I can’t wait to get into bed with my husband at night. No, really. I cannot wait.

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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Remember to tell your kids on this great American holiday, “It’s not playing fairsies to go to someone else’s home, grab all their stuff, claim you ‘discovered it,’ then force them out of the house and move in. Pilgrims were not playing nice, dig?”

And now, for the Thursday Thirteen!

THIRTEEN THINGS MY DAUGHTER AND NIECE WOULD LIKE ME AND MY SIS-IN-LAW TO AGREE TO:

1. Let us get our ears pierced when we’re nine.

2. Let us stay up late — ten o’clock — every night.

3. Let us go shopping every day after school.

4. Let us watch “Star Wars.”

5. Let us eat as much candy as we want.

6. Let us do no homework.

7. Buy us whatever we want.

8. Let us eat all of our Halloween candy in one day.

9. Buy us a limo and a driver to take us all around.

10. When we grow up you guys have to let us get a mansion, with a big swimming pool in the backyard and a little yellow kitten.

11. Let us live in Minnesota and go to Mall of America every day.

12. No school.

13. Let us have as many American Girl dolls as we want.

Do you stress? Yeah, me neither.

THIRTEEN THINGS I WISH I HADN’T STRESSED OUT ABOUT AS A NEW PARENT:

1) The babyproofing stage. I spaced out, didn’t get stuff baby-proofed as quickly as I should have, and chaos ensued. Now that my kids are 4 and 7, yeah, we really need all the baby-proofing I haven’t gotten rid of yet.

2) The talking. “When will she talk? What will her first word be? What if she never talks? Is there something wrong with my baby oh my gawwwwwwwwwd, wait. I think she just said ‘sock.'” Once they start talking they never stop. And once they learn to bitch at you, they never stop that, either. Then you’re thinking, “I wanted this kid to talk?”

Wacky Girl: “Why can’t I watch ‘Star Wars’? Everyone, everyone, everyone in my class has seen it. They said it is not even scary. I am too big for PBS Kids, it’s stupid. And you won’t let me watch ‘Monster House.’ And the Chucky movies. And ‘Scary Movie 3’ is supposed to be real good, but nooooo you won’t let me watch that. Or ‘Star Wars.'”

3) The nursing. It either works or it doesn’t. Bottles are fine, boobs are fine. The end.

4) The sleeping-through-the-night and the potty training. Eventually they deal.

5) Which brings us to… The projectile pooping and vomiting stage. It doesn’t last forever. Thank you, Jesus.

6) The trying-to-keep-up-with-the-Joneses phase. “Must go to playgroup. Must not miss music class again. Must go to park, even though I hate the park.” We all need to slow the hell down. My friends call me “Miss Chop-Chop” for a reason — I need to take my own advice.

7) Listening to idiots and letting them throw guilt on me like a big ol’ wet blanket. “Why doesn’t Mommy put a coat on you? You need a coat, tell Mommy.” Now I just smile and walk away. Quickly.

8) The trying to keep everyone happy phase — the husbands get along, the wives get along, the kids hate each other, but maybe they will learn to love each other? C’mon! Let’s all be happy, kids! If your kids say they don’t want to play with someone, listen to them.

9) I wouldn’t have argued with my husband so much over stupid little nothings those first few years — whether or not the baby should wear a hat, whether or not it was too cold to hike, whether or not we should let ourselves get roped into going to something that at least one of us really didn’t want to go to. Let it all just roll, y’know? It works better, in the long run.

10) Messes. Specifically, fingerpaints, glitter, sand tables, water stations. Just bring extra clothes and let the kids go for it.

11) Snacks, as in, it is not that hard to pack a snack. (I still stress out over this — so busy getting shoes and coats on and finding my car keys that I forget apple slices, peanut butter crackers and a bottle of water.) Remember them, and the wet wipes, and prevent melt-downs. Dum-Dums are a fine snack, bring 12. Plus they can’t bitch at you with a lollipop in the pie-hole.

