Thelma: “Are you sure we should be driving like this, I mean in broad daylight and everything?”
Louise: “No, we shouldn’t, but I want to put some distance between us and the scene of our last goddamn crime.”
— from the film “Thelma and Louise”
I believe I signed up for NoPoMoFoMamaLamaDingDongWriteEveryDay in November, The New Internet Sensation. I thought that what this meant was that at the end of November, somebody would send me, via Fed Ex, a nicely-completed, fully-edited manuscript, with my name attached, and an agent’s phone number. An agent who had already sold the manuscript for a healthy advance.
This is apparently not what NoPoMoFoMamaLamaDingDongWriteEveryDay in November is at all.
Dammit, I really need to read the fine print from here on out.
And figure out how to use BlogRolling so I can get my blog listed on the website.
Farewell,
WM
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, 13ers and all THE USUAL SUSPECTS!!!!!!!
We love Halloween at our house. I love it so much that I would like to eat a pound of chocolate right now to celebrate. Self-control is good, but on Halloween it goes OUT the window. I will try to not eat too much chocolate. I always try to try. Here are 13 funnies for you:
13) One of the first Halloweens my husband and I spent together, we all three dressed up as princesses — Hockey God, me, and Good Ol’ Wacky Dog, who was adorable in a pink sparkly cape and pointy pink hat. We went to a party where a few friendly lesbians took a liking to him, and spent the evening “frenching” him and feeding him beer. Arooooooooooo! (Here is a picture of him, the cutest dog ever, from last year, with my sister’s dog, who is dressed as a dinosaur.) (He used to like to spend Halloween bum rushing the door every damn time the bell rang, and scaring the kids.) (Good puppy! Why did we not lock him in the office? He was part beaver and would have chewed his way out.) (Poor dog. Poor scared trick or treaters.)
12) One of my favorite memories is my daughter’s second Halloween, when my mother tried to “teach” her how to hand out Halloween candy. Only neither one of them would let go. The neighbor kids found this to be “frustrating.” We have it all on videotape, it’s pretty hilarious and a little goofy.
11) First Halloween for Wacky Girl? I dressed her as a bear. Second? She was a little bunny, and every time a kid came up on the porch she shrieked with glee and nearly scared them off.
10) “Trick or treat and make it snappy!”
9) Wacky Girl is dressed as a pirate tonight; Wacky Boy is dressed as a hippie.
8) Wacky Girl: “On Halloween, little girls go wooooooooooot-wooooooooooooooot! Hallelujah! Tricker treating!”
7) Wacky Boy: “On Halloween, little boys say twick o tweet. TWICK O TWEET FOR UNICEF!!!!”
6) Wacky Girl, upon finding out that trick or treating ends when you turn 12 or 13: “I thought that was horrible and… pretty bad.”
5) How about some candy, y’all?
4) My dad used to take us out trick or treating for blocks and blocks and blocks and never gave up before we did. That is my definition of a great father. My mom used to sort out all of our candy after we went to bed and only ate some of it, not all. That is my definition of a great mom. Also, she used to sew all of our costumes — gypsies, clowns, witches, whatever we wanted.
3) Wacky Girl’s definition of the perfect Halloween: “You get a medium amount of candy. You go home, you eat half of it, and you go to bed. The next day you don’t go to school cuz it’s Candy Hang-over Day. Then after lunch and dinner the next day you eat the rest of your candy. And that’s a perfect Halloween.”
2) Wacky Boy’s definition of the perfect Halloween: “I do not have one.” (Proceeds to wrap ribbon from sword all around the office. “It took me a very long time to do.”)
1) Happy Halloween, and I hope you get lots of treats and hardly any tricks.
WM
Linus: [to Charlie Brown after Sally tells him off] You’ve heard of the fury of a woman scorned, haven’t you?
Charlie Brown: Yeah, I guess I have.
Linus: Well, that’s nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of trick-or-treats.
— from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
Oh, Linus, I root for you and the Great Pumpkin every year.
Wacky Girl, this morning: “What are you going as for Halloween, Mom?”
me, thinking it’s best to stick with what you know: “How about… a scary witch?”
Wacky Girl: “How about a MOM they’re the scariest!!!”
I want tricks and treats! I was smart and bought only candy I don’t like — Nerds, Tootsie Pops, Reese’s sticks and Mounds. (I like the Mounds, but it was the smallest bag.)
4:45 p.m. here — We’re going to attempt dinner. Ha! Futile, but I’ll plough ahead. The kids will pretend to eat. My sister is coming by. Hockey God is bringing home Indian food yes chole and samosas! Woo-hoo!!! Wacky Girl is already in costume, dressed as a pirate, yar, complete with a stuffed parrot and a ribbon-festooned sword. She keeps practicing with the sword, it’s a lot of fun.
Wacky Boy? He’s a cute little hippie, complete with a hat his sister knitted him, a scarf I knitted him, a tie-dye shirt, peace symbol necklace and his dad’s safety glasses. (Don’t ask. The boy likes safety glasses.)
“Nothing is really so very frightening when everything is so very dangerous.”
