Do you stress? Yeah, me neither.

THIRTEEN THINGS I WISH I HADN’T STRESSED OUT ABOUT AS A NEW PARENT:

1) The babyproofing stage. I spaced out, didn’t get stuff baby-proofed as quickly as I should have, and chaos ensued. Now that my kids are 4 and 7, yeah, we really need all the baby-proofing I haven’t gotten rid of yet.

2) The talking. “When will she talk? What will her first word be? What if she never talks? Is there something wrong with my baby oh my gawwwwwwwwwd, wait. I think she just said ‘sock.'” Once they start talking they never stop. And once they learn to bitch at you, they never stop that, either. Then you’re thinking, “I wanted this kid to talk?”

Wacky Girl: “Why can’t I watch ‘Star Wars’? Everyone, everyone, everyone in my class has seen it. They said it is not even scary. I am too big for PBS Kids, it’s stupid. And you won’t let me watch ‘Monster House.’ And the Chucky movies. And ‘Scary Movie 3’ is supposed to be real good, but nooooo you won’t let me watch that. Or ‘Star Wars.'”

3) The nursing. It either works or it doesn’t. Bottles are fine, boobs are fine. The end.

4) The sleeping-through-the-night and the potty training. Eventually they deal.

5) Which brings us to… The projectile pooping and vomiting stage. It doesn’t last forever. Thank you, Jesus.

6) The trying-to-keep-up-with-the-Joneses phase. “Must go to playgroup. Must not miss music class again. Must go to park, even though I hate the park.” We all need to slow the hell down. My friends call me “Miss Chop-Chop” for a reason — I need to take my own advice.

7) Listening to idiots and letting them throw guilt on me like a big ol’ wet blanket. “Why doesn’t Mommy put a coat on you? You need a coat, tell Mommy.” Now I just smile and walk away. Quickly.

8) The trying to keep everyone happy phase — the husbands get along, the wives get along, the kids hate each other, but maybe they will learn to love each other? C’mon! Let’s all be happy, kids! If your kids say they don’t want to play with someone, listen to them.

9) I wouldn’t have argued with my husband so much over stupid little nothings those first few years — whether or not the baby should wear a hat, whether or not it was too cold to hike, whether or not we should let ourselves get roped into going to something that at least one of us really didn’t want to go to. Let it all just roll, y’know? It works better, in the long run.

10) Messes. Specifically, fingerpaints, glitter, sand tables, water stations. Just bring extra clothes and let the kids go for it.

11) Snacks, as in, it is not that hard to pack a snack. (I still stress out over this — so busy getting shoes and coats on and finding my car keys that I forget apple slices, peanut butter crackers and a bottle of water.) Remember them, and the wet wipes, and prevent melt-downs. Dum-Dums are a fine snack, bring 12. Plus they can’t bitch at you with a lollipop in the pie-hole.

12) Playdates. I thought my kids should have loads o’ playdates. Their little friends bring over germs. The friends leave, the germs stay, Mommy gets bronchitis. I would slash our playdate schedule in half if I could do it over again.

13) It’s really true that the years fly by. It doesn’t feel like it, zero-24 months, but after that? Zoom. They won’t love Elmo forever. But they will develop an affection for Chucky that will concern you.

From Jenny at Mama Drama:

Breaking news, people! Scientists have proven that most mothers don’t get enough sleep.

Proving that most moms don’t get enough sleep is like proving that men dislike having their testicles kicked repeatedly with a boot, or that the majority of Americans aren’t afraid of rainbows.

Go read her whole post, it’s funny.

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Yes, I’m talking to you. Come over here. Get your bootah off the computah.

Back from break… Wacky Mommy, Superhero, to the rescue…

(A disclaimer: I am not a trained medical or mental health professional and this column is for entertainment purposes only. If and when necessary, please consult your physician or analyst.)

Dear Wacky Mommy:

My daughter’s swim meet was yesterday, and all of the parents were pretty much on their best behavior, except one mother, who was RUDE as hell to almost everyone. She literally threw the stop watch at my husband when it was his turn to time. She also had on Levis that were TOO low for her fat arse. Her big butt crack was hanging out all day. “EWWW!” “GROSS!” ….just a few of the words I heard from some of the swimmers.

What is the best way to handle parents like these?

Signed,

Team Mom

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People are assholes. Not you, obviously. But in general? Assholes.

