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Thursday Thirteen #119: Thirteen Reasons to Not Argue with Assclowns on the Internet

November 14th, 2007

Why I Declared Wednesdays No Arguing With Assclowns on the Internet Day! Woot!

Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects,

Do you hate to be wrong? I don’t mind it so much when I am, cuz what’s the point? Sometimes I’m wrong, sometimes I’m right. I’d like to think I usually am not an idiot, that I’m learning from my mistakes, but who knows? I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before! Sometimes I change my mind. Lose interest. Give up and go out for sushi, where the conversation is usually much more interesting than the one I’ve been engaging in on the Internet. That’s right. I “talk” with people on the Internet. (And in person — I do leave the house, have a life, run around, you know. Things that don’t involve the computer.)

Lately? Lately my husband and I have been doing a lot of political work. By “a lot” I mean, “a lot even for us.” Political work is enough to make your head implode. So along come the trolls:

“What do you know about it? You’re selfish and making things up! My preshus children go 2 a chartr skool and they luv it and are rilly rilly smart! Yer children would be smart, 2, if you wern’t such a selfish beoyotch!” Etc.

Then I feel compelled to say things like, hell no I don’t want my kids at your hippie-dippie little feel-good charter school, they’re fine at their neighborhood school. Yes, they unchain them from their desks sometimes. And it’s open to everyone, their school. It’s not hoity. No, actually, charter schools are exclusive and hoity. That’s why there aren’t any black kids/Mexican kids/poor kids, etc. at your school, see? (This is true of Portland charters, anyway. So please excuse me if your charter has the All-Asian Boys’ Juggling Troupe, and if it wasn’t for your special school, they never would have learned how to juggle! “None of the other skools they went 2 ever let them juggle, Witchie-Poo! You’re mean! What do you have against juggling?”)

But there I go again, see? Arguing. I give up, Internets. I will no longer argue! On Wednesdays! If you have occasionally had an “arguing” problem with “The Internets” and want to participate in this fine venture of mine, please send me an e-mail or leave a comment; I would be happy to give you a cheerful SHOUT-OUT!

My 13 reasons:

1) Why bother? No one wins.

2) Everyone thinks they’re a big expert, especially me, the Witchie-Poo of all-time. I will be an expert without typing out, “I am expert, not you,” and then will have a merry little laugh.

3) Head. Implodes. With too much conflict. Less conflict, more playtime.

4) What works for me might not work for someone else. Who cares?

5) I’m all, you know, zen. Cuz I went for acupuncture today.

6) I think, would my acupuncturist waste his time arguing? No, he would not. He’d throw some needles in them and tell them to quiet down their spleens. And then he’d say, Your chi is all out of whack. Let’s rechannel it. Then he’d light some moxa on their bellies, in their belly buttons, and say, Let’s draw some of that out. Then he’d do that, you know, five or six times, ’til they were goofy-relaxed, and ask, Better? They’d be all, What was I saying?

7) Why argue when you can make love? Go for sushi? Walk in the rain? Watch the Zamboni go ’round and ’round?

“There are three things in life that people like to stare at: a flowing stream, a crackling fire and a Zamboni clearing the ice.”
– Charlie Brown

8) I thought, if I can give up arguing on Wednesdays, eventually I’ll be able to branch out to Thursdays. Possibly Tuesdays. Perhaps (dare I hope for this?) seven days a week? Yes.

“Victory is mine/ Victory is mine/ Victory today is mine/ I told Satan/ Get thee behind/ Victory today is mine… (etc.) Love is mine… Joy is mine… Peace is mine…”

Om.

9) Sometimes when people really, really argue with you? And won’t give up? And are determined to make you change your mind? At any cost they just have to or it will kill them… It’s because they’re wrong. They know they’re wrong, and they’ve been wrong for a long time.

10) Nyah. (You can think nyah, but please do not say it out loud.) (The children are listening.)

11) If you argue, even if you’re right, it makes you look defensive. Don’t be defensive — be who you are and stand up for yourself and others, but don’t get defensive. You need to defend yourself if you absolutely have to, though. Like if someone tries to steal your chocolate bar.

12) The Internet gives bullies a safe place to hide and then (virtually) jump out at people. I’m not hiding — I’m right here, every day. Bullies, be gone. Go get your own blogs.