12) Playdates. I thought my kids should have loads o’ playdates. Their little friends bring over germs. The friends leave, the germs stay, Mommy gets bronchitis. I would slash our playdate schedule in half if I could do it over again.

13) It’s really true that the years fly by. It doesn’t feel like it, zero-24 months, but after that? Zoom. They won’t love Elmo forever. But they will develop an affection for Chucky that will concern you.

Hello, Thursday Thirteeners. How about my Thirteen Favorite Movie Scenes, ever? And awaaaaaaaaaay we go!

1) “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” when Audrey Hepburn yells “Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” as the big drunk lady topples.

2) “Slapshot” — how to choose just one? Top favorite: Paul Newman: “That’s great. Why should she give a shit what people think? She’s just scrappin’.” Second favorite scene: when the team’s manager asks Paul Newman: “Reg! Do you see this quarter? It used to be a nickel. Now, the golden years are behind you.” (Does that line make any damn sense? It does not.)

3) “An Officer and a Gentleman,” when he carries her out of the stinkin’ factory.

4) When Ruth Gordon goes careening around in the hearse in “Harold and Maude,” and doesn’t know it’s Harold’s car that she’s stolen until he tells her.

5) In “The Night of the Hunter,” when the old lady, played by Lillian Gish, is sitting in the rocking chair, guarding the children with a shotgun — “It’s a hard world for little things.”

6) “The Last Waltz,” when Robbie Robertson and Rick Danko start craning their necks around, looking for the birds, while Neil Young sings, “…big birds flying/across the sky…” And Joni Mitchell singing, “Coyote” — “Now he’s got a woman at home/He’s got another woman down the hall/He seems to want me anyway…”

7) “Yours, Mine and Ours,” the original, when Lucille Ball gets so drunk she can’t stand up.

8) “The Crow,” when the lovers are reunited.

9) Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby having a sandwich together in the middle of the night in “White Christmas.”

10) When Jimmy Stewart flips out (“Why do we have to have all these kids?”) in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and in the end, with Zuzu’s petals. And the angels getting their wings. And his wife and family and friends love him so much. He didn’t know! How could he not know? Get me a tissue, would you?

11) “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” everytime Elizabeth Taylor walks in the room. Meow…

12) …and “Giant,” everytime James Dean walks up. Grrrrrr…

13) And, last but not least, “The Aristocats,” when Duchess and O’Malley first meet. Oh, love. Don’t you love love?

For my Thursday Thirteen I present…

THIRTEEN THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO THIS WINTER

13. More bubble baths, with candles, bath fizzies and soft music.

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Thirteen Things Bosses Have Said To Me:

1. I could really use a blowjob.

2. If I was a little bit younger, I’d chase you around the block.

3. While you’re on vacation, I want you to think about all the mistakes you’ve been making at work and have a different attitude when you get back.

4. The other editors and I have talked, and we think you need to see a therapist.

5. I know I told the agency I needed you to answer the phone, but I really need you to do my books.

6. You’re working the fifteen-hour sale tonight by yourself. Hope your first day is going well!

7. You’re fired because I’m tired of hearing Susie bitch about you. (This was from blowjob guy. Do you think I blew him to keep the job? Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha…)

8. If I told you that was a nice blouse, would you consider that sexual harrassment?

9. I wish I was you.

10. Can you call all my friends to get them to RSVP for my party?

11. I think after you’ve been doing data entry for awhile you’ll get a real fire in your belly for it.

12. We hired too many people so now I have to fire half of you. Sorry. Happy Thanksgiving.

13. Babe, if you married me, on our honeymoon I’d cover your whole body with bean dip and guacamole and eat it up with chips.

Happy Thursday Thirteen, everyone!

Here’s what we’re doing today. Yay, walking! Yay, biking! Yay, not getting run over by cars, trucks and vans because there are so many of us.

More later…

WM

It’s later. Our walk was such a blast — Hockey God went with us, and a bunch of the neighbor kids, and there were treats and prizes for everyone once we got to school. About half the kids at school participated — coooooooooool!

I’m writing my Thursday Thirteen early because I have too much going on in the next couple of days! Just for you, I have my best excuses, followed by my best reasons, for walking the kids to school. (In honor of International Walk and Bike to School Day.)

