Thursday Thirteen #80: Thirteen Reasons Portland Is Lousy
Do you love Portland, Oregon? I do not.
For my Thursday Thirteen, and for my husband, I present:
THIRTEEN REASONS PORTLAND IS LOUSY
1. Lousy rain. Nine months out of the year it rains. That’s as if, say, you got pregnant and it RAINED THE ENTIRE TIME. Now do you see what I mean? No wonder snow looks appealing to me. (I hear a chorus of voices chanting, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.” To you I say, cheerily, “Stay dry!”)
2. Lousy mold and mildew that go hand-in-hand with rain. Lousy bronchitis, asthma and sinus problems that go hand-in-hand with mold and mildew.
3. Lousy schools because of lousy tax structure/property tax fiascos.
4. Lousy lack of American Girl shops. (Wacky Girl’s complaint. She has already mentioned — several times — that Chicago has an American Girl shop. FYI. Cuz Iowa City is three hours from Chicago.) Also, lousy lack of kids on our block, and for several blocks around us. Also, lousy school transfer system that makes it super-easy to transfer out of your neighborhood school (we did). Thus, none of the neighborhood kids know each other, because no one goes to school together.
5. Lousy idiots: Libertarians (“The government needs to cut the fat!”), Republicans (“Fewer taxes for big business = Oregon Good!”), Democrats (“Oh. Geez. No, I don’t want to make anyone mad by asking for, uh, anything. I’ll just shut up now.”), Stinkin’ Dirty Hippies (“If you and Hockey God? Want to have kids? That’s cool and all, but I don’t think I should have to, y’know, pay for them with my taxes? I mean, I’m cool! It’s all good, right? It’s not that I don’t like kids…”), Stinkin’ Oregon Trail Pioneers (who didn’t actually COME OUT HERE ON THE OREGON TRAIL, MIND YOU, but act as if they did, thus: “My family pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and I don’t see why I should goddamn help you just because you can’t figure out how to find your ass with both hands.”)
6. Lousy lack of air-conditioning in most houses and numerous buildings here. People, it is true that in the “olden days” it was only warm here two or three days a year, but summers are frickin’ hot now. Once the monsoon season is over, that is.
7. Lousy frickin’ drug houses, frickin’ off-leash pitbulls, shepherds, boxers and various other breeds of dogs, frickin’ idiots who won’t stop meth production and leash their dogs. (Which is of more importance to me? I do not know. They both bug me equally. Both bite.)
8. Lousy service in every restaurant in town, except for a handful of the high-end places.
9. Lousy drivers and lousy, horrible traffic.
10. Lousy expensive houses. (Really shouldn’t include this one, because I want to cash out and blow. So I say, “Expensive houses good! Give me some money!”)
11. Lousy ocean that is too cold to swim in. Lousy traffic from the lousy casinos, to and from the coast. Lousy car wrecks up and down coast highway.
12. Lousy general lack of community and caring. Believe it or not, I am seen as one of the more caring members of our community. Yeah, I thought that was funny, too.
13. Lousy history of racism that goes back decades and continues here to this day, although people try to hush it up. Have had it with Portland.
, 
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