13) Love. Love and compassion and all that. It works.

Don’t be argumentative, friend. Don’t let the Internet assclowns get you down. Life is good.

Love,

WM

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don’t worry…I’m here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.”
– Charlie Brown to Snoopy”

20 Comments

  1. Vixen says

    I don’t argue on the internet. Yet. Opportunity hasn’t presented itself. But I do argue, in my head, with asswipes in my life and it is not doing me any good physically so I will desist it on Wednesdays. I will also win the lottery so I can try accupuncture. It may be what has been missing my entire life.
    About the large print, you are not the only one….several have mentioned it. I am very, very happy. If only I knew what I did and how I did it….I am clueless.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  2. susiej says

    Go policies for any day..

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  3. -- a metamorphoself of gabrielle says

    Thurday Thirteen: Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever

    When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass…

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  4. susiej says

    I meant “good”!

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  5. Jenny McB says

    Oh my, arguing just won’t work for blood pressure, but then I am finding teenagers to be the consummate arguers.

    Did you really get illiterate responses, that’s just embarrassing.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  6. Qanzas says

    I have a mantra to keep the assclowns, internet and in-the-flesh, at bay.

    “It’s all for Portland. Om. It’s all for Portland. Om.”

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  7. WackyMommy says

    Vixen,
    I’m going to try it in “real life,” too.

    SusieJ,
    I knew what you meant!

    Jenny McB,
    They haven’t been *quite* that illiterate, but they’re sure not scoring any grammar/style points. Teenagers? You tell them what Jamie Foxx’s grandma told him, “You want to go run around? Fine, go. I’ll cut ya. I will! I’ll cut ya.” OMG.

    Qanzas,
    I (heart) you.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  8. Malcolm says

    I have found that not allowing anonymous comments can help cut down on the trolls who are looking to argue. I still get some… but not as many. I admit that I do enjoy shooting them down every chance I get.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  9. Morgan says

    I totally know how you feel. I hate arguing with people that don’t know what they are talking about.

    Geez. Losers.

    :) Happy TT

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  10. Qtpies7 says

    I don’ t mind a good arguement. It needs to be a good topic, though.
    Who am I kidding? I love to argue! But I am not all that illiterate, hopefully. I don’t go picking fights on purpose, though. I really am nice, but I will put up a fight if I think someone has insulted me.
    But for you, I will give it up on Wednesdays. On my blog. Not in real life. I have teens, it could come out of nowhere with them.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  11. Nicholas says

    I have found that it never does any good arguing online. I sometimes type argumentative messages, to let off steam, but I never send them.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  12. damozel says

    I never try too hard to persuade people….it’s kind of pointless, particularly when it’s a blogger. Bloggers are people who feel strongly enough about something to invest a huge amount of time writing about it….Those aren’t arguments you can win, I think.

    Love that you want to kill them with (acupuncture-based) kindness.

    November 14th, 2007 | #

  13. Jennifer says

    Great list and so true!!
    Thanks for stopping by my place earlier.

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  14. Deb says

    My moms famous words ” Just rise above it” UGH I hate that phrase!

    Nice Thursday post! I just posted my Thursday, with a few add-ons, come on by and visit!

    Have a good one!

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  15. Cecily says

    I LOVE LOVE this list! It’s smart, has great reminders and was super entertaining to read.

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  16. Holly says

    I like zambonies (is that the correct spelling for the plural of Zamboni?)

    Smiles,
    Holly
    http://theabundanceplace.com

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  17. Jill says

    Ok, #13 is the best argument!!
    But then, watching a Zamboni comes as a very close second!!

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  18. LIB says

    I haven’t been reading comments lately. I didn’t know you’d been getting argumentative comments. How annoying; I’m sorry! I think a cliche is appropriate here: “consider the source”:-)

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  19. WackyMommy says

    Lib,
    Absolutely. Another? “Silence is golden.”

    November 15th, 2007 | #

  20. J. Lynne says

    I’ve been taking a year and a half long break from arguing on the Internet — ever since Sean Hannity resorted to calling me names and I realized it was useless. However, the 2008 Presidential election is coming up, so I think I might need your Wednesday breaks.

    Heh. Good luck. :)

    November 15th, 2007 | #

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