We have these occupiers protesting in our fine, fair state of Oregon, West Coast, USA. They have a list of demands. Enough about them. Here is my list of demands:
1) I want the Fremont Bridge to be imploded. Now. Like, this weekend would be good. It’s old, it’s ugly, and I have my reasons. Next!
2) I want everyone in my hometown (mine, not yours… ok, maybe it’s yours, but probably it isn’t) my hometown, Portland, to stop being hipsters, and to cease and desist talking about The Decemberists, bacon, beer, whiskey and ganja.
3) I want people to back the hell off when I’m driving. You’re going too fast, and you’re a jerk.
4) Also, I’d like to request that people stop running stop signs because hello, IT SAYS STOP SO STOP ALREADY.
5) I want my kids to stop yelling MOM MOM MOM MOM and I want my students to stop yelling TEACHER TEACHER TEACHER TEACHER. Anyone who wants to yell MAESTRA or GODDESS at me, go ahead, I don’t mind.
6) Upspeak needs to stop. It’s confusing. Also creaky voice needs to go bye-bye. You’re a grown-up, talk like one.
7) Trigger words: housecleaning, dusting, laundry. Please, enough of the trigger words.
8) None of us are getting enough sleep or exercise. None of us are having enough facetime cuz we’re too busy with Facebook (Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat) time. I want some real, meaningful talks. Some naps. Some yoga. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
OK, anything to add to the list? Please do.