Is it wrong to kick someone in the shins when he tries to rub up against you at Staples? Wacky Mommy sez, “No, it is not.”

” I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.”

— Whoopi Goldberg

Did you ever see her on Sesame Street? She taught everyone the mantra “I’m so angry, I’m so angry, I’m so angry, ughhh!!” You kinda punch it out in the air and get all your angries out. V. effective technique, I highly recommend it. Sesame Street is on right now, as a matter of fact — gotta motor.

There are three new kids in Wacky Girl’s class this week, bringing the total to 29 kids and one stressed-out teacher. Let’s call the new ones The Crier, The Stabber, and Violet Beauregarde, and I got to know them all up close and personal when I volunteered yesterday. Yes, The Crier can’t stop crying, and no amount of comforting will help her. Hand her tissues, and she flings them around and grabs more out of the box. Tell her to try taking a few deep breaths and she sobs, “I can’t! I can’t!” and cries harder. The other kids look at her like, “WTF?” and keep on with their lessons.

Violet? Violet just wants to eat the candy she brought for lunch. “After you eat your lunch,” I say. “No,” she says, “I’m just going to eat my candy! I don’t have to eat my lunch!” She holds the chocolate bar aloft and squishes it. “I have more, too, see!” She holds up another piece.

The Stabber, he likes scissors. He likes them so much he cuts his palm, and his finger, too. On purpose. Then he requests a paper towel and fixates on the blood.

Aren’t you glad you don’t go to our school? For real, mommies and daddies, what can I do? Is it OK to hold Violet’s candy hostage and force her to eat lunch? And WTF, indeed! Since when do schools allow candy at lunch? Wacky Girl’s little friend was over today (she goes to school across town), and she said, “You can’t bring candy to school at all at our school. Only on holidays.”

Must talk with principal about instituting similar rule. As for The Stabber, I told WG to steer clear of him, especially if he’s packing sharp objects.

Is anyone still out there? Sorry, it has been way, way, way too busy. What with eating, and dieting, and being a complete stereotype of an overfed neurotic housewife who can’t find her datebook. But enough! Tomorrow I will write about Wacky Girl’s classroom, and the kid who stabs himself with scissors. Today, it’s time for the Advice Column.

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Where are you? The masses are waiting! ;-) I have a question for you. What to do if your seven-year-old does not seem too interested in making more than one friend? Even if I know other children want to be her friend (I find notes of admiration in her backpack-swear-to-God!). Is this okay? And if not, how to encourage a little branching out? Her “one chosen” is a real sweetie and they do have a great friendship, but I do want her to be able to share her wonderful self with more than one.

Any advice Wacky Mommy? Thanks.

Signed,

Wondering About the Social Life of My Seven-Year-Old

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“We were incompatible in a lot of ways. Like for example, I was a night person, and he didn’t like me.”

— Wendy Liebman, winner of the American Comedy Award

The Year of the Dog begins Jan. 29th, 2006. Woof, again!

“Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell.”

— Emily Dickinson

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘You know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.'”

— Jeff Foxworthy

“We had to simplify it. Diddy is more personal. We are entering into the age of Diddy. It’s a new era.”

— Sean “Diddy” Combs, on why he changed his moniker from P. Diddy, to Access Hollywood

Our List:

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Will be spending next few days with my giddy kids and their cute dad, so wanted to say Happy Holidays to everyone before I check out. Extra special holiday hugs and kisses to all the blogger mommies, who manage to find a way to give me a good laugh or kick in the ass right when I need it.

And Happy Year of the Dog! (January 29, 2006.) Woof!

Love,

Wacky Mommy