i love this post so much i want to pet it.

“Lady in the back row says she loves my hair.”

Dave Barry once described Dockers pants as being for the “bigger-butted man,” and I thought that was real funny.

Until we all got super-sized.

Now along comes Steve, with a new door for the kitty-kitty-kittens.

He figures Wacky Cats 1 & 2 won’t go much over 15 pounds (they’re already 13 and 15 years old), but Baby?

“He’s gonna hit 20 pounds once he gets the middle-age spread going.”

We’re now the proud owners of the Big Cat Door, which can handle critters “large up to 25 pounds.”

In addition to the four-way security lock and the see-through rigid flap, you’ll find that it is “Generously sized for today’s large cats and small dogs.”

For the bigger-butted mammals in your life, this is the door you’ll want, yes, indeed.

…what happened to my copy of “Joshua Judges Ruth” (Lyle Lovett)? Because even though it’s a cassette for the love of God, not even a CD, and even though it’s been missing for years, I still look for it. And while we’re at it, I’d also like to know how “I Love Everybody” ended up in its case? I do like “I Love Everybody,” especially “Hello, Grandma,” but dammit I want Joshua-Judges-Ruth, especially “She Makes Me Feel Good.”

Ms. New Orleans, who is from Texas, doesn’t care for Lyle all that much. She’s all, flatly, “Robert Earl Keen” and that is that.

Yes, I realize I could just “break down and buy another copy,” but that isn’t the point, is it?

We’re having some animal trauma here today, and some animal bliss. First of all, one of the hamsters apparently had a bitch fight with the other one, and now she can’t open her left eye. It’s sad. I hope she heals up. On a brighter note, the cats seem to have adjusted to no longer being allowed outdoor privileges and are fat and happy. And by fat I mean fat. That’s how it goes when you’re avoiding the coyotes.

This afternoon I was out on the deck with the kids. They wanted to practice their mad taekwondo forms while I watered the pumpkins. Here comes a hawk, twirling down, wheeling around over us, so low I could see the white feathers and brown markings on his belly. That was cool. Then my little bright green hummingbird flew by to drink from her favorite orange flowers.

Really nice afternoon.

The Beechers are so nice.

She butters the top of the omelet. That’s right. To make it shiny. I love Julia Child.

Went for sushi, then saw the film “Julie & Julia” today (I know, I know, sushi is not French, yet it is tasty). Fun movie, I liked it. Streep and Stanley Tucci were wonderful, of course. I don’t think Nora Ephron has ever made a movie or a book I didn’t like. (My favorites, in no particular order: “Crazy Salad,” “Silkwood,” “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman” and “When Harry Met Sally…”)

The reviews all say something along the lines of, Oh, Meryl’s wonderful but eh, they could have done without Julie’s character. A blogger who is peevish, looking for inspiration with her cooking, and doesn’t always agree with her husband? Yeah, I can’t relate to that at all. hahahaha. I liked both plot lines — thought they were woven together well. I read the Julie/Julia Project sometimes when Julie Powell was writing it. Was glad she got a book deal. Was not so glad to hear that her second book details the affair she had after the first book was published. Eh, it’s not my life. But if you want to sleep with someone other than your husband? Don’t be married.

It’s our anniversary this weekend — can’t say what I’m giving Steve for a present, cuz it’s a surprise. But I think he’ll like it. My sister, the bride-to-be, informs me that eleventh anniversary is steel and jewelry. I’ll get myself some drill bits and get him some jewelry. Good? I won’t be getting myself a boyfriend for a gift, that’s for sure. What kind of lousy present is that? Also, nothing from here. Aroooooo… That’s what I’d really like to give him for an anniversary present — two wiener dogs. The bad thing about wiener dogs: Sometimes they get too nippy. Also they go “pee-pee” a lot. The good thing about wiener dogs: You get to say the word “wiener” all the time and make a lot of “wiener” jokes. That’s kinda fun.

Perhaps Steve wouldn’t like a doggy. Perhaps he would like a goose? Not that kind, the feathered kind. Sure he would! Happy anniversary, Steve. Eleven big years and I love you more every day.

