End of August means hello, rain! I haven’t missed you much the last two months. Guess we’ll be hanging out again ’til end of June 2007. Nice to know you, summer. See ya later. For my Thursday Thirteen I bring you…

THIRTEEN MONTHS OF RAIN IN OREGON

1. August sprinkles = Do I bring laundry in off line? Yes? No? No = It keeps raining. Yes = the sun comes out.

2. September drizzle = Yes, bring laundry in permanently. And patio chair cushions too. And the kids’ easel. And the camp chairs I forgot were out there.

3. October spitting rain = You’re at the Oregon coast. Sorry, no one told you the rain stings here? Welcome!

4. November downpour = raincoats, boots, cotton pants that get soaked. Jeans that get soaked. Dog who gets soaked and stands there looking miserable. Cats who laugh at dog and make him feel more insecure then he already is.

5. December rain = Dang it, when will it stop raining? Basement is flooding again, even though I thought that hole was patched. Are the gutters full? We just cleaned them out. Why can it never snow here for Christmas? Kids: “Mommy, will Santa be able to fly in the rain? I thought his sled needed snow?” Me: “Santa’s fine. Go back to bed.”

6. January sideways rain = This is why no one here carries an umbrella. The rain blows in sideways, so what is the point? I love my Columbia parka.

7. More January rain = I need to re-waterproof my Columbia parka cuz it is soaked through.

8. And still more January rain + cold temps = the Wackies, ice skating in their driveway. (We did, for real. I have the videotape to prove it. It was so cool. But when Hockey God skated off down the street, and around the block? That, my friends, was the coolest. That was the second or third day of being stuck inside. By day six, nothing was fun anymore. Not even Trike Races in the Kitchen.)

9. Big downpour rain in February = Remember that week of nice weather earlier in the month, and you said smarmily, “See? We sometimes have a nice spring in Portland. It doesn’t always rain.” You were fooled again by our girl Mother Nature.

10. Gusty winds and rain in March = Why did I wear this white T-shirt that is now see-through (peekaboo!) and forget my rain jacket? Why does it always rain here? Why does it always rain all week during spring break? Want. To. Cry. Now.

11. April showers = May flowers. Flowers! Pretty. Nice. Sunshine, yes?

12. May flowers need more rain, apparently. May comes in like a lion and goes… oh, wait. That’s March.

13. June rain = Rose Festival! It’s a festival… with rides! Three parades (Starlight/Kiddie/Grand)! And sailors! Sailors impregnating local girls! We’re all hap-hap-happy. So no rain, right? Just sunshine and dreamy summer nights, right? Ha. See you in July, summer!

Dear Thursday Thirteeners:

Thirteen compliments for you…

13. You’re pretty.

12. And skinny! Dang!

11. Here, have some of my ice cream. It has chocolate syrup on it.

10. You are the best mom/dad/friend/sister/brother/daughter/son. I mean it.

9. I love your outfit. Can I try it on?

8. Your hair is perfect.

7. Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin).

6. You are as cool as Sly & the Family Stone.

5. You are a natural at that!

4. Don’t change. You’re perfect eggsactly the way you are.

3. I mean it. Don’t go changing, to try and please me.

2. The way you decorated your house is so super-cool.

1. Want a foot rub? Back rub? Anything I can get for you?

Thirteen Best Things to Eat

I love you!!!! Thursday Thirteen! Stay cool.

Your friend,

WM

13. Watermelon with lime juice squeezed all over it, and salt sprinkled on top

12. A Lindt truffle bar

11. Shrimp dip and Waverly Wafers. (To make shrimp dip: Take one block of cream cheese, cover it with cooked prawns or tiny shrimp, pour cocktail sauce over, serve!)

