Sideshow Bob: “Homer, think carefully. Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill?”
Homer: “Hmm, well there’s Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, the emperor of Japan, ex-president Bush…”
Marge: “…the late Frank Grimes…”
Homer: “…PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick…”
Marge: “…and the state of Florida.”

— from Episode 297, “The Great Louse Detective”

For real. An Arnold Palmer consists of the following three items:

1) ice
2) lemonade
3) iced tea

The busgirl at lunch brought me a refill, only she just brought iced tea, not with lemonade. That’s fine, I’m cool with that, too. I handed it to my daughter (we always share, unlike my son, who doesn’t want any girl germs, no returns). She started to squeeze the lemon in, then looked at me suspiciously. I’m all, what?

The waiter panics, tells the busgirl it was an Arnold Palmer, oh my God she brought me the wrong drink! and swaps it out. (I didn’t even say anything, okay? Damn. Good service.) Wacky Girl gives me a sideways look, again.

What?

“Is there vodka in this?”

“Honey, it’s an Arnold Palmer, no.”

My mom, “What’s an ‘Arnold Palmer,’ anyway?” She’s all, Sister from Another Planet, my mom. What is this iced tea/lemonade of which you speak? What are capers? What is marinara, exactly? You’re leaving for the beach right now? When did you plan this, anyway? Just now? What?

Etc.

“Iced tea and lemonade.”

My daughter: “And vodka.”

“There is no vodka in there!” (I shove the drink at my mom.) “Here, try it!”

“Uh-uh, not if there’s vodka in it.” She and my daughter look at each other, knowingly.

“Baby. Would I give you vodka?”

My baby: “No. Yes. Maybe?”

It’s enough to make you mix a drink.

Reviewed today:

Sophie Kinsella is good. Good plotting, good characters, good reading. (And not just summer reading, either. She gets a rep for that because of her popular “Shopaholic” series, but I like to read her year round.) I loved “Remember Me?” even though I just dug through my archives and it looks like I forgot to review it. Whoops.

Her new one, “Twenties Girl,” (Dial Press) is a lot of fun. The set-up: a 20s-something woman, Lara Lington, who is in work and love trouble, is required to attend the funeral of her 105-year-old great-auntie, Sadie. Sadie, you would think, would be occupied. Being dead and all. But no — she is at the funeral (but seen only by Lara) and demanding to know the whereabouts of her necklace. Good reading.

Judy Blume’s latest, “Friend or Fiend?” (Delacorte Press, $12.99, 109 pages) stars two of my favorite Blume characters, the Pain and the Great One, aka first-grade Jake and third-grade Abigail. They still aren’t getting along that well, but they’re having a lot of fun, anyway. Blume also gives us the backstory of one Fluzzy, the cat the siblings fight over. What happened on that dark and stormy night? We enjoyed this one a lot at our house, especially the New York scenes with the Pain and the Great Ones hideous cousins. Perfect for readers up to fourth- or fifth-grade.

“Monsterology” (by Dr. Ernest Drake, edited by Dugald A. Steer, Candlewick Press, $19.99)… where do I start with the “‘Ology” books? We have several of them at our house, and enjoy them all. They’re big, they’re fancy, they’re not too expensive, and they’re not too precious. By that I mean — even with the fold-out maps, the “samples” of amber, hippogriff feathers, the “scrap of spell-casting parchment for attracting mermaids” and all the other oodles of goodies — they’re still usable. You can play with them, pore over them, really use and learn from them and they don’t (easily) fall apart at the seams. I like that in a book, especially a fancy one.

This one features several of Wacky Boy’s favorites: the Loch Ness Monster, the Hippogriff, the Mermaids and Mermen. We like the Griffins. We appreciate the “challenges to the charlatans.” And the map of “Fabulous Creatures of the World”? Fabulous. Nice work, team.

“I struggle with enormous discrepancies: between the reality of motherhood and the image of it, between my love for my home and the need to travel, between the varied and seductive paths of the heart. The lessons of impermanence, the occasional despair and the muse, so tenuously moored, all visit their needs upon me and I dig deeply for the spiritual utilities that restore me: my love for the place, for the one man left, for my children and friends and the great green pulse of spring.” – photographer Sally Mann – “Still Time” catalogue

(Got this off Facebook, my new muse… wm)

OK, you know I love Dooce and Jon, and I think they are really hilarious almost every day. The other days they just break my heart, or, alternately, show me cute baby pix. But this is the funniest ever, of Chuck-Chuck-Bo-Buck and his forbidden lover.

My son: “Quick! Everybody close your eyes and let’s play ‘Who Licked Me?'” (Grandma and me, quick!: “No.”)

My daughter: “We’re playing a game — ‘What’s That Dead Thing?'”) (Me: “That is not a good game.”)

My daughter: “He’s counting up the dead squirrels and I’m counting up the dead cats and we’re going to see who has more by the time we get home.” (Me: “No.”) (Cats would have won. Uh. Lost.)

Both kids: “Woooooo-ah-woooooooo-ah-wooooooooooo-ah-woooooooooooo…” (That’s the “Sound of the Ambulance” game.) (Steve and me: “Please stop.”)

Both kids, again: “Let’s play the ‘See Who Can Be Quiet the Longest” game?” (Me: “Absolutely.”)

The funnest game was the “Sexy” game. We saw a sign for Sexy something… no, not lingerie. Or ladies. “Sexy Lawnmower Repair” or something, coming back from Newport. The kids thought that was funny, because we have a place called “Sexy Coffee” in the neighborhood. “Oooooooh, Sexy Coffee!” So this game is easy — you just add “sexy” to the beginning of everything:

“Sexy Road Repairs Ahead”
“Sexy Spirit Mountain Casino”
“Sexy Elk Jerky”
“Sexy Portland 22 Miles”

You get the idea. Sexy.

How’s your summer?

wm