In no particular order…

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So there I was at my dining room table, having breakfast with the kids and my mother-in-law and eating breakfast when WHOOSH there goes a streak of white. And again. And again. Yes, it was my Nekkid Neighbor in her panties, almost nekkid across the way, dashing around her dining room. Why won’t they get window coverings? Because we have them, so apparently they don’t
need them. Only, I don’t think I should have to keep the blinds drawn all the time. Children need a little natural light.

Only not so much “natural white,” if you know what I mean.

Her husband has been working on being “not so naked all the time,” as Nekkid Neighbor puts it. Neat.

One time when Nekkid Neighbor’s dad was in town, he wore a chicken suit while eating dinner. That was pretty funny, to me, Hockey God and the kids. I phoned the neighbors and said Never mind the window coverings if you’re going to entertain us like this. Goofy. But they rilly, rilly need to keep the clothes on.

Wacky Mommy A wrote in, waxing philosophical — here is her essay. Interesting reading…

Religion–March 12, 2005

“I was wandering around the house, doing a bit of Saturday cleaning, feeling joyful because the sunlight was streaming through the windows and children were laughing in another room. The sunlight and good cheer made chores a pleasure for a change. Getting lost in my thoughts, considering changes of spring and renewal I started thinking about Easter.

Easter is a holiday that I can get behind, not in the Christian way but in what it represents; newness, rebirth, the promise of life after the winter. The stream of consciousness went down the path of Church. Is my family going to Church on the upcoming Easter? My husband’s parents would like that. My grandma would like that, so would some of my aunts and uncles. But would I like that? Would I be going because it’s good for my family, good for me, for my “salvation”? No. If we went to Church it would be to please the family members.

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It’s almost time for the Friday Advice Column. Questions?

No time to blog — off to a v. important PTA meeting. OK, i have a
question for you all — why the hell can’t we drink at public school
PTA meetings? It seems only fair.

ttfn,

WM

A mommy writes and asks:

“Does anyone have suggestions on helpful books, websites, ideas, etc. to help parents ease into the ‘tween transistion?”

(For those of you who don’t know, ‘tween refers to “between little kid
and teenager,” ie hormones can be raging, along with mood swings, etc.
Wanting to snuggle, but wanting to seem “cool,” all that.)

Ideas???

I like the Family Fun website, they’ve got some good ideas for all
ages. At our school they’re big on having the older kids mentor the
younger kids — is she doing any kind of “big sister” stuff, with maybe
Girl Scouts or school? It helps boost their confidence, at a time when
they’re maybe feeling a little unsteady.

And keep her as busy as possible, cuz you know this is the age when
they want to “impress” their friends by doing exceptionally wacky
things.

Hey everyone,

Hope your weekends went well. We’re all fine over here, in spite of allergies, asthma attacks, runny noses and all that.

Read the “Recent Comments” section if you have a chance. Lots of questions. If you have any suggestions, post away.

Off to do yoga — buh-bye….

WM

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Wow, Wacky Mommy’s life is so much more entertaining than mine–I thought the fulltime working mommys were supposed to have the most fascinating lives…maybe if you’re an architect mommy or a doctor mommy, but a clerical mommy? I don’t think so! I am actually trying to ask for advice but not sure of the protocol. What I want to know is what does it mean when your 22 almost 23-month-old is suddenly very clingy, whiney, wanting to nurse ALL THE TIME and he’s not sick, doesn’t appear to be teething (he looks like he has all his teeth, but what do I know?) I am worried he’s been through some kind of trauma and is regressing, but can’t think of anything traumatic he’s been through lately. Probably being almost 2 is traumatic enough in itself. Anyway, help, Wacky Mommy!

Signed,

No Idea

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Welcome to the Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others:

Q: What do you tell your five-year-old son (who loves to make things
from household items) when he finds some tampons (good rocketship
material) and wants to know what they are (I simply said “Tampons”) but
more importantly wants to know what they are for?

A: What a resourceful kid! I’d congratulate him, first, on being so
creative. If he’s asking questions, give him some answers. “They’re for
my period. That’s when women bleed once a month, if they’re not having
a baby. Girls use tampons and pads for the blood.” I usually explain
privacy issues to my kids, too, ie — “We don’t need to talk about this
with other kids or grown-ups, it’s private.”

