Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It:

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

I think I was 12 or 13 the first time I read “Memoirs of an Ex-Prom Queen” by Alix Kates Shulman (274 pages; $15; Farrar, Straus & Giroux). It was my mom’s copy — she let me read anything I wanted. Thank you, Mom!

First off, I identified with the book, like most other females have for thirty-five years now (??? what???), even when I got to the intriguing, horrible and mystifying parts (her molestation; her hideous illegal abortion; her running off to upstate New York to wait tables, wherein both a millionaire and the chef fall for her; her European adventure, where she gives her lover “the Clap”; her mishaps in college and marriage). I adored this book then and adore it now. So to have an advance review copy fall in my lap (newest edition; paperback) it was like getting a box of bon-bons.

Laced with Scotch.

(Also, I was fascinated by the author’s name: Alix, not Alex. Kates, not Kathryn or Kate. Exotic! And the character was from Ohio — all of the heroines in other books I was reading where from the West Coast. Or New York. But the Midwest? Intriguing…)

She quotes Emerson, in a Dear John letter to her beau:

“Did I hurt you by leaving without saying goodbye? If so, I’m sorry. I knew you’d understand eventually. I just had to go without anyone’s permission, not even yours. As Emerson says in an unbelievable essay called “Self-Reliance,” I must be myself.”

(Yes! My 12-year-old self thought: Sasha Davis is brilliant! I, too, must be myself!)

OK, no spoilers here, in case you haven’t read this book — but the ending is what you’d expect and not at all what you’d expect. This novel really is a feminist classic.

“‘You’re a sweet boy, George, but I’m off sex.” He probably didn’t even find me pretty.

‘Oh well. It’s been very nice knowing you anyway, Sasha. I liked you.'”

Next up: “Babyproofing Your Marriage,” by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill and Julia Stone (289 pages, $24.95, HarperCollins Publishers). Ladies, where have you been for the last ten years? Because I’ve needed some help in learning how to “laugh more, argue less, and communicate better” as my family grows.

Learn about…

“Scorekeeping: An exceedingly complex, often relentless tit-for-tat war waged by husbands and wives…”

“The Ten O’Clock Shoulder Tap: Considered by many men to be a form of foreplay…” and…

“Clash of the Grannies: Who gets to be called ‘Grandma’…” and much more. No wonder it doesn’t seem like it was waaaaaaay back in 1972 when “Ex-Prom Queen” was published — what the hell has changed? We need all the help we can get around here, in the land of Domestic Strife and Chaos.

I also received a review copy of “Good Kids/Bad Habits,” by Dr. Jennifer Trachtenberg ($21.95, 319 pages, HarperCollins Publishers). I don’t even want to find out my RealAge. I’m a bit concerned that I’m actually 77. She includes loads of information about the health crisis our kids are facing. (Hints: No video games, less sugar, more exercise and a better diet is a good start. Just fyi.) Did you know that American kids are facing battles with adult diseases such as high blood pressure, clogged arteries and weak bones? Did you know that this is the first generation that may have a shorter life expectancy than their parents?

On a lighter note, Trachtenberg is opposed to the “five-second rule” (“If the food lands where the bacteria are, it will become contaminated almost immediately”); she is pro-consistency. I think this book is going to be my new Bible for some time to come. She also tackles teens, and who doesn’t need help there? She includes some recipes, some checklists, and some sound advice. And the book includes a comprehensive list of websites for parents and kids. Wacky Girl’s favorite is the Yuckiest Site on the Internet.

After reading these books, I had to scoop up the kids and love on them.

Wacky Boy says, “I will give you a hug first, then one of my special kisses.” (It’s a kiss on one cheek, then the other, then the lips, then you rub noses. It will do you in, a kiss like this.)

“What would I do without you?” I asked.

“I dunno. Cwy?” he says as he runs out of the room. He calls over his shoulder, “You wouldn’t have anyone to teach you everything.”

