Hello, darlings. Here, have some truffles.

Questions today are:

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Blondie (But Not For Long)

Dear Blondie,

You do have a situation here, don’t you? Are you a problem client? Was it a firing, or no? Too demanding? (Me, not you.) Do you break appointments and forget to call? Do you complain about the cost, even though your hair looks, like, fabulous and really your hairdresser is the LAST PERSON YOU WANT TO PISS OFF? (Can I make that any cappier?)

I ask these questions because I am extremely possessive of and loyal to my colorist/stylist, Jean-Jean the Color Machine (Jean Brooks), and her equally talented associates, Nancy Scharbach, Chanel and Trina. The four of them work at a great place downtown called Vertigo Style — 1122 S.W. Alder St., 503-224-0247. No pedis, no manis, no facials — they are stylists and they do not mess around.

Also, they do not take on new clients that often. Well, ever, really. But they might make an exception if you drop my name. And tip them well. They like flowers.

And the reason I’m nagging about the scheduling is because Back in the Day, when my hair was clipper cut and bleached blonde, and I loved to wear barely any clothes, and the skinheads used to follow me down the street singing, “She’s got no hair!/She’s got no hair!”… I worked with Nancy and Jean at Park Place for Hair in downtown Portland. It was, like, the best freakin’ year of my life. They did my hair for me all the time, for free because I was their multi-talented receptionist/office manager/shampoo orderer/go pick up the Chinese takeout girl. They made me look and feel so goooood all the time. And really? If I could, I would do it all again.
Because I love them that much. After Park Place, they set up shop with Chanel and Trina, and have been a foursome ever since.

So lo these many years later, Jean still does my hair, and it still looks great. (May I say that? What the hell, it’s my blog.) Yes, it looks great. Natural, and beautiful and I feel so spoiled and pampered. And I don’t need a damn hand massage or a sauna — I need my hair to look good. And they can do that.

And also? When my husband says (he always says this before I go have my hair done), “Baby, what’s wrong with your hair right now?” I just tell him to hand over the cash and off I go.

They are all four quite extraordinary. Also they validate parking. And they’re right by Three Lions Bakery, where coffee is free on Fridays. So there. The secret is out. However, because they’ve been so good, for so long, they don’t need clients. Cuz we’re loyal. So if you can snag an appointment, more power to you. I have to book two months out, and I have an in.

Occasionally they have cancellations, though, so give it a shot. Vertigo Style — 1122 S.W. Alder St. (downtown), 503-224-0247.

Kisses, and happy hair days to you,

WM

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Just a Little Hormonal

Dear Just-a,

Yeah, welcome to the party that is parenthood. Some grandma chirped at my son the other day, “Why didn’t Mommy put your coat on? It’s awfully rainy today, yes it is!” And I almost ran over her foot with my shopping cart. We were heading into the store. Into a warm, dry place. From our warm, dry car. Sometimes I get sick of trying to shove my kids into their coats, OK? So sue me.

Also, nowadays all the hideous Yuppie Parents (We are the World, We are the Parents, I call us — I mean, them) think they’ve cornered the market on brilliance. Circumcision? Bradley v. water birth? To vaccinate or not? Music classes: Pre-birth is not too early. Maybe we should buy a share in an e-coli cow and go unpasteurized? Yes! Yes!

So what I suggest (this worked for me with both pregnancies) is to answer their questions. But with the wrong answer. For example:

In Yo’ Face Mama: “You’re going to nurse ’til he’s three, aren’t you? Cuz you have to! Or it’ll be… bad! You are having a boy, aren’t you? I can tell, you’re carrying so low. You don’t want to tell anyone? Why not? Well, tell me, I won’t tell! I HAVE TO KNOW. WHAT ABOUT THE NURSING? ONLY USE AVENT OR IT’LL BE… BAD.”

Your response: “I was going to buy a Peg Perego stroller, but they’re too… rickety. So we’re getting a Silver Cross instead. Bye!” Then go eat nitrate-enriched lunch meat on white bread, no veggies or milk, and have a cupcake for dessert.

Best wishes for a stress-free pregnancy.

XOXO,

WM

Question Three I cannot answer. Help? She’s in Portland, Ore.

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Green Girl