This just in from the wire (aka, my sister sent it to me in an e-mail):

“A Missouri woman says she has found Jesus in a bag of Cheetos. When Kelly Ramey opened a snack-sized bag of Cheetos, she felt something unusual and checked it out.

Most of her family and friends believe it looks like a mini orange sculpture of Jesus on the cross. Ramey and her husband call it ‘Cheesus.’ Others see something completely different.

A local minister does not see anything theologically special about the Cheeto, but thinks some good could come from it.

Ramey doesn’t plan to sell the Cheeto because it’s bringing a lot of joy into her home. She will keep it in a safe deposit box or put it on display so more people can enjoy it.”

And as if that wasn’t enough, my best girlfriend sends this along. Meow!!!!

“It was our own moral failure and not any accident of chance, that while preserving the appearance of the Republic we lost its reality.”

— Marcus Tullius Cicero, statesman, orator, writer (106-43 BCE)

The kids and I have had a great couple of weeks, swimming, celebrating birthdays, staying up ’til midnight. On Thursday we actually made it to the park to play and have free lunch. Yes, free lunch. Oh, free lunch, how I love thee. (more…)

(If you’re looking for my Thursday Thirteen, check here. I hijacked my husband’s blog.)

And last, but not least… We are selling Girl Scout Cookies this year. Because we are now Girl Scouts. Who knew we’d go to church and (later, and this has nothing to do with church at all) become Girl Scouts? I’m pretty certain that no one saw that one coming.

One minor trifle: Who knew they wanted you to commit to selling 3,000 boxes per Girl Scout? That, to me, spells “unreasonable.” We’ll be able to sell, mebbe, twelve or fourteen boxes? Tops. And those will be to ourselves, most likely, given my cooky addiction.

What kinds of cookies are on offer this year? Lemon Chalet Cremes! (New!), Trefoils (shortbread), Do-Si-Do’s (peanut-buttery), Samoas (not “Samoans.” Gooey coconut! Chocolate!), All Abouts (Celebrating Girl Scouting! These are my favorites. Shortbread and chocolate), Sugar Free Chocolate Chip (the name says it all), Tagalongs (not “Tagalogs” heh heh heh. Wildly Popular!), Thin Mints (Extra Thin, Extra Minty! I take it back — these are my favorites). What about you? I am tempted to load up those USPS boxes, you know the ones? You can pack those suckers full of Girl Scout cookies and mail them out for what, ten bucks apiece?

I do not have that kind of money to throw around, except in my imagination. So you’ll have to find a Girl Scout, if possible, wherever you are. (Nan, any Girl Scouts in Trinidad?)

The following cookies do not exist, except in Zip’s imagination:

1) Chocolate Mint
2) Lemonades
3) Caramel delites
4) Cinna-spins

(What did this make, nine posts today?)

xxox

WM

ps you have NO idea how loudly the kids have been protesting in the background, the entire time I’ve been posting here. It had to be done. On a bright note — this week’s homework is now finished. “Webkinz, now?” Yes.

Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”
God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”
God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”
God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

Highway 61 Revisited
Bob Dylan

That isn’t my God, that God, by the by. My God is a friendlier, more compassionate, Higher Spirit kind of being. I haven’t written much about My Life as a Sunday School Teacher, have I now? You interested? (My sister: “No.” Hangs up phone.) How about school politics? (Picks up the phone, then slams it down.) I like teaching, and I especially liked it this past Sunday when one of my students, who showed up for the first lesson and hasn’t been spotted since (is it something I said?) showed up, smiley, knowing that I would remember him.

(I did.)

We talked about Sophia Fahs. Next week I’m teaching the lesson — it’s about Beatrix Potter. Both Unitarian girls. For snack, we always always always serve tangerines. Always.

And now, from the Q&A bag…

Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others
Dear everyone, I am not a trained professional; please seek help from a medical professional if and when you need it. Be well!

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Please help with any ideas you moms might have. My 6 yr. old daughter is the worlds pickiest eater, she only eats bagels, doritos, pizza, vanilla yogurt, pepperidge farm fishies, steak, and just recently discovered Bologna.

Signed,
HELP!!!!

Dear HELP!!!!:
Give the kid some steak. Steak is good food! Unless you’re eating with my three vegetarians, in which case you’d hear, Ew, that’s from a COW? You killed a cow? Did you know you’re eating… Etc. So tiresome. Bologna? Not such a healthy choice, but an okay snack. Doritos? Do not keep Doritos in the house, thus they cease to become an option.

