(from April 18th, 2006… I can’t find this in the archives, so here it is again, with comments attached.)

Really, need I say more? I don’t think so. I think the hedder suffices. But if your need to know is pressing, like the concrete backer board that was pressing against my legs this morning, here you…

There was a school district/neighborhood summit over at Humboldt Elementary last night. First the mucky-mucks from the district bored the shit out of us with yet another PowerPoint demo. (What is it with the People in Charge and their love for PowerPoint?) Really, this was their first mistake. Because people are affected by PowerPoint in one of three ways 1) They assume it will give them Power! And more Power! And they ride the fucking six pack, to quote, who? Green River? Yes! (Or “Something!” as Wacky Girl would say 2) They are bored to sleep 3) They get pissed off and the tension in the room grows. 3) Is what happened last night.

So the district is all it’ll be great! Humboldt has high test scores! Ockley Green (the school where Humboldt students would transfer) has low scores! You can help! No, it’s soooooooo not because this is a poor neighborhood. No, nothing to do with race. It’ll be fantastic, just wait!

And the House said: No. Not amen. No. No, no, no. We don’t like the adult porn store right across the street from OG. We don’t like our kids having to walk a long, long ways to get to school. We don’t like having to drive them to OG when they can walk to Humboldt. We don’t like being told what to do. No, no, no. Everyone went nuts. It is an interesting night when Wacky Mommy is the calmest person in the room. And we were on the 11 o’clock news, so that was cool. Take that, school district.

My favorite speaker of the evening was the Humboldt student, a young man, who said, All I can say now is that you guys are doing something really stupid. Period. Which of course made everyone cheer and stamp their feet.

Now today, the contractor arrives. Not the one who needs to finish repairing the floor. Mister “I needed an eight-foot board and they only cut me seven-and-a-half. I’ll be back. Or someone will. I’ll call the supervisor and he can call your husband.” No, it wasn’t the floor guy. It was the tile guy, with a delivery.

He stacked boxes of tiles, bags of Versabond, plastic sheeting, caulk, all this shit in my office. But they can’t do the tile, see, until the floor guy is done. But I’m being open-minded and all. I’m thinking, The tile, she is here! But what to do with the backer board? The guy stacks it on the front porch, tells us, If it rains it’ll need to be covered with a tarp, or it’ll get ruined, then leaves.

It rains a lot here.

He left the tarp on the table on the front porch. Can you see where this is going? I’m thinking, It’s sunny — it’s not going to rain — followed by, This is Portland, Oregon. The only time it doesn’t rain here is July 15 through Sept. 22. Roughly. So I throw the tarp over the shit (nine fucking heavy ugly concrete backer boards) and am tucking it in around the edges when it topples. On my legs. Pinning me. Turns out he had them propped Way Too Vertical. Fucking asshole idiot contractor.

Yet here I am, writing. Do you believe in miracles? Yes! No, I don’t, not so much. But I do believe in Roadmaster Trikes, cuz that’s what the boards landed on, thus saving me from the life of a parapalegic. It torqued the seat but didn’t crush it. This is the power of Roadmaster. Jesus God, your life really does flash before your eyes, it’s true. I yelled for the neighbor (not the Naked One, she wasn’t home. The Nasty One on the other side, whose house is closer) and she came over and helped me extricate myself. This makes her the Not-So-Nasty-Neighbor, no?).

Then I called, in order, the contractors, You frickin’ need to finish the bathroom right now. My legs were almost crushed. And bring my kid a new trike, ya idiot; my best friend Zip, who said, Jesus, what if it had been one of the kids? which made me cry harder, because of course that thought was already going through my head over and over and over and over; and Hockey God, who said, Did they get broken? (referring to the backer boards, not my legs, thus prompting me to hang up on him).

He realized the severity of the incident when the contractors actually called him before he had a call in to them, saying something like, Guy is on his way out, sorry we almost killed your wife, or something.

Prompting him to call me, without being asked, and asking me, Are your legs OK?

They’re OK. Thanks for asking. And thank God it wasn’t one of the kids.

2 Comments
1. edj says: I wanted to say something witty, but really, I’m just so glad you’re ok! But I have to say, will you stop at nothing to get your floor finished?