— Gertrude Stein
I got a real shocker when I picked up the kids from school today.
“Dad says you’re supposed to feed us dinner, so we can carve pumpkins when he gets home!”
What? I mean, what? I need to play chef? For the Kids Who Refuse to Eat? I’ve turned into Cher in “Mermaids,” when she serves the kids cocktail weiners, aka “pigs in a blanket,” and fruit kebabs.
We are now eating a pu-pu platter of goat cheese, crackers (the healthy kind — Wheatettes!), dried cranberries and cashews. By “we” I mean “I am” because the kids aren’t touching any of it.
Let’s play a game, it’s called, what will your 8-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son eat, Wacky Mommy? Have they gotten over that whole Picky Eater thing?
Q: Vegetables?
A: No. Except french fries. And not all french fries, just the crinkly kind. No, the shoestring kind. I think. Who knows. They won’t eat home fries, sweet potato fries, anything that doesn’t “look” like a french fry.
Q: Vegetables with ranch dip?
A: Nope.
Q: Fruit?
A: Yes. But only pears, apples, oranges, raspberries (Wacky Girl); pears, raspberries (Wacky Boy). Wacky Girl: “I kinda like strawberries. And watermelon. Kinda.”
Q: Cheese?
A: Mostly, especially if it’s combined with macaroni or melted on top of pizza.
Q: Meat?
A: They do not care for meat. Any meat. Wacky Boy occasionally likes a Dino Nugget from Costco.
Q: Hot dogs? Hamburgers? Weiner wraps? Chili dogs? Sloppy Joes? Meat or veggie ones?
A: They will say no.
Q: Desserts?
A: All desserts are accepted. Desserts, however, are not regularly offered, due to the lack of eating Real Food.
Q: How about tater tots? All kids like tater tots!
A: Not mine. Once in awhile my daughter will eat a baked potato, and she likes cornbread, and spaghetti. (No meat sauce, no meatballs.)
Q: Is it a bitch, trying to cook for them?
A: Nope. I used to sweat it, now I just roll with it. Vegetables and fruits: Offered (and refused). Bean burritos, tacos, nachos: Offered (and refused). Mashed potatoes? My daughter will sometimes eat mashed potatoes. Wacky Boy could live on cereal bars, toast, and vanilla yogurt. Que sera, sera.
They’ll eat when they’re hungry.
From Saturday Night Live, circa 1976:
Madeline: “So then the man gets bare naked in bed with you and you both go to sleep, which is why they call it “sleeping together.” Then you both wake up and the man says, “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable?” No, wait a second, um, no, I think that comes, uh, before. Anyways, it’s not important, it’s not important.”
From Cameron Crowe’s film “Almost Famous”:
Russell Hammond: [Russell grabs phone away from William] Hey, mom! It’s Russell Hammond. I play guitar in Stillwater. Hey, how does it feel to be the mother of the greatest rock journalist we’ve met? Hello? Hello…? Look, you’ve got a really great kid here. There’s nothing to worry about. We’re taking good care of him, and you should come to the show sometime – join the circus…
Elaine Miller: Hey, hey, listen to me, mister. You’re charm doesn’t work on me – I’m on to you. Of course you like him…
Russell Hammond: Well, yeah…
Elaine Miller: He worships you people. And that’s fine by you as long as he helps make you rich.
Russell Hammond: Rich? I don’t think so…
Elaine Miller: Listen to me. He’s a smart, good-hearted fifteen-year-old kid with infinite potential.
Russell Hammond: [Russell is stunned]
Elaine Miller: This is not some ignorant mother you’re speaking to – I know all about your decadence and I should not have let him go. He’s not ready for your world of compromised values and diminished brain cells that you throw away like confetti. Am I speaking to you clearly?
Russell Hammond: Yes – yes, ma’am…
Elaine Miller: If you break his spirit, harm him in any way, keep him from his chosen profession which is law – something you may not value, but I do – you will meet the voice on the other end of this telephone and it will not be pretty. Do we understand each other?
Russell Hammond: Uh, yes, ma’am…
Elaine Miller: I didn’t ask for this role, but I’ll play it. Now go do your best. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It’s not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell. Please get my son home safely. You know, I’m glad we spoke.
[Elaine hangs up]
Russell Hammond: [Russell stands holding phone in stunned silence]
“I do not want the peace which passeth understanding,
I want the understanding which bringeth peace.”
— Helen Keller
“Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground.”
— Oscar Wilde
“The greatest danger before you is this: You live in an age when people would package and standardize your life for you — steal it from you and sell it back to you at a price. That price is very high.”
— Granny D. (aka Doris Haddock), campaign finance reform activist, speaking to the Franklin Pierce College class of 2001
“We must be the change we wish to see in the world.”
— Mahatma Gandhi
“Men’s hearts ought not to be set against one another, but set with one another, and all against evil only.”
— Thomas Carlyle
“We hate some persons because we do not know them; and we will not know them because we hate them.”
— Caleb Colton
“The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider vision.”
— George Eliot
“Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.”
— Buddha
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