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i don’t have to get my leg amputated

June 3rd, 2011

isn’t that great news? yeah.

did i mention, that in addition to bronchitis, the worst allergies I’ve ever had in my life, a growing sense of “can we please be done with this now please, already?” about my novel (man am i sick of looking for typos, continuity blah blah and misc. plot debris)…

where was I going with this? yes. I had some tumor/growth/alien life force removed from my leg.

that’s why you stop by, right? for the gnarly health news? this wasn’t even gnarly, as these things go. This very beautiful girl doctor and her sweet and also beautiful assistant shoved me backwards on the table, shot up my leg with local anesthetic, and then I don’t even want to know what they did next. But it’s a week later and it’s still sore. Not bad sore — it’s healing up and all, but damn. You just never know what they’re going to do to you, once you step into that strange vortex known as The Doctor’s.

This is me at the doctor’s office. (Thank you, Tom Petty, for the visuals.)

it was just something I didn’t want to deal with and I finally did, yay me. Then I cried because it hurt and the doctor said, If it is malignant, we would need to… and then we’d… and general anesthetic and you’re strong and healthy and would do just fine with that, yes?

my response to that was: “No.” (See? See? Proof on my own blog.)

seriously, Internets. Unlike the rest of my deranged, high-strung extended family, I have extremely low blood pressure. I mean, it’s 90/60 on a good day. When I get sick/stressed/have just had surgery/am losing blood/haven’t had enough milkshakes or sweet potato pie/you name it, it dips to like, 70/47. Then the buzzers and bells start going off, whoop-whoop-aoooooooga! and they all get really excited and things get lively and I think, I am so glad I’m lying down for all this.

Then Steve says, “Even when it’s normal, it’s like, 90/60. She’s a freak, she’s fine.” And then they all simmer down. I can say the same thing, but they don’t listen to Almost-Dead Girl. But they will listen to Steve. Whatever.

Also my lungs have a hard time remembering to breathe. They just… don’t cooperate sometimes.

So I would prefer to never go under general anesthetic for the rest of my life. Also? Veins are collapsing due to Having Too Much Blood Taken for Thyroid Issues and Whatever Else the Vampires Wanted It For.

Hmm.

GOOD NEWS. I called for the test results and the very nice man gave me my favorite letter and my favorite number: B9. Benign!!! Get it? Which is just great, because you know what my favorite movie was when I was a young girl? Sunshine. You know what my favorite book was? (Next to “Wifey,” “Princess Daisy” and any other good smutty trash I could find)… that’s right. Norma Klein’s “Sunshine.” What happens in that book? That’s right. A beautiful teenage mom finds out she has Leg Cancer and her only options are 1) have it cut off or 2) have it cut off or 3) take meds and puke her guts out and then die, anyway.

When you are a teenage girl, this is the sort of book you want to re-read 200 times. So I did. Oh, and “Go Ask Alice.” Yes. So I think this has sort of been a lifelong fear, perhaps. That I will get leg cancer and have to choose between puking/then dying or having my leg amputated. I would choose… neither. I just wouldn’t go to the doctor, that’s how I would solve that one. But I did go to the doc, and all is well. And I’m done with antibiotics for bronchitis and seem to be on the mend. Good! Right on!

Beautiful, happy Friday to you.

– wm

ps in unrelated news, I just filed my first book review for my girls at BlogHer. It’s on “Getting to Happy,” Terry McMillan’s sequel to “Waiting to Exhale.” The review will run sometime this month — I’ll link when it does. (Link!) Will you go check out their site, pretty please? Good stuff on there, and lots of interesting women writing about things that won’t make you wince like I do. Ta-ta for now!

10 Comments

  1. Dan Hortsch says

    I am very happy for you! Continued good/improved health to you.
    I enjoyed the graf about the book about the teen mom and the leg cancer; an interesting insight into teenage girls (I and helped raise two, and so I have some idea, but this added to the experience). How curious that you potentially faced that plotline, and how great that your option is simply to stay healthy, no amputations needed.

    June 3rd, 2011 | #

  2. Wacky Mommy says

    Dan, always with the drama around here :) “Go Ask Alice” turned out to be fiction, and not a memoir, after all, btw. When I found out, my teenage self said, Awwwwwwwww… really? Awww…

    I think I should rename my blog “46 going on 12.”

    June 3rd, 2011 | #

  3. Winn says

    oh. my. god. I’m so glad you came out of it with your leg and your sense of humor intact. happy healing.

    also, take care!

    June 3rd, 2011 | #

  4. WackyMommy says

    Winn-girl, thank you! Blessings on your head, my friend.

    June 3rd, 2011 | #

  5. Nan says

    I am SO glad you’ve still got two legs. Legs are good for all kind of stuff.

    June 4th, 2011 | #

  6. Wacky Mommy says

    I *know*, right?! I’m all, Fantastic, having two legs ;)

    June 4th, 2011 | #

  7. Jenny says

    Please tell me that you weren’t picking your theme music for your “Sunshine” movie, totally forgot about that movie. Glad to hear it all worked out, next time they decide to give you anytime of anesthesia, make a point of being repetitive when it comes to your blood pressure and the after effects. Eventually someone will note it.

    June 5th, 2011 | #

  8. Ralphie says

    Glad whatever you had is the “b” word….second PURRson this week who found out somthin’ was benign. That’s a good week for both of you!

    June 7th, 2011 | #

  9. Anne says

    Glad you are healing , WM. What a relief!
    I cannot believe that we both liked that ultimate tearjerker movie “Sunshine” AND Andrea Dworkin, the world’s toughest feminist (and we both have really low blood pressure–I think it’s because we aren’t afraid to cry in public).
    Much love,
    A.

    June 9th, 2011 | #

  10. Wacky Mommy says

    Jenny, xoxoxoxo.

    Ralphie, headbonks all around!

    Anne, thank you. Went and had more bloodwork done this morning. Here’s hoping they help me figure things out. Still lightheaded and wiped out, but I know now to eat an orange or have orange juice or a chocolate bar when I crash. Argh.

    You know I love Dworkin! QOTD: “Andrea is the reason that I donít feel like shit, as a human being, as a psychiatric survivor, as a prostituted woman, as a woman. — Paddy” http://www.andreadworkin.net/m.....land2.html

    June 9th, 2011 | #

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