2. Heather says: Dang! I am so glad you are ok! And thank God and the Baby Jesus that it was not one of the kids although I certainly would have preferred not you either! Oh, and the whole Jefferson cluster thing just makes me throw up my hands in the air *what-are-they-thinking*! — Hugs, Heather

It’s been awhile since the Honey Bucket Brigade was here, it’s been even longer since I’ve had a run-in with Nasty Neighbor. But most noticeably, I’ve almost forgotten about this incident. (Almost, but not completely.)

Which is why tomorrow a.m. Nice Painter Guy starts to work here. We’re ready for some more remodelin’ action around here, and hopefully no damages to bodies or properties or occur. He will paint the living room, dining room, hallway, and two of the bedrooms (ours and Wacky Boy’s). (No, he is not Stupid Bastard Painter — we never saw him again after he stomped off.)

Colors? I couldn’t decide on colors, so we’re doing everything off-white. Off-white is just fine. We might sell the house sometime, remember? Or we might not. Mallory’s right. I’m ambivalent as hell.

(PS — What does it say about me that there are way more posts about remodeling than sex?)

Working, not working, interviewing, not interviewing — trying to figure it all out is always a puzzle over here. So I said to myself, Self, this is not going to work. I know you had your heart set on this Getting the Career Going Again thing and all, but give up.

The time, sister, is not right.

So I called the nice man who sent me the nice letter, requesting that I apply for this job, and I gave my regrets. He said he understood, and he was awfully sorry. Then the next day I called back and said, Any chance I can change my mind on that? And he said he understood, and fit me right in.

The interview was this morning. I got there 15 minutes early, dressed all spiffy, checked in with the receptionist, who gave me a list of Five Extremely Tricky Questions. I spent the next 15 minutes writing and revising my answers. Then I waited. And waited some more.

The problem was… while the receptionist had my name on her list, the supervisors who were supposed to interview me did not have my name on their list. So they interviewed the person right before me and left me sitting. And sitting. And sitting. Until finally the receptionist, who was just a sweetie, said, “Oh! You’re still here!” and was nice enough to call up the supervisors.

Who had left for lunch.

So she fit me into a later slot, and told me to come back at 1. (My original appointment was for 11:30.)

Have you guessed it yet? It’s a government job. So I went and grabbed lunch, came back, nailed the interview, called the temp job (also a government job) to tell them sorry, I would not be in for the afternoon, picked up the kids and came home.

We filled up the wading pool. I hung out the laundry and felt content. I may have had a glass of pinot grigio. Knowing that week after next (fast, by government standards) I will know whether or not I have a brand new job. Wish me luck, would you?

“Rhodsie said, ‘Well, you’ve got the world by the tail now. You’re all healthy and Betty’s got a job with the Government. Government jobs are awful good for women. You get sick leave and annual leave and you can cash your checks anywhere.'”

— from “Anybody Can Do Anything”
Betty MacDonald

Dear 13ers,

Look at me!!! Look at me now, please. (Jumping up and down.) Thank you for stopping by.

Dear Regulars,

Howdy. You’re pretty. Did you bring me a cappucino?

Love,

WM

13 Little Prayers

1) “Better than a hundred years lived in ignorance,
without contemplation, is one single day of life
lived in wisdom and in deep contemplation.
Better than a hundred years lived in idleness and in
weakness is a single day of life lived with courage
and powerful striving.
Better than a hundred years not considering how all
things arise and pass away is one single day of life
if one considers how all things arise and pass
away.
Better than a hundred years not seeing one’s own
immortality is one single day of life if one sees
one’s own immortality.”

— the Dhammapada

2) “Night is drawing nigh.
For all that has been –
Thanks!
For all that shall be –
Yes!”

— Dag Hammarskjold

3) “It is prayer that restores to
us the ability to feel, to see,
and to appreciate.”

— Reuven Hammer

4) “i thank you God for most this
amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of
trees
and for a blue tree dream of sky;and
for everything
which is natural which is infinite
which is yes”

— ee cummings

5) “Like a gold beacon signaling
on a moonless night,
Tao guides our passage through this
transitory realm.
In moments of darkness and pain
remember all is cyclical.
Sit quietly behind; your wooden
door:
Spring will come again.”

