I’ve watched General Hospital since I was 12 years old. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to have a favorite soap? I’m a housewife, what am I supposed to do — wax the floors? I’m sure you have a bad habit or two yourself, do not judge me. I tivo it, so I can skip the commercials and the boring parts. Lately? Nothing is boring. It’s been good.

My daughter, today, assessing what it is I do all day: “You don’t do anything. You write on the computer. You talk on the phone. Yeah, and you watch your soap. Once in awhile you cook. That’s it!”

me, thinking it over: “I sometimes take you to school.”

Hockey God says he will not watch GH. That he never watches GH. That GH is, in a word, stupid. This, from the man who plays hockey and finds school politics interesting. In fact, he knows most of the GH characters, often watches the show with me (albeit with only one eye open) and is here for your entertainment, re: the episode that aired Friday, Sept. 6, 2007:

(re: my crushes)
HG: “I can see why you have a crush on Josh Duhamel, but Jason? He kept the bad prison hair. At least he’s not as puffed-up as he was.”
me: “Everyone’s saying that Steve Burton (Jason) is doing steroids, who knows. I don’t think so. The character was in jail for awhile, got this bad hair, and it’s been downhill for him since. I’ve had a crush on him since he was a teenager. Well, he was 21, but he was playing a teenager.”

(re: Sonny’s new/old girlfriend, whose name I can’t remember. Katherine? Could be…)
HG: “She looks like a bobble-head alien. More bad hair! And bad make-up!”
me: “She’s supposed to be Sonny’s ex-girlfriend, from Catholic school. I like her.”

(re: Alexis, Rick and Trevor Lansing, Rick’s father, a “bad guy” who has suddenly appeared in Port Charles.)
HG: “That poor Alexis, she’s just been rode hard and put away wet on this show.”
me: “She looks good. She’s one of the only characters who’s my age.”
HG: “They just make her up to look bad. She’s not a bad-looking woman, she’s a good-looking woman, but they just make her look haggard.”
me: “Alexis, tell make-up to fix you up more better!”

(more on Sonny and his new girlfriend)
HG: “Slip her the tongue.” (Sonny obliges.)
HG: (makes the blugga-blugga-blugga sound you make when you’re imitating someone sucking face.)

(on Carly, Jax and his brother, Jerry Jax)
HG, in order, not pausing to allow me time to answer: “Why, if you had plastic surgery done on your face, would you have it done so you look like some weaselly little fucker? What happened to Jax’s accent? There’s his accent. And what the fuck’s up with the Bindi dot on his temple?”
me: “He got in a fight.” (thinking to myself, Carly is so pretty, dang. That top she is wearing is really elegant.)
HG: “I like the way that blouse hangs on her.”
me, thinking: Yeah, he has a way with words. Then (imitating Creed on “The Office”): “Yeah, swing low, sweet chariots.” (exact quote was: “Au naturale baby, that’s how I like ’em. Swing low, sweet chariots.” Jesus, Creed is such a skeez, isn’t he?)

(upon spotting, uh, Rick Springfield’s son, whatever his name is, who is also a doctor)
HG: “What’s wrong with his hair? They all have bad hair on this show. Who’s that nurse? She’s hot! And she doesn’t have bad hair. Oooooooh, there’s Lizzie again, I can’t talk. Bend over again, Lizzie!”

(back to Dr. Noah Springfield Jr.):
HG: “Who is he??? He’s got stupid hair. Not stoopid phat, just stupid.”
me: “Do people say ‘stoopid phat’ anymore? I mean, anyone other than white people.”
HG, doubtfully: “Yeah. I think so. There’s that hot little British nurse again.”

(re: Emily, Nicholas and Sam)
HG: “Who’s that girl?”
me: “Sam. Sam! Jason’s ex. They split up. You know her!”
HG: “Why’s she spying on Nicholas and Emily? Nobody fucking wears lamé… what the hell’s up with that?”
me: “‘Thanks for being such a good friend!’ Oh, Sam makes me sick.”

(moving on to Lizzie and Emily)
HG: “Lizzie looks like J. Lo. Just a little.”
me: “Yeah, you wish.”

(re: Trevor Lansing)
me: “I think he’s kind of rugged handsome. I hate Rick and his father hates him, too, so I like his father! Get it?”
HG: “Yeah, he’s got the kind of broken nose thing going on.”
me: “More handsome than Jason, and you know I’ve always liked Jason.”
HG: “I like that Carly, she’s got spunk.”

(end of show, a spectacular “big Elvis ending”)
HG: “Oooooooh, big special effects — flash of light. The car exploded when Jax unlocked it. He blip-blipped and then boom!”
me, non-plussed: “I don’t think that’s what happened. Who was that laying on the floor at Carly’s house? Jerry Jax?”
HG: “Dunno.”

(on Valtrex, the genital herpes ad that they run non-stop during GH:)
HG: (chortles and falls off couch.)