Now that is for sure.

re: a video they made my daughter’s class watch today:

At the end of the videotape, one of the girls started hissing, “Booooo!” and (this is when the class, as a group, really shines) then the kids yelled (pretty much in unison), “BYE, LOSERS!” (When they’re in the mood for singing, they do a nice medley of “We Are Family,” “Dance to the Music” and “Give Me Some Money.”)

Yours,

WM

Reviewed today:

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For Today’s Discussion:

I was just e-ing with my friend, a lover of literature and words, about our early influences. She feels, in hindsight, that she was much too harsh on Woolf. And that perhaps she should have branched out from Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Valley of the Dolls. She is wrong. JLS was a fine example of what each of us should strive for in personal growth. And the Dolls? You do not want to end up being a doll or popping dolls. I think we can all learn a little something here.

I can see, in hindsight, that throughout my college years, I loved Toni Morrison and “The Song of Solomon” to the exclusion of everything else. Except Shakespeare. And John Donne. And “Rosemary’s Baby” (the film and the book). And the movie “Sid and Nancy.”

My other early influences, both cinematic and literary? Here goes:

Am/have always been extremely fond of Truman Capote (his Southern writing, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s) and Eudora Welty

Double features my parents took me to as a child:

Jonathan Livingston Seagull/Brian’s Song (at the Bagdad Theatre in Southeast Portland. My dad and his best friend L took us. I remember them bawling like babies — “I love you, man!” Heehee. Pretty sweet.)

Deliverance/Dirty Harry (at the drive-in. Mom and Dad thought my sister and I would sleep through both films. We did not. Not so sweet.)

My favorite books as a child and teen:
Looking for Mr. Goodbar (which I often refer to when writing the Friday Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others)
I’m OK/You’re OK
Transactional Analysis book my mom had
Yellow Brick Road self-help book (mom and dad’s book)
Go Ask Alice (a fraud!!!! Pure fiction! Aiiiiiiii I cannot take it.)
Sunshine (this is still my favorite, and yes, I wrote my senior honors essay on it in high school.)
anything by Judy Blume (esp. “Wifey”) and Norma Klein (esp. “Mom, the Wolfman and Me”)
The Silver Crown/Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH (Robert C. O’Brien — My daughter and I are reading the latter now, she’s liking it)
The Borrowers
Hans Brinkman and the Silver Skates
The Joy of Sex
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex (and Were Afraid to Ask) — I loved this one because it was so… off. Somehow. But I didn’t really know how it was off and had no one to ask.

Your influences? Please list, and describe.

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. It it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

— E.B. White, writer (1899-1985)

We saw Charlotte’s Web on Thursday, the new one. (The actors who voiced the animals were great, as was Dakota Fanning, who plays Fern.) Wacky Girl kept sneaking little sidelong looks at me during the movie, Is she crying yet? No. Now? No. So stoic, my kids. They never cry at books or movies, and they only rarely sob about real life. (Right before winter break, Wacky Girl saw someone at school pitch a major tantrum and asked me later, “What was up with her, anyway?”)

She knows how I feel about Charlotte’s Web because I won’t read it with her. She’s read it with her dad three or four times, she reads it sometimes by herself, but for me, I can’t get over Charlotte dying.

“But her babies live!” Wacky Girl tells me. Spoken like a true spawn.

Unlike many creatures, I’m here to do more than live for one mere year (possibly less) have my babies, nurture my babies (or possibly not be allowed that opportunity) and die. I hope I’m here for more than that. But some days (weeks, years) it does seem like that’s my only purpose. I hate that. I love mothering, but I hate having it define me. Being seen as a “bitch,” or worse, “a fat bitch,” who is here just to mother. Gestate, nurse, mother. Gestate, nurse, mother. Die.

“It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.”

Of course I cried.

Everyone has been sending me stuff, but have I been kind enough to review any of it? Noooooooooooo. Too busy bitching at Emilio Estevez.