“Never thought about divorce. Thought about murder plenty, but not divorce.” — my late, dear Granny, on the secret to her and my Grandpa’s marital success.

Why didn’t she remarry? “I had the best, honey. Why mess with the rest?”

True, that. Steve, I love you. Thanks for always loving me back.

Hmm. I like pets. I just don’t like their owners, sometimes. That’s all.

(Happy birthday to Wacky Cousin 3.0, we love you, kid. Hope you get to eat as many cupcakes as you want. And a big ol’ happy birthday to my little girl. If I had it my way, sweets, I’d get you three border collies. Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!! Hugs and love and kisses.)

Yeah, no one here will talk about it, for fear of offending someone’s “dog child,” but at least the New York Times dared to tackle the subject. Dogs are a frickin’ problem in Portland. They. Poop. All. OVER THE PLACE. Your dog does not have the same rights as my child, savvy? Besides, my kids are potty-trained and have been for quite some time. Your dog will never be potty-trained. Maybe you can train your pet bunny to use the commode, but the puppy-wuppy? Lost cause. Your dog is not your “child.” You did not birth that furry little poop machine. I know you love him. I know you “adopted” him. But it’s just different.

Aroooooooooooooooooooooooo! You know when I really went all postal on this? When we shared a duplex with a housemate who 1) refused to keep her large dog off the roof that was above our unit (she climbed out through the window and howled at the moon) (and the dog followed suit) 2) never “picked up” after said dog 3) boycotted mowing the grass.

“It is her birthright to have the yard!” (Landlord said we would “share” the yard. Haha to that.)

“Won’t all of the poo just decompose?”

Oh. Dear God. She was a trendsetter! This was ten years ago, but it was the beginning of the end as far as I’m concerned. Dogville, USA ever since then.

The newest trend? Take your doggy grocery shopping. Fun!

My favorite quote from the NYT story: “‘Usually they’ll hold off and not make a complaint until they’ve seen a dog urinate in the grocery store or jump up and try to swipe a pack of meat,’ said Vance Bybee, the head of the food safety division. ‘Or they’ve seen dogs pooping in the aisle, that sort of thing.’

‘That sort of puts them over the edge,’ Mr. Bybee said.”

Imagine.

OK, you know I love Dooce and Jon, and I think they are really hilarious almost every day. The other days they just break my heart, or, alternately, show me cute baby pix. But this is the funniest ever, of Chuck-Chuck-Bo-Buck and his forbidden lover.

My girlfriend Wendi would like me to tell you about the Animal Rescue Site. Go click. You can also buy a purple paw messenger bag. Who knew?

I believe you already know that nothing makes me, Wacky Mommy, hap-hap-happier than a few new fish! Today I took the only person who loves fish more than I do — my son, Young Wacky Boy — to the fish store, where we purchased:

* 2 little tiny leopard catfish
* 2 more little tiny Killer Dwarf Frogs , to keep our lone Killer Dwarf Frog company. About him, the clerk said, “He did not eat your male guppy. The guppy must have died of natural causes. Probably of a heart attack.” I’m thinking, yeah, he heart attacked while a killer dwarf frog was gobbling him alive. Which brings us to…
* a male Black Velvet guppy, cuz the female, she was lonely
* a tiny freshwater shrimp, who scoots around like a madman and somewhat resembles a seahorse
* another Blackskirt Tetra — this one looks a lot like an angelfish and was lovingly hand-raised by one of the employees at the store, who only agreed to let me take the fish home after I promised I would keep his tank spit-spot clean, not overfeed him, and coo at him through the glass to let him know we adore him
* nine new live plants — some very tall, some very small
* a siphon thingy (thank you, Funsize)
* replacement parts for the filter/pump (foam and charcoal)
* more food
* more dechlorinating drops
* a thing to scrape and clean the walls of the tank AND to plant plants with! (It’s quite a doohickey.)

I know, I am a geeb about all this, but my son and I are so happy now.

My daughter: “I cannot believe you did this. Oh my gosh, look at the catfish they are sooooooo cute!“