— Loy Ching Yuen

6) “Earth our mother, breathe forth life
all night sleeping
now awaking
in the east
now see the dawn

Earth our mother, breathe and waken
leaves are stirring
all things moving
new day coming
life renewing.”

— Pawnee prayer

7) “Bless
something small
but infinite
and quiet.

There are senses
make an object
in their simple
feeling for one.”

— “A Prayer”
Robert Creeley

8) “This ritual is one.
The food is one.
We who offer the food are one.
The fire of hunger is also one.
All action is one.
We who understand this are one.”

— Ancient Hindu blessing

9) “ Prayer is for the soul, what
food is for the body. The
blessing of one prayer lasts
until the next, just as the
strength gained from one
meal lasts till the one after.”

— Jewish prayer

10) “But give me the strength that
waits upon You in silence and
peace. Give me humility in which
alone is rest, and deliver me from
pride which is the heaviest of
burdens.”

— Thomas Merton

12) “The most powerful prayer, one
well nigh omnipotent, and the
worthiest work of all is the
outcome of a quiet mind.”

— Meister Eckhart

13) “It’s fun to have fun/
but you have to know how.”

— “The Cat in the Hat”
Dr. Seuss

I found this list (from six weeks ago, now) in my purse. Please, Jeebus, let our house never get infested again. (Treating lice and planning a birthday party for my sister. What a woman.) (more…)

WB: “Mommy, get off the computer and get all the stuffed animals down! Guess what, Mommy? You’ve been on the computer for three hours. Or maybe even two. Oh, owwwwwwwwww… Also, that is very bad. Because mommies are not a-supposed to do that.”

WG: “Yeah.”

WB: “Yeah, really. Oooooooooooh, noooooooooooooo. Yay, good she’s getting the stuffed animals down.” (They live in a net, suspended in his room.)

WG ;) Ha ha!!

WB: (leaves the room to build a stuffed animal trap in his room)

(WM says: We’re home today. Little virus, both kids have had low-grade fevers. Why did I ever go back to work? This is so much more fun. I’m only sorta kidding.)

WG (shaking her maracas): “I wrote that! The wink and the ha ha! I like staying home. Ha hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaiiii.”

WM: “Anything else?”

WB (re-enters the room wearing a stuffed blue dinosaur hat on his head): “Nope.”

WG: “No way, Jose.”

Wacky Family, out.

Reviewed today:

“Varieties of Disturbance: Stories” by Lydia Davis

“The Dangerous Book for Boys” by Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden

“For the Love of Letters: A 21st-Century Guide to the Art of Letter Writing” by Samara O’Shea

Dragonology: The Complete Book of Dragons (Ologies) by Ernest Drake and Dugald Steer

“Anybody Can Do Anything” by Betty MacDonald

“Behind the Scenes at the Museum” by Kate Atkinson

(more…)

A few links, and a recipe, because I think you need ’em. Also a tiny bit of advice.

Love,

WM

For the kiddies:
Eloise — “I am a city child/I live at the Plaza.”
The World’s Youngest Blogger
Nancy Drew

From my kids’ wish lists:

Wacky Girl: 1) big house 2) big screen TV 3) lifetime supply of candy

Wacky Boy: 1) big house with a swamp in his room 2) a pen with 200 gallons of ink so it wouldn’t run out of ink

For breakfast this weekend:
from J’s thoughts and musings:

Company French Toast

1 ½ Sticks Butter
6 Eggs
1 ½ tsp. Cinnamon
2 cups Milk
1 ½ cup Brown Sugar
Syrup
*White Bread (Pepperidge Farm Toasting)

Melt butter in bottom of 9×13 casserole dish.
Add brown sugar and cinnamon: Mix and spread on bottom
Cut Crust off bread (personal choice here….) and layer bread 2 slices deep.

In separate bowl:
Beat together eggs and milk
Pour mixture over bread in casserole dish
Cover and refrigerate overnight

Bake uncovered 30-40 minutes in 350º
Drizzle maple syrup and broil until brown and bubbly.
Broil for 5 minutes or less.

*Note: The Canadian White bread is just as good as the Pepperidge Farm bread.

for you foodies:
The Smitten Kitchen
Ms. Dorie
Epicurious
and one just for the kids

Throw caution to the wind! Go bake a cake or make a vegetable dip or something. Cheese straws, perhaps.

