Oh honey, does this one ever need Wacky Mommy’s help!

This Oregonian columnist owes almost $150 in late fees to the library and, well, at least she’s not *stealing* from the library…

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And now for the Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others:

Dear Wacky Mommy,
Please help me with this interesting dilemma. My son who is almost 10 has started to feel very comfortable lounging around in his underwear . . . way too comfortable. Neither my husband or myself has done anything to instigate this behavior. We remain fully clad while we are awake and have NEVER just laid around the house in our undies. Both of us will suggest that he get some additional clothing on ie: pajamas or a shirt, but he tunes us out and conveniently forgets what we suggested. I had a friend while growing up whose dad felt very comfortable in this attire and it really grossed me out. I would like to nip this behavior in the bud, before my young man starts wistfully asking for “beeeer” just like Homer J. Simpson. Please help me!

Signed,

Homie’s Mom

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Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others:

Today it’s Wacky Mommy’s turn to ask for advice:

How do I find inner peace and tranquility, or at the very least keep up with the laundry?

Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others

(This column is not meant to substitute for regular medical care and was not written by a medical professional, savvy?)

Q: One of the kids that I take to school (carpool) had a URI (upper
respitory infection, cough, congestion, hacking up a lung, etc) for a
good 2 months and his parents never took him to a doctor. Not only did
I feel for the poor kid, I really didn’t want him hacking all over my
son and giving it to him. Of course we all caught it. I never said
anything to his parents, though I wanted to. Do you think I suck for
being a chicken? What should I have said? His mom is a very sweet lady
that I value as a friend.

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A mommy writes and asks:

“Does anyone have suggestions on helpful books, websites, ideas, etc. to help parents ease into the ‘tween transistion?”

(For those of you who don’t know, ‘tween refers to “between little kid
and teenager,” ie hormones can be raging, along with mood swings, etc.
Wanting to snuggle, but wanting to seem “cool,” all that.)

Ideas???

I like the Family Fun website, they’ve got some good ideas for all
ages. At our school they’re big on having the older kids mentor the
younger kids — is she doing any kind of “big sister” stuff, with maybe
Girl Scouts or school? It helps boost their confidence, at a time when
they’re maybe feeling a little unsteady.

And keep her as busy as possible, cuz you know this is the age when
they want to “impress” their friends by doing exceptionally wacky
things.

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Wow, Wacky Mommy’s life is so much more entertaining than mine–I thought the fulltime working mommys were supposed to have the most fascinating lives…maybe if you’re an architect mommy or a doctor mommy, but a clerical mommy? I don’t think so! I am actually trying to ask for advice but not sure of the protocol. What I want to know is what does it mean when your 22 almost 23-month-old is suddenly very clingy, whiney, wanting to nurse ALL THE TIME and he’s not sick, doesn’t appear to be teething (he looks like he has all his teeth, but what do I know?) I am worried he’s been through some kind of trauma and is regressing, but can’t think of anything traumatic he’s been through lately. Probably being almost 2 is traumatic enough in itself. Anyway, help, Wacky Mommy!

Signed,

No Idea

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Welcome to the Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others:

Q: What do you tell your five-year-old son (who loves to make things
from household items) when he finds some tampons (good rocketship
material) and wants to know what they are (I simply said “Tampons”) but
more importantly wants to know what they are for?

A: What a resourceful kid! I’d congratulate him, first, on being so
creative. If he’s asking questions, give him some answers. “They’re for
my period. That’s when women bleed once a month, if they’re not having
a baby. Girls use tampons and pads for the blood.” I usually explain
privacy issues to my kids, too, ie — “We don’t need to talk about this
with other kids or grown-ups, it’s private.”

Then take the tampon from him, go find your husband’s athletic cup (a
clean one, of course) and give him that to play with, instead. It makes
a great drum.

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Thus begins the weekly Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers and Others. Wacky Mommy is willing to answer any and all of your questions, and call in the experts if necessary. So fire away!

A disclaimer: This service is not meant to replace regular care and maintenance of your automobile, and is not intended… oh, wait. That’s from the letter my auto club sent me weekly when I had my Dodge Dart. What I meant was: This column is not written by a medical expert, or, to be brutally honest, an expert in much of anything. Yet people insist on asking for my advice! So, what’s a girl to do but attempt to help, however lamely she can? And not hold it against them when they don’t take my advice anyway! You don’t want my advice, dammit, don’t ask!

Savvy?

What I meant was: This column is not meant to take the place of medical attention from a doctor, witch doctor, or mental health professional. Whew!

Our first question:

“Hi, yeah, I have a kind of neurotic mother question. My son’s birthday party is this Saturday at the kids’ museum. Some of the people haven’t called to RSVP. Quite a few of them, actually. Is it OK to call them? And if they can’t come, invite other people? Even though it’s kind of late in the game? Is that tacky? Thank you.”

I heard from this mommy on Thursday evening, which in my book is planning ahead. I mean, two days til the big event! Dang, good job being so organized, baby! To her I say:

Hell, yes, get on the horn. Cuz you’re paying by the head at the museum, correct? And you want to make sure that at least a couple of his pals show up, otherwise it could traumatize the little guy for life, years of therapy, a twitch in his eye, etc.

What I have done in the past is call people and say something like “I know you guys probably have been swamped and haven’t had a chance to RSVP, but I’m wondering if you all are going to be able to make it to Woogum’s party on Saturday? It’s fine if you have other plans, I’m just trying to get a headcount for the museum! Thank you! Call as soon as you have a chance!”

Hopefully you get them on the line and don’t have to wait for a callback. If they hem and haw, for the love of God give them an out. Because we all know that for most of us, kids’ birthday parties can give us headaches, ruin friendships, send us running for numerous vodka lemonades, then you get called a drunk by your so-called friends, “It’s only 2 o’clock and you’ve already had two vodka lemonades? Jesus, woman, get a grip!” words are exchanged, etc. So be gracious. Then re-do your count and call a couple of more people, if the numbers match up, and say something like:

“Would you guys like to come to Woogum’s party? It’s this Saturday (details on location, time, gift exchange or not, etc.) and I totally understand if you guys already have plans.” Then… here’s the tricky part — let’s say Family One calls you back. “We CAN make it after all!” Well, then you’re screwed. Not really. You’ll just need to pay for the extra admissions. Or you could lie, and say “Sorry, the room is limited to 10 people and we just found out my husband’s cousins are in town. Want to get together next weekend at the park instead?”

More suggestions:

* If you’re inviting his class, invite the whole class OR just one or two of the kids, tops (by private invite, through the mail). If you
invite half the class then that can be very hurtful to the rest of the kids, cuz they’re going to hear about the Big Fun they missed.

* A gift exchange of toys or books (in lieu of gifts for the birthday kid) can be nice. $5 max, and make sure to stash a few extra presents in the trunk of your car in case some of the parents forget. Another nice idea is to ask for donations to the Humane Society, local homeless shelter for women and kids, or another favorite charity.

* Limit the soiree to two hours, tops, for younger kids or Bad Things Can Happen. I know. And..

* No spin the bottle til they’re 12!

Kisses to the birthday boy!