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For my Thursday Thirteen I present:

THIRTEEN THINGS MY GRANDMA LIKES TO SAY (over and over and over…)

13. “Depressed my ass! She needs to clean her house!”

12. “Who do you think you are, Little Miss Astor Butt?”

11. “Get on down here to dinner or I’m throwing it out.”

10. “Elvis. That poor boy just had too much too fast.”

9. “Patsy. Ol’ Patsy had her a hard life.”

8. “How are you, sugar?”

7. “Bacon! I love bacon. It is my downfall. But I’ve had to cut back — I only eat it every other day now.”

6. “Randy Travis — your grandpa just loved Randy Travis.”

5. “I made you some of that Ambrosia that you like so much.”

4. “I made your husband some of those Ranger Cookies that he likes so much.”

3. “Now I grew up during the Depression. I do not throw things away, like plastic bags. Your aunt always throws away plastic bags. And shops at Nordstrom. She refuses to shop anywhere but Nordstrom.”

2. “I do not drink. Not even a sip. But I do put wine in my fruitcake.”

1. “Men are like streetcars — there’s another one along every fifteen minutes. Miss one, catch the next.”

For the Thursday Thirteen, MY THIRTEEN FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT BEING A MOM

(This one is so easy now that they’re both in school. Up until last week it would have been “My Thirteen Least Favorite Things…” Heh heh.)

13. My kids are delicious. I inhale them all the time.

12. I love that they know how to dress themselves now.

11. I adore working in the yard with them and teaching them all the names of the plants.

10. On the walk to and from school we talk and talk and talk…

9. When I put on Sly & the Family Stone or the Chieftains or any good dance music and we dance all around the house.

8. Even though they’re not always good for me, they’re generally good for everyone else — grandparents, friends, teachers, relatives. And that’s what you want out of parenting, after the day is done.

7. They both love to read and be read to. Right now Wacky Boy is enthralled with Stuart Little and the McDuff books; Wacky Girl is reading all 100-plus of the Boxcar Children mysteries.

6. I love how much my husband loves being a father. I always knew he would be a great dad, but he just becomes a better one every day.

5. The way both kids come into the kitchen and say, “What are you baking? It smells delicious!” whenever there are cookies in the oven. (WG trained WB to say this because she knows I love it and thus will keep churning out the cookies.)

4. Watching them play and make up crazy-funny little voices and stories while they’re setting up a demolition derby, or a zoo, or the dolls.

3. Every age that they’re at is my “favorite” age so far.

2. I love writing stories with them on the computer. WB has a wild one he’s working on right now — “Swamp Frog Bob.” I’ll type up the chapters, his sister will illustrate them and voila! Christmas presents for all our friends and family! He’s on chapter five already. It’s called, “Want to Swim?”

1. No matter how frustrated I get, all I have to do is think back to the magical days they were born in April and September, and the first time I laid eyes on each of them, and it’s all better.

Hello, hello,

I swore I wasn’t doing the Thursday Thirteen this week. School started today, soccer starts Friday, we’re so busy (and stupid, duh hey) that we completely forgot to take Wacky Girl to her ice skating lesson tonight. Wacky Boy keeps screaming, “I WILL NOT GO TO PRESCHOOL. I WILL NOT” on the half-hour. He’s adorable, no? (Preschool doesn’t start until next week. I am counting the hours. I will have three hours to myself, five days a week. Jealous much?)

Hockey God decided to tell the preschool teacher that our son is a biter.

Yes, Internet, the truth is out. Our son bites. And punches, claws, pulls hair, pinches — the cat is out of the bag. And WB was probably the one to put him there in the first place.

I blurted out, “Just family! He doesn’t bite strangers!” Which is true, so far. But I think this may change next week once he’s in class with 21 other pre-k’s who may possibly not color-code the blocks and line them up by size the way he likes them. His frequent complaint about other kids: “They’re playing wrong.”

Here’s another Q & A with myself, followed by my Thursday Thirteen.

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