You know how many parents volunteer in Wacky Girl’s class, out of 28 kids? That’s right, just me. Freaking slackers. Like I want to go? No, I don’t. I’d rather watch last night’s episode of “Lost” again. (Rose… he’s alive!!!! But you knew that…) It’s raining again. I don’t even want to leave the house. Wacky Grandma has Wacky Boy today. The house is extremely quiet. I adore this.

Also, I just posted this on Amalah’s site (we were talking stretch marks).

Skin Cream Recipe for Pregnant and Post-Partum Girls

My husband, Wacky Daddy, made a nice skin cream for me (I used it throughout pregnancy and after) of 1 part cocoa butter and 2 parts coconut oil, and a small vial of Vit. E oil. I kept it in a peanut butter jar and it smelled yummy. I don’t know if it decreased the stretch marks and c-section scarring, but it made me not so itchy.

And more on my volunteer efforts (yes, that’s right, I’m kicking everyone’s ass on this today) — I just packed up about half my house and mailed it to my New Orleans friend R. Not literally half — I couldn’t figure out how to ship her our old high chair and crib, short of hiring a moving crew, but I sent her a bunch of toys, clothes, books, CDs, videos, kitchen stuff, spiral notebooks, yadda yadda. The post office gave me a discount for the boxes that were just books. Least they can do. I suggest you all do something similar. Send it c/o a friend, a relative, a friend of a friend, one of the shelters, Salvation Army, whatever. Call around and see if the Red Cross can take stuff there for you. The National Guard has been hauling backpacks with school supplies and distributing them. Call around and find out some options — It’s worth it. Send me an e if you get something going on, or just post.

Off to eat cafeteria lunch now — Terikyaki Beef Bites. Nummy! What would Emeril say?

xxox

WM

Have gone back to original plan — will drink heavily until both children are in school full days.

— WM

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News Flash from Wacky Girlfriend N:

“Scientology couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston are urging Katie Holmes to have a ‘silent birth’ when she delivers fiance Tom Cruises’s baby next year and follow the church’s strict doctrines. That means no music, no chatting and no expressions of pain from the mother. Kelly sez: ‘It’s just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of the sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them (babies) in their future.'”

N sez: “Kinda like me sayin’ “Get this GDMF thing outta me!!!” “holy crap! 10 pounds!!” “It’s a friggin linebacker!!” oh yes, it warped my children…………….can you IMAGINE having no expressions of pain? MUST …. HAVE … GOOD… DRUGS…..hope you are having a good day………….I had to share this………..still LOL

“…if it hadn’t been/
for Cotton Eyed Joe/
i’d have been married/
a long time ago/
where did you come from/
where did you go/
where did you come from/
Cotton Eyed Joe…”

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Contractors almost finished — they just have a railing to put up on the porch and are done.

Have been researching fibroids, ie — calling all my Wacky Girlfriends and saying “WTF?” and looking at scary pictures on the Internet.

Sometimes fibroids get as big as potatoes, sometimes as big as melons. Sometimes you have to have your uterus removed, along with Alien Growth, sometimes you stop growing them when you hit menopause, sometimes they just stay small and “hang out in there,” as one Wacky Girlfriend put it. Yeesh.

I need to go bake cookies now. Too depressed about this. Here’s a recipe:

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Scaffolding — gone.

Big drop box on street that has been vexing garbagemen and neighbors — gone.

Honey Bucket — still here.

Front steps — almost finished.

Contractor — no sign of him.

i swear, i cannot even freaking focus and thus will be unable to blog until the contractors leave. The only comfort I have is the photo gallery of Beauty Queen Rockstarmommy and her adorable tattooed family. Sigh. What a cool girl. I cannot post pictures of my own adorable family as I cannot figure out how to work my digital camera. Ha! You think I jest! I do not.

Rockstarmommy looks quite a bit like the Old Carly on “General Hospital” who just honestly is one of the prettiest girls in the universe, IMHO. (No, I don’t mean New Drag Queen Female Impersonator Carly, having a nervous breakdown and kinda freaking me out, and not Old Old Carly — Tamara Braun I mean. Oh, Tamara Braun, why did you blow GH?)

Yes, they’re still here, the contractors, along with the Honey Bucket they rode in on. They love it here. Well, we’re down to two of ’em now. (Contractors, not Honey Buckets.) There is only one here, most days. My kids, per usual, refuse to listen to me, but they’ll listen to the contractors. How pathetic is that?

“Get away from that window now. You’ll break it. Move back. Good job, little guy!” No I am not kidding. (Single-paned glass, adventuresome three-year-old.)

Also, I’m so confused that I cannot FUCKING REMEMBER WHERE I PARKED MY CAR. Ever. And the contractors have to point me in the right direction, for example…

“It’s in the driveway.”

Today I locked myself out of the house, and he tells me, “No, I left the side door open, you’re good!” But I was not good, cuz I’d locked it up after him. Also, the mailman has developed a bit of jealousy, as he saw me bringing the contractors lemonade one day and, “You never bring me lemonade! Not even when it’s hot as hell out here!”

Like, one husband wasn’t enough trouble for me? Now I’ve got, what, four or five? Between the mailman, Hockey God and assorted contractors?

Off to watch “Lost” in bed and fantasize about Sawyer… Would my kids listen to him? Yeah, probably. But I need not worry about that — we’d be on our own Fantasy Island, sans husband(s), sans kids, sans large neurotic dog who eats everything on the counter, including cubes of butter, every time I turn my back.

Ta-ta for now,

WM

Oh. My. God. Amy and Jason just had the cutest most adorable sweetest brand new lil baby, Noah. Look at her blog and be amazed…

(it’s linked on the side, there. No, there… See it?)

xxox to them.

WM

ps okay this is funny — Wacky Boy was begging for new batteries for one of his eighteen flashlights. I swear to God, if one more person gives him a flashlight as a gift (??? is this a trend???) I will have an episode. I replaced ’em, came out of the kitchen waving it and asking, “Who’s the best mommy?” Both kids look up, confused, and ask, “Who?”

This one isn’t for the faint of heart, either. You know what I’ve found out about rumors? They’re usually true. Not always, but in general. Especially when they’re from a credible source, as this entry is. Keep prayers, good thoughts, and money flowing South.

C sent me this note on 9/26 — sorry I’m just now posting it.

WM

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It’s not cancer. And the contractors are still here. And it’s started to rain, and the front end of our house is exposed to the elements and how are they supposed to paint the rest of the house, when it’s raining? WTF??? And…This post is not for the weak of heart.

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