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Bonbons on a Sunny Afternoon

February 23rd, 2005

I’m a housewife, which means I pretty much sit around all day on my
voluptuous ass, eating bonbons and watching soaps (“General Hospital”
and “Desperate Housewives” on tape) while the kids turn the living room
into a golf course using their toy clubs, plastic cups and, for golf
balls, uncooked eggs.

I’m a stay-at-home mom, which means I spend every minute of every day
zooming around to Mommy and Me yoga, music, and swimming, and no time
for naps! We’re on busy-busy schedule. Maybe a car nap in the mini-van
if we’re lucky. We have healthy, nutritious snacks like Pirate Booty
and organic soy milk and then it’s zoom-zoom at the park. Then off to
ballet, where the other mothers and I critically eye each other’s spawn
and tell ourselves, “My daughter is so much more coordinated than hers.”

No, I’m an anxious mom, cuz we’re always sick, we always cancel
playdates, we have Hoof-and-Mouth, chickenpox, rotovirus. We throw up a
lot. We break out in random rashes. We break other people’s toys when
we do make it for a playdate. We’re not potty-trained in a timely
fashion, we talk back to grown-ups, we throw fits and we never ever
have dinner on the table when dad gets home.

Really, I’m a woman. A voter. A laundress. I’m worthy. I’m not worthy.
I’m a Domestic Goddess. I’ve been called “vitriolic,” “tramp,” “snatch”
and “bitch.” I will claim the last label but not the first three. I am The Bitch. I’m a writer and editor and lover. I’m a gardener and a hiker and an ice
skater. I love to sleep. I love to read. I like TV. I’m a wife and a
mom and a housewife and a worker and a lot like you, maybe.


  1. Henrietta says

    Well, now, that’s some mighty fine writin’, yes m’am.

    February 23rd, 2005 | #

  2. Wacky Mommy says

    Mercy bouquet.

    February 23rd, 2005 | #

  3. poetmom777 says

    Wow, wackymommy’s life is so much more entertaining than mine–I thought the fulltime working mommys were supposed to have the most fascinating lives…maybe if you’re an architect mommy or a doctor mommy, but a clerical mommy? I don’t think so! I am actually trying to ask for advice but not sure of the protocol. What I want to know is what does it mean when your 22 almost 23-month-old is suddenly very clingy, whiney, wanting to nurse ALL THE TIME and he’s not sick, doesn’t appear to be teething (he looks like he has all his teeth, but what do I know?) I am worried he’s been through some kind of trauma and is regressing, but can’t think of anything traumatic he’s been through lately. Probably being almost 2 is traumatic enough in itself. Anyway, help, wackymommy!

    March 4th, 2005 | #

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