You know that thing that always happens, how when you get a tax refund, and you’ve spent it 1,500 ways before it arrives, on things like, you know.

This and that.

Crack cocaine or whatnot.

Prostitutes.

Some new high heels.

Maybe a little toward the credit card bills.

Perhaps some new shoes and jeans for the kids because, damn. My dad was right. They really do grow like weeds.

My mom, circa 1974-1980: “Didn’t I just buy you new shoes last week?”

Then your husband calls, “Can I take you out for lunch?” And for once, your hair is clean, you’ve actually showered and are wearing clothes that are not an old shirt of your husband’s and a pair of sweats, and, “Yes, I’d love that!” (Lentil Garden in Beaverton, Indian buffet, great food.) Then the very exact second you’ve finished lunch, the cell phone rings and it’s the mechanic and guess what?

Yer right! It’s not just the whoozy on your car, it’s the whatzy, too, and since the car is almost 20 years old, is it worth it to fix it? (No.) And geez, isn’t it great we got that tax refund so now we can use it to pay for a new car? (The down payment, anyway. Fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa.)

Does that ever happen to you? Or is it just Wacky House?

Why are we getting a tax refund in December, here in Oregon? It’s something called a “kicker.” Meaning (and this is all pretty technical, so stick with me here) that the State of Oregon gets all confused about money, socks it all away, refuses to spend any on, you know, health care and/or food and/or both for the poor; or new roads; or schools. Or whatever else cash-tax money is supposed to go for in America.

Then the State of O they’re all, WOOT! WE HAVE ALL THIS MONEY! and they send chunks of it back to us, the taxpayers. Which is nice and all, but I’d really rather they spent it while they had it.

“why’s everybody/
wanna keep it like the kaiser?/
give it away/
give it away/
give it away now”

— red hot chili peppers!

I’d rather they kept the money and fed some hungry people. Maybe given shelter to some of the homeless. Provided a few more teachers for the schools. Something.

Cuz if they had — I swear this is true — my car would still be running.