For you gardeners… Were you aware that Miracle-Gro is now making an Organic Choice formula? Will wonders never cease?
Gardening With Lil Children
Rough Terrain
The Edible Schoolyard

(And for those of you needing to de-stress…)
Just Bubbles
Sex Tips for the Rest of Us (wherein women’s breasts do not bob up at top of website, thank you!)
…and last, but certainly not least, we have “Lock the Bedroom Door.” All I can say is — whoa.

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Losing Hope

Dear Hope,

Yes. Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing date, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it’s you girl and you should know it! With each glance and every little movement you show it… Love is all around, no need to waste it…

No, jeez, of course you can’t have it all, and thank God for small favors because what would you do with it all once you got it? But you can have 1) Grey’s Anatomy re-runs 2) Bosom Buddies on DVD 3) some flowers to watch grow 4) that next breath you inhale. And that, for tonight, is enough.

Love,

WM

Thirteeners! It’s still Thursday, if my calendar is right. I am not too late to post. I am short on time, however, as my husband just left for a baseball game with his buddy, leaving me in charge of bedtime for two small children.

It’s a shocker, really, having to put my own kids to bed. But since I’ve started back to work (it feels so weird to type that), he’s been totally responsible for getting them out the door in the morning. So it’s only fair.

Here ya go: 13 Things I’d Blog About Right Now if I Could Grab a Minute (or Ten). (And no links, cuz no time. Sorry.)

1) My love for General Hospital and Land of the Lost and their weird correlation in my head.

2) A treatise on the magic of duct tape.

3) Teen Parenthood: Why It’s a Great Idea, as written by frazzled 42-year-old housewife. Oops, working outside of the home wife.

4) My new schedule and why it rocks! (Except for mid-afternoon, when I can barely keep my eyes open cuz I get up so early now. And once we get home, when I survey the chaos around me. Don’t forget the immortal words of Erma Bombeck: It takes wet laundry three days to mold.) How in spite of all this… I love working. I love earning my own money. I love getting a break. I love being around people who don’t chant SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS spongebob square pants SPONGE BOB! SQUARE PANTS! all. frickin’. day. long.

5) Dress codes. My office has one and the kids’ school does not. Q&A with myself.

6) Potatoes! Corn! Hollyhocks! And all the wonders of my garden and yard. A photo essay.

7) How I bit my tongue and didn’t scream, “TAKE HER BACK TO THE POUND! QUICK! NOW!!!! BEFORE YOU GET MORE ATTACHED TO HER!” when my co-worker described her sweet lil black Lab pup. Aren’t Labs the best? So well-behaved! Except for when she tore out her stitches after surgery. And destroyed the flower bed. And how she keeps them up all night, because she’s lonely. I just showed her a picture of Wacky Dog and smiled.

8) My husband’s beloved Buffalo Sabres. Will they bite the dust in the series?

9) My intrigue with the book “The Feminine Mistake,” by Leslie Bennetts. Can I blog about it without stoking the fires of the Mommy Wars? Yes, I believe I can.

10) Lice. Are we shut of them for good, pray tell?

11) Kids. Why I’m Thrilled I Have Two and Not More. Would include a sidebar: Must every conversation include one of the following: Butts, underwear (their own and other people’s), people’s butts being set on fire, people who can set other people’s butts on fire, poop, pee, farting, booties, how they are Lords of the Buttfire? (I just read that paragraph aloud to them and they literally crashed onto the floor laughing.)

12) Summer plans. Including a discussion of why I won’t be able to hang out laundry because neighbor’s cherry tree is insane out of control. Includes a brief re-cap of the discussion I had with my tree guy, who advised that we move rather than mess with this tree. Sidebar: Will we ever move? An update.

13) My inability to plan ahead.

Happy Thursday, everyone.

WM

I’d like to say that I got up earlier than usual, just so I could post, but that would be a lie. I’m running late. I haven’t had my coffee. But I know when I go to read my favorite blogs and they haven’t updated, I get grouchy. Grouchy! How lame is that, to let the Information Superhighway dictate your moods? Y’all are great writers and photographers — I need my fix of your art. Oh, yeah — you’re great moms, too. But today, that is third on the list of your accomplishments.

* We’re still planning on moving to Iowa. No job offers yet. In the meantime, maybe I should… (more…)