Then take the tampon from him, go find your husband’s athletic cup (a
clean one, of course) and give him that to play with, instead. It makes
a great drum.

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More education stories in the paper today, about how the state has more money than they thought. No, not really, cuz there is even less money now for schools. (Well, which is it?) More teachers will need to be fired. The school year will be shorter. But the district is hiring seven people to do PR and “communicate.” So they apparently have the money for that. I cannot communicate well about any of this. I guess I wouldn’t deserve one of their $100,000 + a year jobs, since i am unable to communicate about this subject that is so near to my heart.

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Thus begins the weekly Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others. Wacky Mommy is willing to answer any and all of your questions, and call in the experts if necessary. So fire away!

A disclaimer: This service is not meant to replace regular care and maintenance of your automobile, and is not intended… oh, wait. That’s from the letter my auto club sent me weekly when I had my Dodge Dart. What I meant was: This column is not written by a medical expert, or, to be brutally honest, an expert in much of anything. Yet people insist on asking for my advice! So, what’s a girl to do but attempt to help, however lamely she can? And not hold it against them when they don’t take my advice anyway! You don’t want my advice, dammit, don’t ask!

Savvy?

What I meant was: This column is not meant to take the place of medical attention from a doctor, witch doctor, or mental health professional. Whew!

Our first question:

“Hi, yeah, I have a kind of neurotic mother question. My son’s birthday party is this Saturday at the kids’ museum. Some of the people haven’t called to RSVP. Quite a few of them, actually. Is it OK to call them? And if they can’t come, invite other people? Even though it’s kind of late in the game? Is that tacky? Thank you.”

I heard from this mommy on Thursday evening, which in my book is planning ahead. I mean, two days til the big event! Dang, good job being so organized, baby! To her I say:

Hell, yes, get on the horn. Cuz you’re paying by the head at the museum, correct? And you want to make sure that at least a couple of his pals show up, otherwise it could traumatize the little guy for life, years of therapy, a twitch in his eye, etc.

What I have done in the past is call people and say something like “I know you guys probably have been swamped and haven’t had a chance to RSVP, but I’m wondering if you all are going to be able to make it to Woogum’s party on Saturday? It’s fine if you have other plans, I’m just trying to get a headcount for the museum! Thank you! Call as soon as you have a chance!”

Hopefully you get them on the line and don’t have to wait for a callback. If they hem and haw, for the love of God give them an out. Because we all know that for most of us, kids’ birthday parties can give us headaches, ruin friendships, send us running for numerous vodka lemonades, then you get called a drunk by your so-called friends, “It’s only 2 o’clock and you’ve already had two vodka lemonades? Jesus, woman, get a grip!” words are exchanged, etc. So be gracious. Then re-do your count and call a couple of more people, if the numbers match up, and say something like:

“Would you guys like to come to Woogum’s party? It’s this Saturday (details on location, time, gift exchange or not, etc.) and I totally understand if you guys already have plans.” Then… here’s the tricky part — let’s say Family One calls you back. “We CAN make it after all!” Well, then you’re screwed. Not really. You’ll just need to pay for the extra admissions. Or you could lie, and say “Sorry, the room is limited to 10 people and we just found out my husband’s cousins are in town. Want to get together next weekend at the park instead?”

More suggestions:

* If you’re inviting his class, invite the whole class OR just one or two of the kids, tops (by private invite, through the mail). If you
invite half the class then that can be very hurtful to the rest of the kids, cuz they’re going to hear about the Big Fun they missed.

* A gift exchange of toys or books (in lieu of gifts for the birthday kid) can be nice. $5 max, and make sure to stash a few extra presents in the trunk of your car in case some of the parents forget. Another nice idea is to ask for donations to the Humane Society, local homeless shelter for women and kids, or another favorite charity.

* Limit the soiree to two hours, tops, for younger kids or Bad Things Can Happen. I know. And..

* No spin the bottle til they’re 12!

Kisses to the birthday boy!