I decided to throw myself a small party for my 44th birthday, as I’ve mentioned here 10 or 20 times, and it went okay. You know why? Because instead of doing all the food myself I called out, “Potluck!” and everyone responded.

We had… (more…)

I was named Awesome Community Member of the Universe on Friday night. Don’t get excited — they gave awards to a whole gaggle of people from the community, not just me. Also, they mispronounced my last name. Because I’m so Cool and Important. That was a little awkward, but whatever. I was still excited anyway because I so love to get attention and free appetizers. And I was a little jealous because the students being honored received the most ginormous trophies, the kind with the huge loving cups on top. (I got a fancy paperweight. Which is cool, but not a loving cup.) (more…)

To my son, who is now six: Happy Birthday, kid. Keep reading.

Love,

Mommy

In the front of “Oh Say Can You Say” there’s a note from Wacky Boy’s Uncle W.:

“May I suggest Dr. Seuss for learning to read, meeting chicks and getting tattoos. There is always more with these books.”

Uncle W.
April 2004

That’s right. My son was two that year and already getting girl and tattoo advice from his Unky. This year he gave him a couple of “Summerland” (Michael Chabon) for his birthday. Wacky Boy’s auntie and grandma loaded him up with “Magic Treehouse.” We like 2 read.

But wait — there’s more!

Have any of you read this series? We’re just getting started…

Happy Sunday to you all. I’m now an official Volunteer Parent/Community Member Librarian.

Am thrilled.

xxox

WM

At first I wasn’t too sure what to make of this Skinny Bitch series by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. I especially have issues with the proposed title for the authors’ new cookbook, “Skinny Bitch: Bun in the Oven.” (Please tell me this is a joke. Please tell me we are not encouraging pregnant mamas to be skinny. Girls, when you are pregnant and nursing, really, you need to eat. Eat as healthfully as you can, but eat.)

Anyway, their recipes are alright. Especially since you know I’ll go low-fat, but I am not so keen on the vegan cheese. But vegan does not have to be scary! OK, I’ll go for it if you will. You first. Who doesn’t want to “Start Looking Hot!”?? Sure, that’s all of us, right? Blech. Let’s start right here with… (more…)

I was going to write this post two weeks ago, but I got distracted by someone’s smut talk. That’s right. It was her. No, I cannot find the exact post I’m referring to, because I cannot figure out her archives is why. (Blame it on Mac blogs.) Anywho, lots of sex talk, smut talk, shoe talk, California talk over there. Don’t go all crazy.

Thirteeners and Usual Suspects, I am back. And this week, I will make a stunning and daring attempt to visit 50 — yes, fifty — Thursday Thirteen blog posts after I am done here. Wish me luck, because you know how it challenges me when I try to “concentrate” on something for more than 20 minutes at a shot.

Hmmm. Why is this so? I have no idea. All I know is that both Mallory and Rockstar Mommy have given up blogging and I am not so happy about that. It leaves me less than inspired about my own blogging! They inspired me! I am not giving you links to them because what would be the point?

To quote Lewis Grizzard: “Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good myself.”

Without further kvetching, I present…

Thirteen Fun Facts About Fannie Farmer and Frances Farmer:

1) They are not the same person. They are entirely different chicks.

2) Fannie was a Unitarian, thus my Sunday School lesson on her a couple of weeks back.

3) Throughout the class, I was nervous that I was going to say “Frances” when I meant “Fannie.” Frances was accused of being both an atheist and a Communist. Hmm.

4) Perhaps I should have worked this quote into my lesson? “It was pretty sad, because [after the publication of God Dies] for the first time I found how stupid people could be. It sort of made me feel alone in the world. The more people pointed at me in scorn the more stubborn I got and when they began calling me the Bad Girl of West Seattle High, I tried to live up to it.”

5) Sadly, I did not share that quote with the children. Instead, we made muffin mix:

Mae’s Muffins
Adapted from a recipe by Fannie Farmer, the “Mother of Level Measurements.”

Divide batter evenly among muffin cups. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown. Immediately remove from pan.