10. Nachos (Chips covered with refried beans, chopped onions, sliced olives, sliced jalapenos, roasted shredded chicken (if you’d like), and lots of shredded sharp cheddar cheese. Cook at 375 degrees til browned and bubbly. Serve with fresh tomatos, cilantro, salsa, chipotle sauce, sweet hot chili sauce, sour cream, avocado…)

11. Garden burgers rolled up in a flour tortilla with lettuce, ranch dressing, pickles and ketchup with tater tots on the side

10. A fried egg sandwich on toasted, buttered white bread with a big bowl of Top Ramen soup

9. My grandma’s chicken and dumplings

8. My grandma’s “Ambrosia” — sliced oranges with fresh shredded coconut

7. Hockey God’s vegetable saute (zucchini, onion, garlic, tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, fresh basil and whatever else is fresh from the garden), with a crusty loaf of peasant bread, a tossed green salad with homemade vinaigrette (You’ll also find recipes here for polenta and veggie meatloaf, yum… Do a search on my sidebar for “Tuesday Recipe Club” or “recipes” and have fun digging through my archives. I love to cook… and eat…)

6. Pesto Frittata with Roasted Asparagus

5. A cheeseburger or a Relleno Burrito from Burrito Loco down the street

4. Pad Thai from Thai Ginger, the cart down the street, Typhoon… I’m not fussy, just bring it on with a Thai iced coffee and some spring rolls on the side

3. Anything Wacky Girl makes, cuz it means I’m not cooking

2. Beef Stoganoff, Beef Stew, roast beef sandwich with aioli mayo, fresh tomatoes and lettuce on sourdough. Oh!!! I’m running out of room. A Cornish game hen at the late, beloved Vat & Tonsure

1. Chocolate Puddin’ Cake

Happy First Birthday, Thursday Thirteen!!! Woo-hoooooooooo… let’s have some virtual cake now.

For your reading pleasure this week, here are:

THIRTEEN THINGS I DO TO FUCK WITH MY CANTANKEROUS NEIGHBOR

13. Travel on the weekends with my extremely handsome and virile husband. (She gets a little jealous.)

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Oh, Thursday Thirteen, you are cool.

THIRTEEN THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WACKY DOG

1. His name isn’t really Wacky Dog. But he’s in a sort of Witness Protection Program and I cannot give his real name.

2. I stole him.

3. Make that “I liberated him.” He was chained up, freaked out, no food, no water.

4. I meant to take him back.

5. Really. But then we fell in love.

6. He’s an 85-pound black Lab, who has weighed as much as 100 pounds. You should know that no one in our neighborhood, at any time, posted “Lost Dog” signs for him. And no ads ran in the paper. “Finders keepers!” Wacky Boy would say about all this.

7. He really likes to eat. When people ask if he’s full-blooded, we say, “Yeah, full-blooded Fat Lab.”

8. Oddly, he goes on hunger strikes and sometimes refuses to eat for two days or more.

9. This doesn’t seem to affect his weight. His vet’s evaluation: “Doesn’t look like he’s missing many meals.”

10. He’s on anti-anxiety medicine and thyroid medicine cuz he’s teched. Not touched, teched. He freaks out when left alone, eats the woodwork, eats books, eats magazines, chews down fences. Sort of goat-like behavior. He loses his frickin’ mind when fireworks go off. Or gunshots. Or bubble wrap. Or anything that sounds like bubble wrap or a gunshot. Or a door slamming loudly. He’s jumpy, in a large dog sort of way.

11. He is the most loyal, best dog in the world. When he chews through the fence when we leave him alone out back, he waits on the porch for us to come home. I will never be even half the person my dog thinks I am.

12. He loves swimming in the river and will chase a tennis ball all day long. Refuses to look at a Frisbee.

13. Bays like a bloodhound as soon as we walk in the door. Then we all sing together. We have, I dunno, 12 or 15 songs dedicated to our dog. A sampling: “Wacky potato chips/are the chippiest chips aroooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuund!” (I did not say they were good songs); “Wacky Dog/Wacky Dog/running through/the fog/Wacky Dog” (and a refrain) “Wacky Dog/whoa-oh-oh/Wacky Dog/whoa-oh-oh”; “I got my dog right here/his name is Paul Revere/and a man that says when the weather’s clear/can-do/can-do/the man said my dog can-do”; “Where is Wacky Dog/where is Wacky Dog? Aroooooooooooooooooo!” (That one he loves the most.)

