drank a lot of water, tried to figure out if that was our friend Babe across the way, I think it was, why couldn’t they have seated Babe next to us instead of the damn mayor, I love Babe… Finally the food showed up and my son ate an entire large cheese pizza all by himself, Wacky Girl split her pasta with pesto with me and we just chilled.

More techno.

Then again out of nowhere, they played “Low Rider.” Which I’m assuming Steve took as a hint to buy me the ’64 Impala with hi-jackers that I’ve only been wanting my entire goddamn life how many hints do I have to drop?

“I’m dropping hints/
candy for candy-coated tongue”
— Violent Femmes

That Impala, it was born the same year as me. I’m telling you — as soon as we get a garage I’m getting an Impala to put in it. You heard it here first.

Then I heard the lady at the table next to me tell her husband, sotto voce, “She’s 44.” Husband grunts. Wife continues, “She looks old for her age.” I’m sure she wasn’t talking about moi, as I am not just incredibly yummy and hot, but also Bad and not just limited to Nationwide — I’m international, mama. And the mortgage, she is getting paid.


  1. Lelo says

    Wacky Mommy so kicks ass. Happy early birthday beautiful. :)

    June 19th, 2009 | #

  2. edj says

    I’m SURE that lady wasn’t talking about you cuz you do not look old for your age. Sam Adams is lucky to be able to party in the same air space you inhabit! Happy Birthday N! Next year, celebrate in Morocco. Cuz the nation isn’t big enough.

    June 20th, 2009 | #

  3. Rita says

    My very first car was a ’61 Impala. Bought it for $1. Really. Monster fins. Style that Toyota can only drool over. But it drove like a f***ing boat. No power steering. I remember trying to do a 3-point turn on a narrow street and at the end had to stop to catch my breath and mop up the sweat. But I felt invincible…..Ah, the good old days.

    June 20th, 2009 | #

  4. Steve R. says

    Brother Butchie had a ’63 Impala, I think.

    If I buy you a ’64, it’s gonna be pure stock, baby. Except maybe the rims.

    June 20th, 2009 | #

  5. The Other Laura says

    Happy Early Birthday! (I am two years older than you which means you must treat me with respect as your ELDER!)

    Whenever I hear a great song in public, like the grocery store, I always feel like they’re playing it just for me – thinking, The Pixies, in the produce section, just for me!

    June 21st, 2009 | #

  6. Stephanie says

    Nice one…fave part “Portland! we’re so broke our mayor…….

    My favorite your mama joke was the one that David Robinson said to Jamella Green in 7th grade home ec class at Edison High School, “Your mama is so broke she lives in a two-story cheerio box…your mama is so ugly she looks like a heat bump on Grizzly Adams big toe.”

    June 23rd, 2009 | #

  7. Neisha says

    Happy Birthday! And she was definitely *not* talking about you.

    June 23rd, 2009 | #

  8. LIB says

    I like to sing, ‘ALL. MY. FRIENDS. Drive a low rider.’ But, I’ve often thot, ‘It is so not true! Not only do not ALL MY FRIENDS drive a low rider, NOT EVEN ONE of them does!’ But YOU, with the Impala, could change that.

    July 4th, 2009 | #

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