We measured the dry ingredients only into gallon zip-lock bags. The kids thought this was excellent. We accidentally added a half-teaspoon of extra salt into the mix we brought home. No matter! We added shredded, unsweetened coconut for our “add-in,” along with some extra sugar, and it turned out great! We made a pan of it, due to the fact that I couldn’t find our muffin tin. It baked at 350 degrees (then 325 degrees, for the last 20 minutes) for about an hour total. Dee-licious.

6) Fannie Farmer worked as a “mother’s helper” for Little Marcia Shaw (this is how she is named in my book) and taught her to cook! Then she wrote down the recipes for her, and that eventually became the “Boston Cooking School Cook Book.”

7) She taught at the school for many, many years.

8) How many? I have no idea!

9) She also wrote a book called “Food and Cookery for the Sick and Convalescent.” She considered this her most important book. When I am sick, all I want is Pad Thai with shrimps and Tom Kha Gai soup. I am seriously doubting that her Food and Cookery book contains these recipes, so I have no plans for purchasing it. I am sorry, Fannie. Also I have no plans for actually cooking Tom Kha or Pad Thai, cuz we have a number of excellent Thai restaurants in my neighborhood where we can go for take-out.

10) Hmm. More on Frances? She supposedly never had a lobotomy, according to Wikipedia. And Wikipedia, as you know, is next to God. Just ask Michael Scott.

“Western State Hospital recorded all the lobotomies performed during Farmer’s period there. Since lobotomies were considered ground-breaking medical procedure, the hospital did not attempt to conceal its work. Although nearly 300 patients received the procedure, no evidence supports a claim that Farmer was among them.”

Newspaper interviews: In 1983 Seattle newspapers interviewed former hospital staff members, including all the lobotomy ward nurses who were on duty during Farmer’s years at Western State. They confirmed that Farmer did not receive a lobotomy. Nurse Beverly Tibbetts stated, “I worked on all the patients who had lobotomies, and Frances Farmer never came to that ward.” Freeman’s private patient records contained no references to Farmer. Dr. Charles Jones, Psychiatric Resident at Western State during Farmer’s stays, also stated that Farmer was never given a lobotomy.”

11) Fannie? She taught people to measure “exactly” and is known as the “Mother of Modern Measurements.” She and my granny would not get along one bit because my granny does not measure anything. Ever. She uses a measuring cup to dip in the flour, but only if she doesn’t have a coffee cup handy. I have followed in her footsteps, I am happy to say.

12) Frances Farmer’s films include: “Come and Get It,” “The Toast of New York” and “South of Pago Pago.”

13) If I had to choose between dinner with Fannie Farmer and Frances Farmer, I think I’d go for Frances. We could get Thai take-out and discuss our medical histories, amongst other things.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

How to Cook Vegetable Green Curry, Wacky Mommy-style

1) Decide to cook dinner. That’ll be a shocker. (I have lost all mojo for cooking.) (Lost.) (As in, gone.)

Wacky Girl, apprehensive: “You’re cooking?”

Wacky Girl, screaming to her brother: “Wanna play Candyland?” (more…)

Do you love Debi Mazar? I do. I’ve loved her since waaaaaaaaaaaay back when she did Madonna’s make-up (how do I happen to know this little tidbit, about her humble beginnings? Why did that alert me to who Ms. Mazar was? I have no idea), before Entourage, before Civil Wars, before Spike Lee. I love that girl. She and her husband, Gabriele Corcos, love to cook. You’ll find them at Under the Tuscan Gun…

They’re adorable.

Bon appetit!

WM

My pie would be called The-Why-Doesn’t-BlogHerAds-ever-ever-ever-
include-me-in-links-anymore-do-I-say-the-word-
fuck-too-much Pie

Alternately:

Love-Love-Love-No-Arguing-With-Assclowns-on-the-
Internet-Day-Only-Full-of-Love Pie

I’m writing out the rest of the Xmas cards. Does that count as fiction writing? I sure hope so. I’d like to think of something clever to say here, but I am just beat to hell tired. Damn holidays. Damn pressure. On a bright note, I cooked dinner tonight for the first time in… weeks. Months? Hard to say.

Hockey God: “Cooking a pot of beans and a pot of rice does not count as ‘cooking,’ per se.”
me: “Yes, it does.”
Hockey God: “But you didn’t do anything with them.”
me: “So?”