Reviewed today:

And, just to mix things up:

Student’s Go Vegan Cookbook, by Carole Raymond. (And no, I don’t like the placement of that apostrophe, either. Talk to Carole’s publisher about it, not me.)

The God of Small Things, by the political, brilliant and irrepressible writer and speaker Arundhati Roy.

And… (mixing it up, get it?) how about the Jiffy Mixes recipe book? If you go to their website they’ll send you, one, too. If you have an Easy-Bake Oven, Jiffy Mixes work just splendidly and do not cost as much as the Easy-Bake mixes.

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From George Bernard Shaw:

“This is the true joy of life: the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”

Yeah, that’s me alright — a regular force of nature. And this may be all you’re getting from me this week…

Book of the week: I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being A Woman by Nora Ephron. She is a funny, funny, funny lady. Sorry, I could never hope to be even one-tenth as funny as she is, so I will not try.

Christmas pageants are a lot of work, it turns out. If I was into pharmaceuticals I’d be taking a Valium right now.

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Here’s how I have attempted to get an agent: I’ve shamelessly and without pride asked all of my friends who have had books published for the names of their agents. They both said yes. Their agents said no.

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Reviewed today:

You might want to just run out now and buy a handful of UglyDolls, because once you finish reading Jennifer Weiner’s latest, Goodnight Nobody, you will want to get your mitts on one. Or in my case, three or four, because who can pick just one? They’re so pitifully ugly. (UglyDoll Babo is a prominent character in the book.)

I started out thinking I wanted to post a full review of this book, but I hadn’t read anything about it before I cracked it open and I’m glad I didn’t. I hate spoilers, don’t you? So let’s leave it at this — It’s about a mom. And her kids. Her best friend. And her husband, who really? Needs to be paying a bit more attention to his wife and the homefront. And then we have our little friend, UglyDoll Babo, in his crocheted pink bikini and other attire. It’s a great book — you’ll love it. I’ve enjoyed all of Jennifer Weiner’s books, but this one was my favorite. (If you’re a writer, or an aspiring writer, check out the “For Writers” section on her website — it’s full of tips.)

I also just finished Anne Tyler’s latest, Digging to America. Tyler has always gotten a bad rap, as far as I’m concerned. A prof of mine once dismissed her books as “domestic novels.” As if to say, “Families, blech.” Go talk to Tolstoy, would you? Or Shakespeare. Or Tennessee Williams. And can we please get the phrase “chicklit” the hell out of the room? Don’t be dismissive, it makes you look like a jerk. (Weiner makes jokes about “all the books with the pink covers” throughout “Goodnight Nobody” and it cracked me up.)

I’ve read probably half of Tyler’s work and have been moved by all that I’ve read (especially The Accidental Tourist and Back When We Were Grownups). “Digging to America,” which is about two families — one Euro-American and one Iranian-American — who adopt baby girls from Korea, is her finest novel to date. I loved it, and my mom did, too. After she finished reading it, we held an impromptu book club, just the two of us, over the phone. My mom, who is so proud of Wacky Girl (don’t hate her because she reads ahead two grade levels. heeheehee) and Wacky Boy, who started reading this week.

My boy reads. My girl reads. My husband, when I shove a book at him, reads, too. (His real love is non-fiction and political writing. And anything about hockey, natch.) My mom taught me to read, and write, and I love her for that. My dad, who pretty much bombed at school, loved Steinbeck and got lost in books.

You think it’s easy, writing about family life? Go try it. Chicklit my foot. Happy writing, and reading.

Love,

WM

PS — Even though I’ve just started reading Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, by Gregory Maguire, I’m giving it two thumbs-up. Funny, and a little scary, and the language is great.

At the Book Fair yesterday at the North Portland Library, we received a FREE copy of one of the Addy, American Girl books. (Wacky Girl adores American Girl anything, especially now that Emily, Molly’s English friend! has arrived! Much excitement at Wacky House over this. I told her if she scams enough Christmas money, then maybe.)

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