Dear Wacky Mommy,

How do I get people to stop assuming that because I am a first-time mom, I am an ijit? My IQ did not go down just because I got knocked up.

Signed,

Smarter Than You Think

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Dammit I want some pasta with a mushroom sauce right now. Pasta Bangs? (It’s my favorite pasta place, over on N. Mississippi. She’s got a Jamie Oliver deal going, with street kids working for her. She’s very hep, Ms. Polly Bangs. Go give her some business, if you’re in Portland, Ore.)

Any questions for the Friday Advice column? Remodeling help, breastfeeding tips, sexpert advice, we do it all here…

Hello, hello from Wacky House. I would like to thank my sexy smart husband for redesigning my blog. So sweet, so pretty, so unlike me and my surly self. Hope you enjoy it. We’re having a sunshine day here in Portland, can you dig it?

It’s supposed to be nice all week. About time. And the mushroom-infested bathroom at Wacky House? Did I already mention this? We have curly-edged yellowish mushrooms sprouting out from between the shower stall and the wall, creeping up and out from where the wall meets the floor. Nice. Water has been leaking inside the stall, apparently. No, you probably shouldn’t eat the mushrooms, they’re “isgusting,” as one of my friend’s kids says. Good news is that homeowners’ insurance is covering some of it. Bad news is we can’t use the shower and who knows when it’ll be fixed. This month? I hope. We do have a tub in the other bathroom so that’s cool. Creepage, seepage, too much water! So the sunshine, and the contractors, are a sight for sore eyes. And our neighbors are giving us shower privileges, which we do appreciate. Thank you, Wacky Neighbors! My clean hair thanks you. I cleaned their bathroom for them, in return. Give and take/take and give is a beautiful thing. Wouldn’t it be nice if the taxpayers of Oregon agreed? They do not.

PTA? Our school auction is coming up. I’ll write a list of fundraising tips (later) for your perusal. Cuz all we do here in Oregon “Taxes? We don’t pay no stinkin’ taxes!” State is fundraise, me and the rest of the Wacky Parents. It’s a pain in the ass and takes a ton of time and really? It’s not enough, no matter how much we kick ass at it. And really? I think we should all help pay for the schools. It all adds up, everyone contributing their part. I mean, isn’t that part of the beauty of America? A free education, especially for those who can’t afford to pay for it? Give us your poor, your tired, your stressed-out bitchy PTA moms who are sick of no school supplies, no decent salaries for teachers, no art, no music, no electives in the schools, unless the PTA and the principal have gone through hassle after hassle, fundraised til their neighbors and family members go running for shelter whenever they get hit up, again, applied for grant after grant and then voila! Two sessions of art, kids! Go for it! Only, there’s not room for all of you. Yeah, only a third of you. Sorry, again! Better luck next time.

We have no sales tax here, no decent property tax base. But we’re “cool,” we’re like, all free and independent and each and every one of us came out here on the Goddamn Oregon Trail and pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and didn’t take help. And won’t give it. See what I mean? I’m surly. And bummed out.

Wacky Girl’s home ice as it looked in the early 60s

It doesn’t have to be the baby’s legal name. Maybe it can just be the baby’s nickname.

My choices for today:

Girl:
Beatrice
Margaret (Meg or Peg)
Devon
Dina
Ida-Rose
Olivia (Livvy)

Boy:
Boo Radley
Henry
Lenny Thunderchild

FYI — the Winter Hawks did lose again tonight. Eight games in a row! Woo-hoo!!! I am never happy when the Winter Hawks lose, I am just trying to get over it.

(PS — Also had Budweiser hangover all day Sunday. Also, if you have a cup of granola, with a cup of strawberries and a cup of vanilla yogurt — lowfat, right? No, whole fat, cuz I supposedly bought it for my skinny little kids — plus lowfat milk with your coffee… Nice healthy breakfast, yes? No. It added up to 991 calories. That’s, like, more than half my calories for the g.d. day, okay? Damn you, granola. Signed, No Longer a Hippie Girl, Just a Hippy Girl)

“Sure, Scientology is a rich and vengeful religious cult based on a bizarre form of psychotherapy and a belief in reincarnated space aliens. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with them.”

–Dave Touretzky PhD. Carnegie Mellon University

“Lying is done with words and also with silence.”

— Adrienne Rich, writer and teacher (1929- )

My husband gave me this list last night. He gave it to me before, but I’d forgotten. (See rule Number 10.) My favorite is Rule Number 6.

Have a superfine day.

WM

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So, bathtime. I had this notion, pre-kids, that bathtime would be snuggly, warm, happy time. I would visit with them, read them bath books, we’d splash a little, then dry off with Disney towels, get powdered and ready for bed. Hardy har, single girl with big ideas.

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Let’s say you want to name your boy baby something like… Monkey. (I love monkeys.) And your neighbor is all, “The kids will be mean! They will play the Name Game and say ‘Monkey-monkey bo-bunky, banana-fana fo-funky mo mi my mo Krunky, Monkey!’ Wouldn’t that be horrible?” And you’re thinking, “Cool song.” And she proceeds to play a game AT THE BABY SHOWER SHE THROWS FOR YOU where “Everyone is supposed to come up with a good” (accent on “good,” said in loud, cheerful voice) “name for Wacky Baby.”

Would you be insulted? Well, I was eight months pregnant at the time and wasn’t sweating too much besides C-Section Number 2, coming up, so I didn’t say anything. Except “No” to Wacky Sister when she suggested “Cornelius.” She’s wrong, Con is a terrible nickname for a little boy living in a “transitional” (ie — poverty-struck) North Portland neighborhood. And, hello, monkey-guy from “Planet of the Apes.”

Now we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. Wacky Cousin is pregnant with a little Wacky Cousin. Wacky Cousin’s name is…

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