Peace,

Love,

WM

10/31 Edited to say: Happy Halloween, everyone! Still on vacation from blogging, but wanted to wish you happy holidays. For me, Halloween, not Thanksgiving, is the beginning of the holiday season, so bring on the fudge and eggnog, dammit. We’re going as a devil, a surgeon, an angel and a fairy princess. Who’s who, do you think? I’ll re-open comments in case you want to guess. We’re handing out little containers of Play-Doh (even to the big kids), Reese’s, M&M’s and whatever Costco candy I haven’t already eaten.

Thank you for your kind e-mails, especially the ones regarding your obsession with my past usage of the word “dork” as a nickname for “penis.” Who knew people were writing so many research papers and erotic novels about this? It warms my heart, really. The cockles of it.

From a reader:
Dork
(1) Noun. Someone who is not cool. ie. “Bill Gates is a real dork.”
(2) Noun. A penis. ie. “Stop playing with your dork and get out here.”

Dude
(1) Noun. Someone who is cool. The opposite of a dork.
(2) Excl. A greeting. Used with a close friend that is considered cool. ie. “Dude!” Origins of this context word can be traced to California. It was originally used in reference to a horse’s penis.

I’m sort of re-thinking what I want to write about here and how, after this situation.

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Hello, Thursday Thirteeners. How about my Thirteen Favorite Movie Scenes, ever? And awaaaaaaaaaay we go!

1) “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” when Audrey Hepburn yells “Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” as the big drunk lady topples.

2) “Slapshot” — how to choose just one? Top favorite: Paul Newman: “That’s great. Why should she give a shit what people think? She’s just scrappin’.” Second favorite scene: when the team’s manager asks Paul Newman: “Reg! Do you see this quarter? It used to be a nickel. Now, the golden years are behind you.” (Does that line make any damn sense? It does not.)

3) “An Officer and a Gentleman,” when he carries her out of the stinkin’ factory.

4) When Ruth Gordon goes careening around in the hearse in “Harold and Maude,” and doesn’t know it’s Harold’s car that she’s stolen until he tells her.

5) In “The Night of the Hunter,” when the old lady, played by Lillian Gish, is sitting in the rocking chair, guarding the children with a shotgun — “It’s a hard world for little things.”

6) “The Last Waltz,” when Robbie Robertson and Rick Danko start craning their necks around, looking for the birds, while Neil Young sings, “…big birds flying/across the sky…” And Joni Mitchell singing, “Coyote” — “Now he’s got a woman at home/He’s got another woman down the hall/He seems to want me anyway…”

7) “Yours, Mine and Ours,” the original, when Lucille Ball gets so drunk she can’t stand up.

8) “The Crow,” when the lovers are reunited.

9) Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby having a sandwich together in the middle of the night in “White Christmas.”

10) When Jimmy Stewart flips out (“Why do we have to have all these kids?”) in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and in the end, with Zuzu’s petals. And the angels getting their wings. And his wife and family and friends love him so much. He didn’t know! How could he not know? Get me a tissue, would you?

11) “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” everytime Elizabeth Taylor walks in the room. Meow…

12) …and “Giant,” everytime James Dean walks up. Grrrrrr…

13) And, last but not least, “The Aristocats,” when Duchess and O’Malley first meet. Oh, love. Don’t you love love?

The dog is an assclown.

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Because nothing says “Tuesday” like a Gandhi quote:

“Seven blunders of the world that lead to violence: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle.”

— Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

No recipes today, sorry. But here is a good article for you to read:

Rosie O’D on The View, by one Melanie McFarland.

It’s a good article. But I’m wondering, why are they (the network execs) not offering us our own TV show? We are coffee-klatching like crazy here. Can you imagine a roundtable with Our Lady of Amalah, Dooce, Zoot, and Rockstar Mommy? Round it out with an international perspective from Planet Nomad and a fiction writer like Leslie Gould (mom of four, military wife, active in community and still finds time to do her art). I could bring everyone coffee; I choke on-camera. Also, I develop nervous tics, or I stare at the red light like Cindy Brady.

Anyway — splendid idea, no? I guess physically getting everyone in the same room would present a little bit of a challenge.

It’s raining here. How is it there?

Some of you reportedly think I am Supermom of Universe. I would like to say something here — You are on glue.

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From last night’s episode:

Earl: “Van Halen started with two brothers. We could be Van Hickey! And Ralph.”

Ralph: “I bet if we played with real instruments, we could have sex with real girls! Yeah, rock ‘n’ roll, honey!”