We had Tomato/Sweet Potato Soup that I made in the world-famous Rival Crockpot. (Thanks to my sis for the best Christmas present ever — still going strong, a year later.) I’ll list the ingredients, you put ’em together:

onions
garlic
celery
carrots
sweet potato cubes
tomatoes
vegetable broth
fresh rosemary
sage
salt n pepper

Yes, I made up this recipe myself, Suzy Homemaker that I am. It cooked on high for three hours and was just delicious. Would have been nice with white beans, too, or some smoked turkey.

Also, biscuits… and… vanilla cream pie with a graham cracker crust for dessert. Homemade, for both.

(Told you — brain donor.)

‘night,

WM

Dear 13ers and Usual Suspects,

It’s SNOWING again right here in RIVER CITY! Portland, Ore., is not known for our many inches of snow. We are known for our many inches of rain. Snow = winter = making a big bowl of popcorn and watching movies.

Hockey God and I watched the film “Waitress” last night. Have you seen it? I rarely see movies in theaters anymore, it’s nothing but DVDs around here. It was just a great film — tragic and funny and goofy and moving, all in the right proportions. The DVD includes a featurette about the making of the film, and a sweet memorial to the late Adrienne Shelly, the film’s writer and director.

The movie’s theme of pies made me think of my late cousin, Travis, pie-lover extraordinaire. His famous quote: “I like any kind of pie. I like ’em all — pumpkin, lemon meringue, apple, cherry, blackberry, chocolate. One kind I don’t like, though. Cow Pie.” (We were at my grandparents’ dining room table at the time, looking out at the cattle grazing in the field.) I miss you, cuz. Just because, cuz. Here are my 13 favorites pies, plus some recipes:

1) Chocolate pie with a graham cracker crust.

2) Pumpkin pie with lots of cinnamon and whipped cream.

3) “I Can’t Have No Affair Because It’s Wrong and I Don’t Want Earl to Kill Me” Pie

Also known as: Vanilla Custard Meringue, Hold the Banana

INGREDIENTS

2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/3 cup brown sugar
½ cup melted butter
2 large eggs
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk, scalded*
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 banana, sliced, OPTIONAL

For meringue:
3 egg whites
1/4 cup granulated sugar

1. In a medium bowl, mix graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar and melted butter until well blended. Press crumb mixture into a 9-inch pan. Preheat oven to 375°F.

2. In a large bowl, beat eggs slightly. Add sugar and salt. Slowly stir in hot, scalded milk. Add vanilla. Strain the mixture into pie crust. If desired, add chunks of banana. Sprinkle the top with cinnamon.

3. Bake in a lower shelf of preheated oven for 25 to 30 minutes, or until set.

4. In a large glass mixing bowl, beat egg whites until foamy. Gradually add ¼ cup white sugar, continuing to beat until stiff peaks form.

5. Spread meringue over pie after custard is set, return to oven until meringue is slightly brown. Cool at least 15 minutes before cutting. Makes 8 servings.

*To scald milk, heat over low heat until small bubbles form around the edge of the pan; the temperature should read 180°-190°.

Now, where was I…

4. Apple pie with caramel topping.

5. My Grandma’s Apple Pie.

6. And her Cherry Pie.

7. And her Huckleberry Pie.

8. And her Pecan Pie. Dang, I’m hungry now. Here is her pie crust recipe. I wish you luck, because I’ve never been able to get it just right like she does, even though I’ve watched her make it enough times:

“I make pie crust from scratch. You’d have to watch me do it to get it right. It’s probably two cups flour, dash of salt, and shortening or lard. I used to use lard all the time, but it’s got more fat in it than Crisco. I don’t like the yellow Crisco, I like the white. Use a fork, break it up into crumbs. Have you a glass of ice water — and I mean ICE water, water with ICE in it. Pour a tablespoon or so in at a time — don’t dump a bunch in. The secret with pie crust is be quick. Don’t mess around, be quick with it or you won’t have a tender pie crust.”

9. I love, love, love the Blueberry Sour Cream Pie at Mom’s Cafe in Salina, Utah.

10. I will also settle for Coconut Cream Pie.

11. Or Peach Pie.

12. A nice Custard Pie will do.

13. But never, ever, ever Cow Pie.