“Do you know why the menopausal woman crossed the road? To kill the chicken.”

— Jane Condon

Dear Martha Stewart,

Hi, it’s me. What should I do, Martha? I just want to slap the shit out of practically everyone I run into. (Not my spouse or kids, thanks. I have some, but not much, self-control.) I can’t go slapping everyone who pisses me off. I mean, there was that kicking incident at Staples recently (see Jan. 10 entry). Pattern may be emerging.

So how did you handle it in prison?

It’s like your theme song, “…am I the same girl?/yes I am/yes I am…” Am I the same girl? I don’t think I’ve always been so irritable.

Please advise.

Love,

Wacky Mommy

You’re probably wondering to yourself, “Self, I wonder what the hell Wacky Mommy is cooking in that Rival Crockpot today?”

Chili with Wine, baby, and it is goooooooooooooooood.

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RIP Shelley Winters, Aug. 18, 1920-Jan. 14, 2006.

“I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn’t last long.” SW

“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.”

–Ludwig Wittgenstein, philosopher (1889-1951)

Dear Wacky Mommy:

What’s the secret to maintaining self-esteem while maintaining a home? I provide childcare, and I am a stay-at-home mom. I know this is what I am best at doing, but it is hard in a society that doesn’t really value this as “real work” or especially “smart work.” Really hits on any insecurities that one may have about their intelligence and purpose anyway. Kind of like your story about visiting your old work — “Uh, yea, it’s all I’m doing.” Just doesn’t seem to be enough. And it doesn’t sound great at cocktail parties. These damn gray days don’t help either. geezus.

Signed,

SAHM

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Searches that brought people to Wacky Mommy:

i flashed my boobs to my neighbor

lazy husband advice sleeps a lot

hirsute dudes

how to make a parade float out of a shoebox

booty dancers

cowboy caviar shoepeg corn blackeyed peas

drunk mommies

neighbor’s panties

brooke shields father

are fibroids aliens

i’m a doctor, not an escalator and friday’s child

uterus contractor

Especially not when home is your former place of employment. I realize one is not supposed to blog about one’s workplace Dooce (like Deuce), but this is my former workplace.

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Is it wrong to kick someone in the shins when he tries to rub up against you at Staples? Wacky Mommy sez, “No, it is not.”

” I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.”

— Whoopi Goldberg

Did you ever see her on Sesame Street? She taught everyone the mantra “I’m so angry, I’m so angry, I’m so angry, ughhh!!” You kinda punch it out in the air and get all your angries out. V. effective technique, I highly recommend it. Sesame Street is on right now, as a matter of fact — gotta motor.