I am not blogging this week. Or next. But Thursday Thirteen beckons, and I’m superstitious. The number 13 and all. So we have, from the world-famous home of Wacky Mommy…

THIRTEEN REASONS I’M NOT BLOGGING THIS WEEK

13. Eyestrain

12. Neck hurts from hunching over the keyboard, spazztically typing

11. Kids seem to think I spend too much time on computer, and it’s… summer?

10. Apparently you’re supposed to be outside in the summer.

9. Yet once the kids got me off the computer, they then dominated it themselves (ie — watching movies on it, visiting the Big Crunchy Site o’ Fun, yelling at me to find their I Spy Fantasy game)… so who’s spending too much time on the computer, huh?

8. In spite of their yelling, feeling waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too mellow to blog with my usual furor.

7. Can’t deal with writing about the dog piss on my neighbor’s patio, which reeks to high heaven and has been an olfactory irritant since the summer we moved in here.

6. Have come up with a new plan: Take the kids to the outdoor pool. Not their wading pool, the real pool. Have yet to implement this plan. (Items needed: Cash for admission, sunscreen, swimsuits, sunglasses, goggles, arm floaty things.) Much easier to go to the indoor center where we take lessons and turn them over to someone while I go to water aerobics. Is this wrong?

5. Need to find a floral swimcap for water aerobics, so I fit in better with the 70 year olds. Large pink flowers with white centers would be best.

4. Or, figure out a way to stylishly wrap a scarf around my head and lower myself gracefully into pool, fully accessorized (earrings, necklaces, large rings) in manner of said 70 year olds.

3. Need to recall conversation starters that do not include, “No, we’re not going to the outdoor pool” or “Stop choking your father.”

2. Am unable to think up clever sex tricks to publish on Internet. Except this one: It’s kind of sexy sometimes to try to be really super-quiet during sex. Like, sneaky teenager quiet. Also, it’s awesome to pitch a tent in the yard and get it on under the stars. Also, the best, coolest thing you can do to your partner after sex is give them something I call a Worship Caress. Not like a full body massage — more like a… OK, this is tough to describe. Kind of stretch out over them, like Cat’s Pose in yoga (this website I just linked to is a little kinky, if you ask me. What’s up with the huge carved wooden skull looking thing? Would find it hard to relax looking at that…) Next, start at the top, caress and kind of just run your hands down your partner’s body, all the way to the feet. It feels great, just try it. Only don’t say “Namaste” afterward, ‘k? (Ah-ha! Three! All is not lost.)

1. Really need to find an agent and get one of my manuscripts published. The blog is just not getting the bills paid.

That’s right. Hockey God is featured newbie of the week on Thursday Thirteen. Like he wasn’t already stuck on himself. (I’m kidding — he’s extremely humble, that guy. Unlike me.) I called to tell him but he’s out hitting pucks.

Here we go with the Thursday Thirteen… and it’s a good one. If I do say so myself.

Thirteen Best Ways to Get It Up!
(Cuz sometimes we all need a little help with that)

1) Clean up your bedroom because, damn. Who would want to screw in there?

2) Take a shower

3) Kill your television

4) Skip the drinks

5) Play backwards cowgirl because, damn. Who wouldn’t love that?

6) Pets. Out. Of. Bedroom.

7) Kids. Out. Of. Bedroom.

8) Alternately, get yourselves out of the bedroom and try a different spot.

9) Yeah, that spot works.

10) Massage oil, candles, music.

11) No, not Ice-T, “LGBNAF.” No, no, no. Wacky Mommy says: “Al Green should work.”

12) You could try changing the sheets. In the words of Lyle Lovett (“What Do You Do/The Glory of Love”):

“you could put on some makeup/
and you could pile up your hair/
and at least try to do something/
with what you’ve got there”

13) Let it loose

What the hell — okay I’m in. This is not a commitment, Thursday Thirteen. But I’ll give it a shot.

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