(I’m trying this strategy on fruit leather, cereal bars, candy and cookies, wish me luck.) Vanilla yogurt and pizza are two of our four food groups around here. I would try buying healthy stuff, as healthy as possible, and remembering this: It’s your job to fix the food; it’s her job to eat it.

Don’t worry, she won’t starve to death.

The eating issues drive me nuts, too. You’re not alone.

Love,
WM

Next?

Dear Wacky:
I have a cubicle neighbor who eats lunch at his desk and smacks his lips. It just totally grosses me out. The smell of his cheap microwave food is bad enough, but to hear the smack smack smack that goes with it is just too much. It’s not loud, or anything, and I imagine he’s completely unaware anybody can hear him.

To make matters worse, he always eats early, around 11:30, so I’m almost always at my desk. I’ve taken to putting on headphones and listening to music while he eats, but I don’t like having to do this.

Should I confront him about this? If so, what should I say? Or should I just ignore it and do the headphone thing?

Sincerely,
Grossed-Out by Lip Smackers

Dear Grossed-Out:
It’s always about the food around here, isn’t it? Honestly, I cannot think of a tactful way to tell someone “Stop smacking.” Unless you yell, “Stop smacking!” over the wall, but I would die of embarrassment if someone did that to me, wouldn’t you?

Wear headphones, or take an earlier lunch. Maybe take a break during his mealtime? Is he a fast eater, or a lingerer? Work: All of the same dilemmas and quandaries as home, but you have to obey some invisible code of respect. Even though “We’re family! We’re a work family!” Well, no. Not really. At home we just yell, “Stop smacking!” and call it a day.

Good luck.

Warmly,
WM

“Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good.”

–Alice May Brock, author (1941-)

I got a real shocker when I picked up the kids from school today.

“Dad says you’re supposed to feed us dinner, so we can carve pumpkins when he gets home!”

What? I mean, what? I need to play chef? For the Kids Who Refuse to Eat? I’ve turned into Cher in “Mermaids,” when she serves the kids cocktail weiners, aka “pigs in a blanket,” and fruit kebabs.

We are now eating a pu-pu platter of goat cheese, crackers (the healthy kind — Wheatettes!), dried cranberries and cashews. By “we” I mean “I am” because the kids aren’t touching any of it.

Let’s play a game, it’s called, what will your 8-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son eat, Wacky Mommy? Have they gotten over that whole Picky Eater thing?

Q: Vegetables?
A: No. Except french fries. And not all french fries, just the crinkly kind. No, the shoestring kind. I think. Who knows. They won’t eat home fries, sweet potato fries, anything that doesn’t “look” like a french fry.

Q: Vegetables with ranch dip?
A: Nope.

Q: Fruit?
A: Yes. But only pears, apples, oranges, raspberries (Wacky Girl); pears, raspberries (Wacky Boy). Wacky Girl: “I kinda like strawberries. And watermelon. Kinda.”

Q: Cheese?
A: Mostly, especially if it’s combined with macaroni or melted on top of pizza.

Q: Meat?
A: They do not care for meat. Any meat. Wacky Boy occasionally likes a Dino Nugget from Costco.

Q: Hot dogs? Hamburgers? Weiner wraps? Chili dogs? Sloppy Joes? Meat or veggie ones?
A: They will say no.

Q: Desserts?
A: All desserts are accepted. Desserts, however, are not regularly offered, due to the lack of eating Real Food.

Q: How about tater tots? All kids like tater tots!
A: Not mine. Once in awhile my daughter will eat a baked potato, and she likes cornbread, and spaghetti. (No meat sauce, no meatballs.)

Q: Is it a bitch, trying to cook for them?
A: Nope. I used to sweat it, now I just roll with it. Vegetables and fruits: Offered (and refused). Bean burritos, tacos, nachos: Offered (and refused). Mashed potatoes? My daughter will sometimes eat mashed potatoes. Wacky Boy could live on cereal bars, toast, and vanilla yogurt. Que sera, sera.

They’ll eat when they’re hungry.

Reviewed today:

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Thirteeners and Usual Suspects,

Did you miss me half as much as I missed you? I don’t know if that is possible, cuz I missed you a lot! We were on vacation, through Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming and Colorado. It was fun. It was fantastic. It was so much fantastic fun that I am having trouble settling back in to “real” life and instead, am dreaming of this 13… (more…)