Just as I sat down to write this, I got a “pass it on” e-mail from one of my cousins. Starbucks allegedly wouldn’t send free coffee to the Marines, yadda yadda. Well, of course it’s an Urban Legend but that isn’t the point.

The point is: If Starbucks didn’t have any free coffee to pass out, it would be cuz they’re saving all their love and grounds for moi, Wacky Mommy.

That’s right, Fundraising Tip #1: Starbucks rocks. They are extremely generous in donating coffee, pastries, mugs, teddy bears and more to the schools. Also, they will give you bags and bags of coffee grounds for your garden (for the rhodies, azaleas, blueberries…) They reduce their garbage bill and your yard flourishes. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

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Tomorrow I will try to write about the following topic: School Auctions and Why It Is Important to Not All Hate Each Other by the End of It. That’s if I can get to the office. Contractors? The ones who have been MIA for close to a month??? How can this be? are reportedly coming by in the morning.

I’ll fucking believe it when I fucking see it. (Am watching the Sopranos again, can you tell? Would Carmela have this problem? Hell no. Her house looks fucking great, all the time.) We went to the coast this weekend. I took a shower. It was delicious.

WM

Dear Wacky Mommy,

I suspect that I may have neurological damage. I want to get an MRI just to see what condition my condition is in — if you catch my drift and I’m sure you do. What do I say to my doctor? I feel weird and foolish. Should I just leave it alone? Really, what’s knowing for sure going to do for me anyway?

So, whadya got Wacky Mommy?

Signed,

Suspecting in Stumptown

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Word for the day is:

weltschmerz (VELT-shmerts) noun; world weariness; pessimism, apathy, or sadness felt at the difference between physical reality and the ideal state.

Thank you, Anu Garg.

From the recipe chain-mail club…

VEGGIE CREAM CHEESE SNACKS (Appetizer)

2 packages crescent rolls � pat out on jelly roll pan or cookie sheet and bake as directed. Cool completely.

Mix well: 2 packages cream cheese (8 oz each)
1 cup mayonnaise
1 package dry ranch dressing mix

Frost the cooled roll mix with the cream cheese mixture.

In a bowl mix � cup of each, finely chopped or grated:
Cauliflower
Broccoli
Carrots
Red Pepper
Green Pepper
Green Onions
Sharp Cheddar Cheese

Mix the vegetables and cheese together and top the frosted roll. Spread all over and press firmly into the cream cheese frosting mixture.

Cut into squares and serve.

When your hair looks this good, why waste it on a hockey game? That’s right. The Portland Winter Hawks have gone from being in almost last place to almost first place. See what a few weeks and Brandon Dubinsky will get you? Doo-by! Doo-by!

However. I do not know much about hockey. I do not even know if they won. (The score was 2-1, Winter Hawks, when we left mid-second period.) You will have to ask Hockey God about that.

“It’s boring!” says Wacky Girl.

“I am planning on never skating again,” says Wacky Boy.

So we left my husband at the game, sullen and grumpy because his family does not share his love of hockey, and went to Roux instead.

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Hello, darlings. Here, have some truffles.

Questions today are:

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Blondie (But Not For Long)

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.”

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh, writer (1906-2001)

I cannot be insincere, or lie to you, Internet. A lot of my time revolves around What to Cook. Will it be on the table at 7, when Hockey God gets home, or more like 8:30, when I finally pull my head out of the oven? And will the kids eat it? Really do not care about that one anymore. I’m extremely tired of being slave to my kids. They’re growing fine. And they’ll never be forced to eat oxtails or tamales in a can, like I was as a kid. So their complaints go in one ear and right back out.

We mostly dine at home. Especially since the last two years have been remodel from hell and eating dinner out? Perdon? (I fantasize about it, really. And in the fantasies, I always order french fries. And a big slab of chocolate cake.)

I’m making this column a weekly feature. Chain mails? Flippin’ hate chain mails. But when N hooked my name onto one I was so happy when those recipes started coming in. If anyone has recipes to share, please e them to me, or just do a post! Am tired of cooking, but trying to stay inspired… Have a superfine Tuesday.

BRUNCH CASSEROLE
from the files of Wacky Great-Grandma, with modifications by Wacky Mommy
(this is a make-ahead dish)

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Here’s some of that Pacific Northwest Upspeak you hear so much about, that leads to confusion, miscommunication, slurred speech, the urge to drink too much coffee, a fondness for banana slugs, etc.:

When you haven’t had a shower in your house? (Yeah, we have a tub, but no shower? Since something, like, 1986? Or whenever I first started blogging about this? Which was completely a rilly rilly long time ago?) And the contractor guy finally calls to make arrangements for his gun-for-hire plumber to come out? What you do not want to hear is the dude saying, “We’re pretty busy this week though?”? See? I want to, maybe, wash my hair here? Possibly? Not at the gym, or at my girlfriend’s house?

Me: “I HAVE NO SHOWER.” (losing all upspeak)

Him: “Oh, right. Maybe I should call your husband?”