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Thursday Thirteen #80: Thirteen Reasons Portland Is Lousy

February 14th, 2007

Do you love Portland, Oregon? I do not.

For my Thursday Thirteen, and for my husband, I present:

THIRTEEN REASONS PORTLAND IS LOUSY

1. Lousy rain. Nine months out of the year it rains. That’s as if, say, you got pregnant and it RAINED THE ENTIRE TIME. Now do you see what I mean? No wonder snow looks appealing to me. (I hear a chorus of voices chanting, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.” To you I say, cheerily, “Stay dry!”)

2. Lousy mold and mildew that go hand-in-hand with rain. Lousy bronchitis, asthma and sinus problems that go hand-in-hand with mold and mildew.

3. Lousy schools because of lousy tax structure/property tax fiascos.

4. Lousy lack of American Girl shops. (Wacky Girl’s complaint. She has already mentioned — several times — that Chicago has an American Girl shop. FYI. Cuz Iowa City is three hours from Chicago.) Also, lousy lack of kids on our block, and for several blocks around us. Also, lousy school transfer system that makes it super-easy to transfer out of your neighborhood school (we did). Thus, none of the neighborhood kids know each other, because no one goes to school together.

5. Lousy idiots: Libertarians (“The government needs to cut the fat!”), Republicans (“Fewer taxes for big business = Oregon Good!”), Democrats (“Oh. Geez. No, I don’t want to make anyone mad by asking for, uh, anything. I’ll just shut up now.”), Stinkin’ Dirty Hippies (“If you and Hockey God? Want to have kids? That’s cool and all, but I don’t think I should have to, y’know, pay for them with my taxes? I mean, I’m cool! It’s all good, right? It’s not that I don’t like kids…”), Stinkin’ Oregon Trail Pioneers (who didn’t actually COME OUT HERE ON THE OREGON TRAIL, MIND YOU, but act as if they did, thus: “My family pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and I don’t see why I should goddamn help you just because you can’t figure out how to find your ass with both hands.”)

6. Lousy lack of air-conditioning in most houses and numerous buildings here. People, it is true that in the “olden days” it was only warm here two or three days a year, but summers are frickin’ hot now. Once the monsoon season is over, that is.

7. Lousy frickin’ drug houses, frickin’ off-leash pitbulls, shepherds, boxers and various other breeds of dogs, frickin’ idiots who won’t stop meth production and leash their dogs. (Which is of more importance to me? I do not know. They both bug me equally. Both bite.)

8. Lousy service in every restaurant in town, except for a handful of the high-end places.

9. Lousy drivers and lousy, horrible traffic.

10. Lousy expensive houses. (Really shouldn’t include this one, because I want to cash out and blow. So I say, “Expensive houses good! Give me some money!”)

11. Lousy ocean that is too cold to swim in. Lousy traffic from the lousy casinos, to and from the coast. Lousy car wrecks up and down coast highway.

12. Lousy general lack of community and caring. Believe it or not, I am seen as one of the more caring members of our community. Yeah, I thought that was funny, too.

13. Lousy history of racism that goes back decades and continues here to this day, although people try to hush it up. Have had it with Portland.

19 Comments

  1. Miranda says

    Wow, I’ve been there before. Im guessing its a nice place to visit, but not to live?

    Great list!

    Happy TT!!

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  2. noemi says

    I was there in 1984 with my father for a convention. The delegates totally ignored my father who didn’t speak english that well. There was only 1 kind soul in that room. Other than that, I thought Portland is pretty.

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  3. Christina says

    Oh wow, to think that I contemplated moving to Portland last year! Maybe it’s better that I didn’t.

    I am so with you on people that don’t leash their dogs. That drives me NUTS. My own mother lets her dogs off-leash and even though she’s my mother, I still feel pretty annoyed.

    Thanks for visiting me!

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  4. Di says

    Time to move! But remember, the grass isn’t greener thing?

    I’ve learned the hard way over he past almost two years that it’s what you make of it. I never thought I would fit in here in Boca Raton, FL…but I’ve managed to eke out some friends who are the anti-Boca that I was looking for!

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  5. Alasandra says

    Thanks for visiting my TT.
    Love your blog design.

    I wouldn’t be able to stand the rain. I like sunshine and lots of it.

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  6. WendyWings says

    Something tells me you are not happy living where you are right now.
    Hope you have a happy Thursday anyway !!

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  7. Wacky Mommy says

    This is the most negative post I think I’ve ever written in my life, and I apologize for that! I really am a happy person, even though I know it’s not showing today. It’s just been a long, hard winter, and my little girl is so sick with asthma right now. I think a climate change would do us all good.

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  8. Christine says

    There’s nothing wrong with telling it like it is . . . I live on the West Coast, on Vancouver Island – and it can be extremely frustrating to try to do anything when it rains non stop. Dealing with a sick child is also extremely frustrating – for me anyways – as it reminds me how helpless I am to really make her feel better. Thank you for your honesty.

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  9. Raggedy says

    I hope you get to move soon.
    Terrific Thursday Thirteen!
    My TT is posted.
    Have a wonderful day!
    Happy TT’ing!
    *^_^
    (=’:'=)
    (“)_ (“)Š
    Raggedy

    February 14th, 2007 | #

  10. RObyn says

    Guess you won’t be homecoming queen anytime soon. Hope the sun shines for you tomorrow.

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  11. Lori says

    I hope you get to escape! My hubby is from CA (grew up down south went to school in Northern CA) and hoped to move back there after grad school. I finally convinced him that living on the west coast would not be fun at all. It’s not Oregon but it’s not for me either.

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  12. qtpies7 says

    Guess I won’t be thinking of moving there!
    Try Minnesota, there’s a thing called “Minnesota Nice” here, lol. Everyone is pretty friendly.

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  13. Uisce says

    has the rain dampened your enthusiasm, perhaps? happy TT, mine’s up!

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  14. Missy says

    I wouldn’t mind the rain — I know that makes weird but it’s true.

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  15. Jen says

    I loved living in Portland, but I do not miss the rain!!!!
    http://jadesymb.livejournal.com/260775.html

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  16. Wacky Mommy says

    Uise, yes it has!

    Qtpies 7, we’ve talked quite a bit here about Minneapolis/St. Paul — we have friends there who like it. I’d like all those lakes, and my husband would like the sports scene, no doubt.

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  17. Jen says

    Glad to hear that you are looking to get out, especially since you have stated the negatives so eloquently.
    After all the rain we had here in NH last spring, I can’t even imagine living in the NW having that all the time.
    Good Luck and hope your daughter gets better.
    ( I just posted my first 13)

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  18. Barb says

    Sounds like you are having a tough day. Rain all the time would get me down, too. But, there is something wrong with all the places we can live. Here, it is tornadoes!

    Check out my TT.

    February 15th, 2007 | #

  19. edj says

    Just for your info, the summers in Portland are not hot!! Oh wait, I’ve lost the right to comment on that by moving to the Sahara, haven’t I? ;)

    February 17th, 2007 | #

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